sex

12 signs you're in an unhealthy relationship.

By: Lizzy Smilez for Divorced Moms

There are pretty much universal signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship. If this sounds like yours, it is time to make some huge changes. Perhaps therapy is in order and your relationship is fixable. And in some cases, the only way to save yourself is by leaving it.

1. He is an addict.

If your partner is an addict, you cannot fix him. You must leave if you ever want peace or joy in your life. Some women develop an unhealthy love of the drama that life with an addict brings. Other women are co-dependent and “enjoy” repeated attempts to fix and care for their sick partner. Regardless, if you want a healthy relationship yet are with an addict, it is time get therapy, get strong, and get out. There is no other option if you ever hope for joy, peace and love in your life.

2. There is physical abuse.

If either you or your partner are hitting each other, you must end the relationship. Almost without exception, violence escalates. If this is your relationship, your mental and physical safety are at grave risk. Get help. Get out. Now.

3. He abuses your children.

If your partner abuses your children, you must report the crime and leave immediately. It is your moral, legal and ethical duty to protect your children. Failure to do so means there is a very real possibility you may have your parental rights terminated. These seems so obvious yet I know a few women who have actually put their children at risk in order to try and keep their guy. It is unbelievably sick.

It is your moral, legal and ethical duty to protect your children. Image via iStock.

4. You can’t be your “true” self.

If you are constantly trying to appease your partner by being someone you’re not, you need serious help. If you are afraid that your partner won’t like you or may leave if he truly gets to know you, you must confront this reality now. This one can be really tough. When I first met my fiancé, I hesitated telling him about my battle with cancer. I realised that if he knew about my health issues and left me, we had no future anyway. I have tried my best to be the “real Lizzy” from day one because if I am not good enough for my guy, then we are seriously wasting our time. And if he needs to leave the relationship, then there is nothing I can do to prevent it anyway.

5. Your family, friends and children hate him.

If those you love the most can’t stand your guy, you need to start listening. Ask why and if you see some truth in what they are saying, perhaps you need to re-think the relationship entirely. Plus, if your guy becomes the reason why your loved ones makes themselves scarce, you are becoming isolated in the relationship. Perhaps your guy loves this– you are all his and he can better control you. And if this is true, you are in a potentially highly abusive relationship.

6. He embarrasses you.

Who loves to continually make excuses for the behaviour of our guy? No one! If you no longer want to take him with you to public events or around your friends, it is time to end the relationship.

If those you love the most can't stand your guy, you need to start listening. Image via iStock.
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7. He cannot communicate in healthy and "normal" ways.

If your guy can't communicate and he resorts to screaming at you, you are in a bad relationship. There is no way to develop love and trust in that relationship. Or, if he refuses to talk about tough issues, you cannot develop true intimacy. Communication is key to any good relationship.

8. He criticises you.

My ex-husband took great pleasure in cutting me down. I apparently would not have a job without him. I was a terrible driver, a horrible mother. I was boring. The more he criticised me, the more I grew to loathe him. Sound healthy? Of course not!

9. You hate the sex.

If you and your partner no longer enjoy a healthy sex life, there is a reason for it. You either lack an emotional connection, he is addicted to porn, or he simply no longer satisfies you (emotionally or physically). There are happy marriages that become sexless, true. But if you're in a new relationship that lacks passion, or if you "put out" but hate it, there is something seriously wrong. I admit that until the bitter end of my marriage, my now ex-husband and I had sex. But I hated it. His touch made my skin crawl and I would often mouth horrible things when he couldn't see. It was a small way of taking my soul back even if he had my body for a few minutes. It was incredibly sad and pathetic. This was one more chink in our highly abusive, unhappy, unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage. There was no way to fix it either.

If you and your partner no longer enjoy a healthy sex life, there is a reason for it. Image via iStock.

10. He lies.

This one seems obvious but, too often, it isn't. I recently met a guy who was talking about his ex-wife. She apparently lied about small things and he ignored it. After all, who cares if she was lying about, say, restaurants she had been to or a city that she had travelled to but clearly hadn't. But then he realised that she was lying about everything else-- a university she apparently graduated from (but didn't), that she was a master karate instructor, and how many marathons she completed (after years of marriage, he never once saw her go for a single run, let alone train for a marathon). They married anyway and had children. Throughout their contentious marriage, he was constantly trying to keep track of the lies she was telling mutual friends so he wouldn't contradict her. This became almost paralysing to the point where he no longer wanted to spend time with any of their friends. I, too, was married to a guy who lied endlessly, though it was about his drinking. He lied to me about where he was (at a bar instead of work), that he was in therapy (those AA sessions were really drinking session at his favorite pub), what ended his former marriage, and how he was spending money. If you cannot trust, you cannot have a healthy relationship. It simply isn't possible. And a liar is not trustworthy. Ever.

11. You love his absence.

I have a friend whose husband travels frequently and before each trip, she is nearly ecstatic with the anticipation of his leaving. She (claims) that the best times of her week are when her husband is away. Ouch. If you don't like spending time with your partner, you are doomed.

12. He controls you (or tries to).

If your partner tries to control everything you do, including how you spend money, which friends you can invite to the house, or even your clothing choices, you are in a potentially abusive relationship. If you add any type of physical or emotional abuse to the mix, you need to get help immediately.

Have you ever been in an unhealthy relationship? What made you realise?

This post originally appeared on Divorced Moms.