Last night, I went to bed. Naively, I thought that like a NORMAL PERSON, I’d be able to go straight to sleep.
Instead I laid there for hours upon hours, contemplating my existence, while my partner’s snoring reverberated loudly throughout our bedroom.
Full disclosure: our dog also sleeps in our room, and he has now started to snore. The really f**ked up part is that he doesn’t even appear to be asleep…
As I ruminated about how much my day would be ruined by my now significant lack of sleep, and twitched with anger about how my partner would jump out of bed in the morning with a complete lack of awareness about my night of horrors, I realised something:
There are several reasons why snoring is annoying. And they all deserve to be written down and exist forever on the Internet.
1. The fact they are asleep.
Perhaps the single most annoying thing about sharing a room with a snoring human is the fact they're asleep. They're so relaxed. They look warm and content and they're probably dreaming about faraway places and puppies and goddamn rainbows while I'm laying there trying my very best not to KILL SOMEONE.
Why must they be asleep? If they were conscious it'd be easy to yell at them and curse them for being so selfish.
But because they're sleeping, they don't think their snoring is their... fault.
Watch: A reminder to my partner on the importance of sleep. (Post continues after video.)
2. The false hope.
They snore. They wheeze. It's so loud, and then suddenly... silence.
They've stopped and the room is quiet and you can finally drift back off to sleep. You smile to yourself as you enter that gooey space between being awake and being asleep. You're half in a dream, and then...
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
3. They try to get annoyed at you for things you do in bed.
Oh, I'm sorry, does my phone light bother you when you're trying to go to sleep?
Would you prefer I not look at my phone for 20 minutes when I get into bed? Is that inconvenient for you?
You know what's inconvenient?
BEING AWAKE AT 4AM BECAUSE THE PERSON BESIDE YOU IS MAKING INEXPLICABLE SOUNDS FROM THE DEPTHS OF THEIR THROAT. (Post continues after gallery.)
4. The look of smugness on their face.
My partner never looks happier than when he is fast asleep, and snoring loudly. I swear he has a small smile across his mouth, and all his facial muscles are relaxed.
This smugness makes your suffering all the more uncomfortable. How dare they be so asleep? How dare they not be the victim of their own affliction?
5. They try to deny they've been snoring.
It's beyond frustrating when you
hit them violently wake them up, only to be told they weren't snoring.
"I'm not snoring," they say sleepily, with the voice of a person who has just been in a very deep sleep and has most definitely just been snoring.
"Yes you were!" you insist, trying to speak sense to a human who is only semi-conscious.
'Go to sleep," they say, patting your head rather aggressively.
The anger. Oh my God, the anger.
Watch: Sleep-deprived mums share their funniest fails. (Post continues after video.)
6. The rhythm.
The fact that snoring has such a fine-tuned rhythm seriously makes it feel as though the snorer is doing it on purpose. There's no way the human body is capable of maintaining that rhythm for hours at a time without some input from the person's brain.
Moreover, the constant rhythm of snoring makes it easy to mistake for other, scarier noises.
Half asleep one night I convinced myself someone was scratching at my window, only to realise I had simply misinterpreted my partner's relentless snoring.
Clearly, I have a lot of feels about snoring, stemming from severe sleep deprivation and years of being a victim of my partner's nasal passage.
I have but one message for the snorers out there: GET. IT. FIXED.
Or maybe one day, your partner might just fix it for you...
Do you live with a snorer? What's the worst thing about it?
Featured image: iStock/Giphy