5:00am-6:00am: Wake up.
WTF?! You only just shut your eyes! Between the crying, the feeding, the re-settling and whatever the older kid’s problem was, you’ve literally had about an hour of (broken) sleep. Today is going to be long, my friend.
6:30am: ‘Who are these small people and why do they keep asking me for food?’
Put the kettle on and know that sweet, sweet relief will soon be pulsing through your veins. You can do this. You feel like roadkill but you. Can. Do. This.
Supply some sort of breakfast for the small humans and enjoy the left over pieces for yourself, you lucky devil.
7:00am: Give up asking the kids to eat breakfast at an actual table and promise yourself to teach them manners at some point. Your coffee is now cold, by the way. Drink it, it’s all you have time for.
8:00am: Dress the children. As your eyes no longer focus properly you’ll likely dress your daughter in your husband's clothes, you son in your daughter's clothes and the baby in that 'pimps and prostitutes' fancy dress costume that your sister made you wear to her 21st. As long as everyone has clean underwear on, you’re winning in my books.
Try and throw clothes on your own body. This will be done with children hanging off your appendages and constant background whinging (the baby is tired from being up all night, you know).
Resort to the television while you locate something that isn’t stained in food or baby spew. Failing that, remove any obvious marks with a baby wipe. You’ve done your best, tiger. Just tell everyone that it’s a new look you’re trying out- homeless, dishevelled mess. And you lady, are rocking it.
Restrain everyone in the car and make your way to various daily activities. It’s possible that you’ll drop the 7-year-old off at daycare and try and convince school to mind your 2-year-old for the day, so take a minute to reprogram your brain before pulling out of the driveway. Some people are annoying sticklers for the rules.
Once everyone is safely being looked after by other people, it’s time to adult.
Here’s how this should go. Coffee, coffee, everyone shut up, coffee.
Once sufficiently caffeinated, try and smile at the smug bastards strolling in with a solid eight hours under their belt. It’s not their fault you feel like a corpse. You don’t have to smile at the ones who have voluntarily gone to the gym before work though. They’re just showing off.
During the day, try and type words on the glowing box thing. It’s what you’re there for.
You’ll also probably have to interact with other humans. Try and time these conversations with coffee consumption. That way, you’re much more likely to keep up with workmates who’s brains are operating at a much higher capacity than yours. Think of it as parenting performance enhancement. It’s not frowned upon in this sport.
Mid-morning someone will stop you in the kitchen to let you know that your shirt is inside out.