Every time you leave the house with the kids, if you are not being nagged to buy slime, and wondering if the inventor of commercially marketed slime for children is satisfied with their gazillions of dollars at the expense of parents the world over… how do you even know you’re a parent?
Ah, slime. It once was a novelty that we only saw on television, at things like the Nickelodeon Kids awards shows and on It’s a Knockout. Now it’s everywhere.
Parents of the world, let us unite in loathing of this product, and the people who get $3 deposited into their bank accounts by slime angels every time the words “I just really need more slime!” are uttered.
So for this very reason, here are six things parents of slime-obsessed kids know to be true:
1. The need for new slime is constant.
Slime is freaking sold everywhere. At check outs, usually, perfectly positioned for purchasing pressure by the child for whom you're already in the shop buying stuff for.
The packaging is always colourful. It invariably promises something new; glitter, multi-coloured, a pony, whatever.
But it only promises one thing for parents: a fleeting break from being asked to buy more slime.
2. It costs you waaaay more than the $3 - $7 you're handing over.
The first time you buy slime, you think you're a great parent. You've bought your little poppet something they don't need, and the reward is a glowing little cherub.
But then, they notice that Chelsea at Hip Hop class has slime that glows. And, "it only cost $2.50!" And there's no silence until money is spent.
This pattern repeats itself every freaking time you leave the house, and before you know it, your child is an addict, and you're a slime enabler.
3. A DIY Kit can further break your already broken soul.
When the kids force you to become complicit in their slime addiction, it's all over.
They nag you to buy a DIY kit, or the ingredients, and you think, OK, that might be fun. At least they won't be on their iPads.
As you meticulously follow the slime recipe, the kids will sit at the kitchen bench licking iceblocks and watching you stuff it up.
BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS.
They will then insist on researching the 'proper' method for slime production by watching 500 hours of YouTube videos of kids in other countries making slime explode in ridiculous ways. Or even worse, they might just try doing it themselves, forcing you to set fire to your kitchen to clean up the mess.
4. You could write a book titled: "How slime destroyed my marriage and my kids."
Your kids will accuse each other of leaving that slime to melt on the couch. And then they will fight over who that extra melty-gooey slime should now belong to.
You'll walk in on your partner silently but intently fingering something, and they will look up, startled and guilty, because they will have been caught slime-handed.
You will stand in a store and swear you bought slime last Saturday and that it's enough, and you can't take anymore, and strangers will feel sorry for your children.
5. Slime can kill you.*
*It can't, maybe, who knows, it just feels like it can.
Slime looks fairly innocuous sitting on a store shelf. As a parent, you understand it's educationally void on every level, but you figure, what's the harm?
And then your kid opens the package in the car. Or at the playground. Or whilst sitting on the toilet. But most likely, all three.
And next thing you know, that slime is on your dinner table. Or on your pillow. And all. Over. Your. Phone.
It's in the fridge. Mushed into the carpet. It's in your hair - and your child's.
But it's not just the mess you have to worry about. It's the germs, from who knows where, that most definitely (maybe, or probably not at all) make slime a breeder of infectious diseases for which you need vaccinations.
6. Slime always wins.
Completely defeated, one day you find every slime container and throw them in the bin when everyone's asleep.
The kids wake up to discover that the slime they had totally forgotten about from last week is missing.
An hour later, you head out in a tornado/snow storm to buy more slime, because you will literally do anything to make their voices stop.
Slime has won. Again.
LISTEN: If you're child is all about slime right now, there's a good chance unicorn hair is going to pop up in conversation soon. We discuss, on our podcast for imperfect parents.