It’s time we agreed on ‘social media spoiler’ etiquette.

*SPOILER ALERT* There will be NO spoilers in this post for plots that have developed within the last five years. I think that is more than fair. If you don’t know the secret truth about Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, do NOT read on. But I will not spoil any new TV shows. Promise.

We need a plan.

I’m hooked on approximately 15 different Netflix shows. It’s been a big few months recently, with the girls back in orange, the guys back on thrones, the happenings in the White House, the beach in Florida Keys.

But that’s not even the real drama. The real drama is the fights breaking out alllll over the Internet.

Spoilers. There’s nothing worse than spoilers. Except for people who go on social media during the finale of The Bachelor, even though they “haven’t had a chance to watch it yet”, and then hurl abuse at their Facebook friends who were just doing a shout-out to the new happy couple.

Need to discuss a show but can’t? That’s what The Binge is here for.  (Post continues after video.) 

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I’m in two minds about it. I hate spoilers. Naming a person who died on GoT because you got to watch the show before everyone else, is a supremely shitty thing to do. It should be the 11th Commandment. ‘Thou shalt not spoil a TV show for thy Facebook friends’.

But. But. BUT… If it’s a show that EVERYONE is talking about, like a final episode that we’ve all been holding our breath for, or a live grand finale of a reality TV show, and you aren’t watching it until the weekend, then I think you should just STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA.

I know that’s a harsh call, but seriously. You know everyone will be talking about it. It’s like you are trying to ruin it for yourself. Just suck it up and stay the f*** away from Facebook for one measly night, you fool. (Or quit your job so you can watch it on time with the rest of us).

But. But. BUT… Spoilers are bullshit anyway. So let’s lay out some really good ground rules right now from both points of view, especially in this month of epic new episodes.

No one wants new episodes of Offpring spoiled. (Image via Channel 10.)

1. Anything that's three months old, is allowed to be spoiled.

Seriously, you can't complain that you haven't had time to watch it yet. What have you been doing? Life goals? Pfft. Put down the yoga mat and get in front of the television screen. Anything older than three months should be fair game for open discussion. By the way, Bruce Willis was a ghost. If you didn't know that, YOUR FAULT.

2. If you don't want it to be spoiled, watch it ASAP.

It's obvious, people. Quit your jobs* and watch more Netflix. Duh.

*I will not accept any legal or financial responsibility for people who follow this sarcastic advice. 

3. Don't post little, tiny hints. 

It's pretty obvious when someone writes "Oh no! My favourite character just died..." when they have been posting pictures and memes about that character for the last three years. Stop posting spoilers, and go and cry into your pillow like the rest of us.

4. If it's a brand new episode, and you desperately need someone to discuss it with, be clever (and considerate).

Do some kind of lame status like "Ohmigod. PM if you have watched the OITNB finale. Need to debrief." Then you can chat your heart out with some other up-to-date tragic (...me?).

There are some very clever people on Facebook who do witchcraft by writing "See my Edited Comments if you want to chat about GoT" and they have this whole hidden section in their status with edited comments... Admittedly, if I tried that, I'd probably mess it up and openly tell everyone that Darth is actually Luke's father. So rule is: ONLY be clever if you're computer savvy.

5. Always, always do a *SPOILER ALERT*.

Use it at the start of your post if you absolutely have to say something about the death that just happened, you party-pooper. We'd all prefer you didn't, but if it makes you feel special and important, or you're just an ass-hole, at least try to warn us.

6. Just don't post spoilers.

Don't be that guy. You will lose all your friends, and your friends watch a lot of Netflix, so things will probably turn a Narcos-style of nasty.

So, that's it. In a nutshell, don't post spoilers. In another nutshell, don't spoil the show for yourself, just watch it instead.

P.S. I can't believe what happened to the ship in Titanic. PM me if you need to debrief. Wow.

Lucy has a comedy show Funny Face coming up July 13-17 in Melbourne. No spoilers, though...

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