Excuse us, but the right guy for Sophie Monk isn’t even on The Bachelorette.

Video by MWN

Hello friends.

I would like to bring something of critically low importance to your attention.

You see, we have been watching Sophie Monk search for love for a month now. We’ve watched her date some very attractive (g’day, Apollo) and misogynistic (that’s you, Sam) men. We’ve cried with joy every time James’ cherubic face appeared on screen.

Anyway, we’re basically as emotionally invested in Sophie’s love life as she is, which allows me to make one rather huge, unqualified statement: The man for Sophie Monk is not on The Bachelorette.

He’s out in the normal world, living his normal life, being all normal and stuff.

Sophie Monk’s perfect man is right here:

A post shared by Sasha Mielczarek (@sash1313) on

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Ladies, gentlemen, Sasha Mielczarek – AKA the winner of Sam Frost’s season of The Bachelorette – is the man of our Bachelorette’s dreams.

(For those of you who don’t anchor your lives to a reality TV show about “finding love/getting more Instagram followers”, relax… Sam and Sasha broke up like a year ago. I wouldn’t endorse cheating. I’m not that pathetic.)

I digress. Back to Sophie and Sasha and our very important weekend analysis.

Sophie Monk has made it very clear that she’s looking for a “normal Aussie bloke”. Someone who isn’t a part of her regular celebrity circle. Who is down to Earth and friendly. Who isn’t egotistical. Who is good with ~manly stuff~ like replacing tires and making flat pack wardrobes and lighting fires (Channel 10 basically told us that only humans with dongs can do these things). Someone who is decent and kind and similar to her in age. Someone who supports her career.

Listen: Zara McDonald and I talk about this week’s episodes of The Bachelorette on Bach Chat. (Post continues…)

Let’s assess these criteria against old mate Sasha, shall we?

Sasha is a construction manager. This fulfils both “normal bloke” and “DIY dude” requirements. Tick, tick.

Sasha is 33 (or 34… Google wasn’t quite sure), definitely fulfilling 37-year-old Sophie’s age restriction. Tick.

Sasha is absolutely lovely. We know this because we’ve legitimately seen him on this exact same show before. Tick.

Sasha partly lives a life in the public eye, and would totes be comfortable with Sophie living her best life in front of cameras. Tick.

And, finally, some exclusive news that would make my journalism tutor from Melbourne University thrilled (Hi, Doug): 

SASHA. WANTS. SOPHIE.

Now, all we need is for a second batch of intruders to be named, and for Sasha to waltz in and sweep our gal off her feet.

Or, you know, Sophie's relationship with whoever wins (Stu, we all know it's Stu) could fail just in time for her to be named on Bachelor In Paradise, which - get this - Sasha is rumoured to be going on.

I know, you guys. I know. I'm like a magician.

Oh, and Sophie, if you're reading this, I do hope you are really happy with Stu and everything is working out because you deserve true love goddammit.

... I just also hope you consider Sasha.

And then marry him.

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