I’ve always evaluated women on their physical appearance, but I feel guilty about it. Maybe if I was the one subjected to the female gaze, a sense of justice would be restored.
“Show us your dick!”
“We want to see penis!”
I stood on a stage (twice) and gave a bar full of hooting and hollering women what they came to see: a man with a small penis who was secure enough—or foolish enough—to display it to them and the world.
I was a contestant at ‘The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn’ pageant in 2013 and again last summer. The pageant drew hundreds of (mostly) women to Kings County Saloon in Brooklyn, where the ladies stood in line around the block for an opportunity to…well, that depends on who you ask.
Some of them said they were there to take a stand against body-shaming. They adhered to the pageant organizers’ mission statement that the contest was created to “celebrate” men with little cocks, not to mock them. The other group of females who lined up at the door was less high-minded. “We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off,” said New Yorker Rachel Khona.
“We came to giggle at tiny penises and the men who would actually show them off." Image via iStock.
Apparently, women were there to either support men who are typically ridiculed by society, or to add to that ridicule. But why, you might reasonably ask, was I there? Why on Earth would I stand on a stage, bottomless, and allow judges to measure my penis with rulers while patrons with cell phones and media with cameras documented my debasement?
I was there for several reasons, some more admirable than others:
First—and I mention this because you want to know, whether you admit it or not—I do have a small pecker. Just under two inches, flaccid. Think of a Vienna sausage and two marbles, and you’ve got an accurate image. If you doubt that, you can Google “Rip van Dinkle” (my pageant name) for the photographic evidence. (Now that you know, do me a favor and don’t share this information with my female co-workers, past or present. Life is difficult enough without colleagues who smirk and have knowing looks in their eyes.)
Second, the whole idea struck me as hilarious. When I first read about the pageant, I laughed out loud, and that’s something I rarely do.
Third, I was curious. Would the pageant really be a “celebration” of men with wee willies, as the event organizers maintained, or just an excuse for some good old-fashioned public shaming? (Both, as it turned out.)
"Would the pageant really be a 'celebration' of men with wee willies?" Image via iStock.