dating

"You want to change them." The 5 signs that the person you’re with isn’t the one.

I’m one of those people that believes in soulmates.

I think there’s a perfect match for every one of us. However, I also believe there are other people you can be compatible with, and you can still have a great relationship with them.

It’s easy to fall in love with someone and feel like they’re "the one." You may end up liking them so much that you end up bypassing little things that you know deep down bother you.

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For example, my first boyfriend was Muslim. 

I’m Christian, and at the time, I chose to bypass the fact that we would never work because of how much I cared for him. I thought he was "the one" because of other personality traits that clicked with mine.

The problem is that eventually, that hot and passionate love you feel for someone simmers down, and all of those things you bypassed initially start to resurface and cause problems.

These things aren’t always immediate, and in some cases, it takes months — maybe even years for you to acknowledge them. 

It’s always better to do it sooner rather than later. I prolonged my relationship for much longer than I should have, and in the end, I hurt the other individual, and I wasted a lot of time.

With that being said, here are five signs that the person you’re with isn’t the one.

You can’t see yourself with them forever.

You might be extremely happy with whoever you’re with right now, but that’s not a sign that they’re the person you’re meant to be with forever.

I’ve dated guys that made me happy at that moment, but at the end of the day, a small part of me just knew it wasn’t the right fit. 

Usually, your gut instinct is right, and you choose not to listen because you think to yourself, "There’s no harm in having a little bit of fun right now."

What if the other individual does see a future with you? What if they dream about having you at their side forever?

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If you’re on the same page and you agree that your relationship is temporary — by all means, do you. 

However, if you are looking for a serious partnership with someone and the person you’re with doesn’t make you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot, it’s time to let them go.

When you’re with "the one," you should see a future with them. 

You should see yourself growing old with them, drinking coffee on your patio when you’re 65 — reminiscing on your fondest memories of your youth together.

You want to change them.

"He’s perfect in essentially every aspect, but he needs to get better at X, start doing Y, and definitely incorporate a little Z into his life. After that, I’ll be happy."

I’m all for self-improvement, and I think you can influence a person for the better in terms of things like fitness, health, ambition even — but when it boils down to their behavior or how they were raised or beliefs — that’s when you can’t do much and in fact, you shouldn’t.

If you know your partner has a streak of negative habits, you can’t enter the relationship thinking you’ll somehow magically erase 20-plus years of them doing the same thing over and over again.

They’re their own individual, they’ve built their own character, and they have deep-rooted beliefs in them that are there for specific reasons.

Relationship expert Daniel Amis says if there are many things you wish to change about the person you’re with, it simply means you’re not on board with who they really are.

Just like you wouldn’t want your partner to change you, you should never enter a relationship thinking you’ll be able to change them.

Instead, find someone who truly is aligned with your morals, your views, and your goals. It’ll save you both a lot of heartache.

You censor your behaviour and the way you talk.

Whenever you enter a new relationship, you almost always censor your behaviour and the things you say. It’s totally normal; you want to put on your best self in front of the person on whom you’re crushing.

When I first started dating my partner, I made it a priority to look flawless. 

My hair was always down in effortless curls, my makeup perfect; if I had a blemish or pimple — I covered it with makeup or cancelled our outing. I just wasn’t comfortable.

I even hid my "nerdy" side; he didn’t know I was obscenely obsessed with Harry Potter until way later.

The more time we spent together, the more comfortable we became with one another. It was natural. It felt safe to let him see other sides of me — for instance, a makeup-free-me. My hair not being done; if my skin was having a bad day, I let it breathe instead of covering it up.

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It takes time to let someone see your true and naked self — but at the end of the day, you have to progress to that step in your relationship. 

If you feel like the relationship you’re currently in isn’t like that, and you constantly feel the need to bite your tongue or act a certain way, it’s a total red flag.

It took me a while to get comfortable with my partner, and for some people, it happens almost instantly — but it is inevitable. You can’t hide parts of yourself from the person you love forever.

You should be completely comfortable being silly, dorky, nerdy, and exactly who you truly are with the person you’re with. And anyone who makes you feel otherwise isn’t a good fit.

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You’re not aligned with one another.

'Alignment' is one of my favorite words. The dictionary says it’s "a position of agreement or alliance."

When a country has an alliance with another, they help each other out when they’re in need. During times of war, for example, if two countries have an alliance, one will help the other by providing weapons and supplies.

If you’re not aligned with your partner, if they can’t help you when you’re in need — whether that be emotional support, mental or physical — how can you have a true partnership with them?

When you’re deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone, ensuring that your values, morals, ethics, views, etc., are in alignment is one of the most crucial things you can do for things to work out.

For example, emotional compatibility, sexual compatibility, making sure you have the same or similar views on religion (if you have one), kids (do you both want children?) and whether you're both open on where you want to live. Do you agree with their lifestyle? Do they agree with yours?

If people made an effort to ask the hard questions early on in relationships instead of avoiding them out of fear of their instincts being right, the rate of relationships being successful would probably be a lot higher.

I asked my partner if he wanted kids and marriage before we even started dating. Now we’ve been together for almost three years.

You just know.

Sometimes you just know. 

You meet someone, and they’re perfect in every way. They dote on you, cherish you, give you their undivided attention, and despite wishing and crying with every part of yourself that they could be the one, they just aren’t.

Usually, it’s because of some underlying issue that you tell yourself you can live with, but you know you can’t when it comes down to it.

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This is probably one of the hardest signs because friends and family members will remind you how flawless this particular individual was, and you’ll constantly think, "what if," but deep down in your soul, you know the true reason behind why you’re not together.

I fell for an older man once; he was about 20-plus years older than me. 

He was flawless, effortlessly affectionate, and caring. A man in every single way except the problem was he didn’t want any more children. He already had two of his own.

And I just knew it wasn’t meant to be. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, it’s simply best to say goodbye. It’s not worth giving up something you deem as important. For me, having my own family and children ranks as a number one priority.

One day you’re going to meet someone that is the perfect match for you, and you’ll be so happy that it didn’t work out with anybody else.

Every heartache will have been worth it; every tear, every bottle of wine you downed because you just wanted to cheer up after that heartbreak you just experienced will all be well worth it.

The sooner you identify whether the person you’re with is "the one," the sooner you’re able to be free to find your perfect fit.

This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission. 

Feature Image: Getty.

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