Technology has always worked overtime to make our lives that little bit easier.
Telephones were invented so we didn’t have to saddle up every time we wanted to ask our friends over for dinner.
Television remotes were invented to we didn’t have to get off our butt every time we wanted to flick channels.
And microwaves were invented because ~buttery microwave popcorn.
But as our phones get smaller, it would seem our brains are shrinking too: the latest technology is really starting to cross the line between ‘useful’ and ‘debilitating’.
In short, smart technology is making us really, really stupid.
Scientist Albert Einstein is rumored to have once said: “I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”
Whilst ‘idiot’ seems a little strong, I can’t help but feel a little guilty. I can’t remember the last time I attempted a double-digit multiplication in my head, or managed to navigate more than 500m of unknown territory without Siri holding my hand, in my hand.
But some of the latest inventions to hit the market will have you rolling your eyes in exasperation. If we keep relying on technology to micromanage our lives in every waking moment (and for waking up, and for capturing the moment) then we run the serious risk of forgetting How To Be Human.
Below is a complete list of the dumbest smart technology that is slowly but surely phasing out human life skills. Beware: stray too far and you might forget how to breathe on your own.
How to keep your fly from flapping open.
Something tells me that the inventors of NotiFly built this whole concept around its sort of clever name….which, incidentally, is the smartest thing about it.
To be honest, I can’t tell if NotiFly is a joke or not – but let’s play along with the bro-humour for now. NotiFly have created pants with an inbuilt sensor that detects if your fly is undone, sending a text message notification to your smartphone.
So uh….yeah. Yep. That’s where we are at in 2016.
How to stop losing your umbrella.
Kisha is a smart umbrella. No, it doesn’t whip you into the clouds à la Mary Poppins, but it does send you a text message if it’s raining. And it will send you another message if you stray too far from your umbrella, such as leaving it in a cafe or at work.
Or, you know, IF YOU LEAVE YOUR UMBRELLA AT THE FRONT DOOR WHICH IS WHERE EVERYONE LEAVES THEIR WET UMBRELLA.
Umbrellas are like ankle socks, bobby pins, or important pieces of paper: they are made to be lost. Relinquish them to whatever alternate universe they have flocked to, and never think of them again. *Whispers spell under breath*
How to brush your teeth.
Oral-B have released their ‘Genius’ toothbrush range, which connects up with a smartphone app.
Basically, it shows you what part of your teeth you’re scrubbing, what trends appear in your brushing data, and a helpful encouragement such as “Impressive!” at the end. Apparently, 250,000 people are already using the app, giving me grave concerns for the future of mankind.
(NB: I’m pretty sure the last person to tell me that my tooth brushing was ‘impressive’ was my mother. Decades ago. When I still relied on her assistance in squeezing out toothpaste.)
You can check it out here, or just continue enjoying the brief two minutes of your day brushing your teeth as an iPhone-free zone.
How to know when you should change your tampon.
MyFlow have created an interactive tampon. Yes. An interactive tampon. (And to think they talk about Facebook being an ‘invasive’ technology…)
It looks like a normal tampon, but the string attaches to a monitor that clips to your waistband and alerts you when your tampon is full. According to the founders, it’s to prevent the ‘horror stories’ that all women have about leaky tampons.
A tampon. Attached to a wire. That speaks to your phone. Sorry, but I’m pretty sure that screams ‘horror story’.
Watch their brand video here.
Hey Mia! What app have you downloaded this month? (Post continues after video)
How to check your phone.
This one is a corker. Like any of us can go longer than five minutes without checking our phones – it’s like a nervous twitch! – superheroes Ringly have created a line of jewellery that will alert you to a phone call or text message.
I guess that’s why they invented mobile phone ringtones and vibrate mode, but…actually, there is no ‘but’. That’s why they invented mobile phone ringtones and vibrate mode.
(Note: the rings actually look quite nice. I just can’t guarantee you won’t want to rip it off and throw it in the water after dealing with its constant flashing and beeping.)
How to ride your bike faster.
So, you lagging behind on your bike? Wish you could ride a little faster? Once upon a time this meant eating less donuts, and doing a little more exercise – but not any more!
The Super Pedestrian Bike Wheel is a wheel that clips onto your normal bike frame, and contains a small motor to push you faster. It also saves the energy created when going downhill, can be locked through your iPhone app, and contains smart control to prevent accidents.
OR you could use your bike for it’s original purpose: to keep you fit.
Anyway, we should probably stop before I become truly depressed about the state of humanity.
Why can’t someone hurry up and invent the things that REALLY matter, like a Game of Thrones theme park, or a never-ending packet of Tim Tams?