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There was something pretty fundamental missing in this week's Game of Thrones episode...

SPOILER ALERT: Do not read until you’ve watched the episode.

Welcome back lords and ladies.

Don your plate mail and wolf down a big bowl of brown because it’s a new episode of Game Of Thrones.

And first up – where has Arya been since Episode 10? When she was seafaring off to Braavos? Well, Arya literally hasn’t moved since we saw her last series. Remember? Standing proudly on the poop deck, surveying the big blue, leaving us all in suspense. Remember her on that poop deck?

Arya Stark

That is from season 4. Yet here she is, proudly upon the same poop deck.

Arya Stark

I like to think she has not moved from that poop deck.

“Little lady! Come below deck! The poop deck is no place for you!” “NO! I am Arya of House Stark! I will stick you with the pointy end! I will put you on my list of people to kill! I will not move from this poop deck!”

And so she stayed on the poop deck for 40 weeks. Can you tell I really like saying poop deck? Can any maritime folk tell me is that even is a poop deck? Poop deck.

Then they sailed right under the splayed legs of the titan of Braavos. Woah, when I said poop deck, I didn’t mean literally.

Speaking of Arya’s kill list: It’s feeling a little shorter these days: Meryn, Cersei, Walder Frey and the Mountain… she needs to watch more people kill her family members. Also how cool does Braavos look: an epic medieval Venice. I found myself pausing scenes just to ogle the backgrounds: the aqueducts. The traders of fish and strange melons. The cupolae.

Pod and Brienne continue their genderflipped Hound and Arya trek across Westeros, this time popping in at the Inn At The Crossroads aka the Inn where 99% of the clientele get stabbed on the reg. Seriously, those bowls of shit soup must be DELICIOUS. Or maybe it’s the service. Pod was smiling like a high schooler with a fake ID when that bar wench offered him ale. What a dear.

“Why aren’t there more willies on Game of Thrones? It’s not fair”.

Last episode I thought the whole “missed them by that much” moment between Brienne and Sansa was a little cheesy, so I was glad to see it was just [gets ready to drop a dramatic technique, dons monocle] foreshadowing [bows, removes monocle].

From the second I saw her hand touch her hilt, I knew were were going to get some sweet swordfighting here. I feel for Brienne: routinely getting pummelled (emotionally and physically), falling in love with what the Queen of Thorns would call “a sword swallower through and through”, and having to constantly claim that he was murdered by a shadow – it sounds so ridiculous every time she says it.

I was glad that she finally got to shatter a dudes sword and jam her own through his neck. Sometimes that’s what you just need, y’know? Sidebar: Did you know that Brienne herself, Gweondoline, is going to be in the new Star Wars??

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Brienne in Star Wars

Seriously. Google it. That was not just an excuse to post that awesome pun.

Sidebar to the sidebar: How good was The Force Awakens Trailer Two?? DAN! Stick to one nerd topic at a time please.

In King’s Landing, the Dornish have sent the Lannisters Myrcella’s lion pendant in the coolest packaging ever.

There sure know how to gift wrap down there.

Thanks to last week’s flashback, we now understand why Cersei is so protective of her kids, and that makes her potential reactions twice as scary. And Jaime is gonna need his passport and sunhat, because he’s off to Dorne. If that means more Oberyn-style polyamourous wisecrackers, then colour me excited. And he’s taking the best wisecracker of them all with him: Ser Bronn!

Huge language warning… but hey, this is Game of Thrones:

#ThugLife

Let’s go to Dorne now shall we? We can tell it’s Dorne because of the snake jewellery. Note to self = if snakes, then Dorne. More epic new scenery, a familiar face (Ellaria, Oberyn’s paramour) and new (Areo Hotah, and his boss, Doran Martell, Oberyn’s brother). Fun Areo Hotah fact: DeObia Oparei, who plays Areo, used to be a drag queen in Sydney.

Spot the difference:

In Mereen, Daario and Greyworm are doing a bit of brothel scouring. How Daario knew that dude was inside a wall, I will never know. Does he have x-ray vision? Is he “hide in the walls of a brothel” kind of guy?

The wall guy prompts a round table discussion about what to do with him – Mossador (the guy who wears a plait around his neck for some reason) says kill the jerk, Barristan Selmy gives some great Targaryen exposition in his gravelly baritone. Dany wants a trial. We get…

Tyrion in a wagon. Nice chat boys. Hurry up and get to Danaerys. At King’s Landing, Cersei continues her unravelling by putting her mate Qyburn on the small council. Hot tip Cersei: if a guy collects decapitated heads, avoid! And at the Wall, Gilly is learning to read, and all about one of the lesser known members of the Stark clan, called, as she puts it, “Ostrich Stark”:

I have never been more proud of a photoshop until this moment. If you needed a reason to share this article, that, my friends, is it.

In their “who can speak in a deeper, gravelly, more whispery voice” competition, Stannis drops a bombshell on Jon: bend the knee, and become Jon Stark. John motha-flippin’ STARK! But because of BLOODY HONOUR, he’s not going to do it. Nothing drives me crazier in Game of Thrones than when honour gets in the way of awesomeness…

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8 things only extremely addicted Game of Thrones fans will understand.

But wait! Awesomeness does ensue! A combined effort of Jon’s two booknerd friends – Samwell Tarly and Maester Aemon – means that Jon is the LORD COMMANDER! Well I guess the honourable path did pay off!

One for Snow, two for Snow!

We check in with Braavos again, where Arya is almost rumbled for a pigeon, but instead is headhunted by the House of Black and White creeper. He must see something in the pigeon toting young scamp, because he takes a shining to her, and even found her coin –  with either a mystical power he possesses, or a fishing rod and a magnet. But one last twist… HE WAS JAQEN H’GHAR! We should have suspected you Jaqen with your face changing ways.

Finally we reach Mereen. Mossador has done goofed and killed the brothel wall guy. Again honour strikes: Dany would rather lop the top off Mossador than go against her code of justice. But do her people thank her for the Legal Studies 101 lesson? No! They go silent! They hiss! They chuck stones! Seriously guys. Dany is just trying to lead. Be mature plz.

The episodes ends with Dany on her rooftop terrace, coming face to face with Drogon, the biggest of her dragons, and the first to move out of home. Is he tame? Is he gonna burn the city? Tune in next week on another epic GAME OF THRONES.

Cliff hanger!

Talking points!

DORNE IS COMING. Or more specifically, Jaime and Bronn are coming to Dorne. And waiting for them is a furious Ellaria, who sends out cool snake gizmos and and is marshalling Oberyn’s warrior princess daughters, the Sand Snakes. This will be kick ass.

CERSEI IS FALLING APART. Every ep she goes a bit more bonkers. Now she’s hanging out with a defrocked maester who keeps severed heads for creepy dungeon experiments. This plot line can only get more awesome.

RARE SEX-FREE EPISODE. Sorry teenage boys.

WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? This was a “setting up” episode. Tyrion’s still in transit… Jon is now Lord Commander… Dany is losing her grip on power, Cersei her’s on sanity… Jaime’s going south, Arya’s going to become a shapechanging assassin (we can only assume). I predict conflict in the next couple of episodes. Which means swords, blood, and death. BRING IT ON SER.

See you next week nerds!

If you missed last week’s recap, check it out here. 

Dan Debuf is Hit 104.1 2DayFM’s breakfast co-host.

Catch the show 6-9am weekdays (and 4-6pm national drive on Today’s hit network.)

What are your thoughts on the latest Game of Thrones episode?