When she is not patting random dogs, Emma is putting down her ramblings for www.tinylovebug.com
Once you’re happily coupled up, or have succumbed to matrimony, it’s important to keep some single friends around to remind you of how good you’ve got it. It’s also important to constantly remind them that however they’re living their life; they’re doing single life wrong. If you’re not sure how to do this, I’m here to help get you started.
Force them onto dating apps
Harass all your single friends into joining as many dating apps as will fit on their phone. This is the most fun way to live vicariously through them. Then when they start hooking up with guys they meet online, start judging them for dating around and being picky, and remind them of the over-romanticised way you met your husband.
Tell them they should be out partying all the time
Make sure you ask them what they did on the weekend, and tut-tut when they reply that they have had a relaxing time alphabetising their Buffy the Vampire Slayer back catalogue. Remind them that they’re single, and as such every weekend should be treated as a 48 hour bender, before they are tied down with projectile vomiting spawn and a disinterested husband who would rather be playing golf then lifting a finger around the house.
When you do plan a girls night out together, make sure you spend at least three weeks over planning it (heck, it will probably take that long to find a babysitter), constantly use the phrases ‘girls night’ and ‘girl squad’ in the group chat. On the night itself, insist on consuming a bottle of champers before you leave the house, then shots once you’re at the bar, and make sure you end the night drunkenly attempting to twerk, before vomiting in the Uber on the way home. That’s showing your single friends how it’s done!
Listen: How Poh met her husband. Post continues after audio.
Constantly remind them that ‘the clock is ticking’
The endless, subtle hints of imminent infertility are the bane of single women everywhere. It’s kind of like warning them – have fun dating around, because it will all end in tears when you have too much fun being single and forget to produce some screaming progeny. Then those that don’t heed your warning will end up soothing their barren womb with seven cats and an addiction to romance novels. But obviously, don’t let them think that their pets are comparable to ‘real’ children. You’ll never know real love until your vagina has been ripped apart. Obvs.
Set them up with literally any single male you know
It’s a widely accepted fact that once a woman is over 25, she is ready to get married, settle down, reproduce and really live the suburban dream. With that in mind, it is up to you to save your friend from the misery of spinsterhood by setting them up with any available single man you know, even if it might mean, ahem, scraping the bottom of the barrel. But your friend isn’t getting any younger so you really are doing her a solid even if Tom is 15 year her senior, balding and spends his spare time playing with train sets in his basement, or Joe is already twice divorced with mounting credit card debt, hey, it’s better than being SINGLE.