“Beware the dizzying highs.”
This week, while Holly Wainwright, Rachel Corbett and I sat across from each other on Mamamia Out Loud, discussing how soon is too soon to get engaged, and if such a thing even exists, Rachel asked; “What’s the rush?” before offering perhaps the best dating advice I’d ever heard.
Four simple words; “Beware the dizzying highs,” are ones I wish I’d been told 10 years ago.
The worst relationships I’ve ever been in, and the worst I’ve watched unfold, are the ones that moved the fastest.
I thought of the guy who told me he loved me after two weeks.
The guy who said I was everything he’d been looking for, after only a handful of dates.
The guy who I went away with after only being together a month.
The guy I texted back and forth, 40, maybe 50 times a day, after only having just met.
I thought about the sleepless nights; was what I interpreted as euphoria actually anxiety?
I thought about my lack of appetite; was what I interpreted as excitement actually my gut telling me something wasn’t right?
Just about everything in our world teaches us that love falls out of thin air and hits us hard over the head.
You are overcome by infatuation. It’s almost like a sickness. You abandon all control and fall – with no real sense of where you’re going.
And perhaps the most dangerous myth we’re sold is that when you know, you just know.
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My relationship with my husband of 6 years moved very quickly - we had talked on the phone for 6 months after meeting coz he lived interstate - but after he visited me for 1 week I knew he was the one, on his second visit a couple months later he said "I love you".... we were married less than a year later. Still very happy and in love now.
But... even though I knew I was going to marry him pretty quickly, I didn't feel crazily infatuated with him. I felt safe, like I could be completely myself with him. It's hard to describe that feeling of "knowing" that we had. Not love at first sight exactly, but a certain connection.
The infatuation actually came later, after we were engaged, when we could barely keep our hands off each other.
Don't over think it, but at the same time don't rush in on a wave of emotion. Do you feel like you can be authentic with the person? Do they love you for who you are? Can you talk about hard things as well as the easy stuff? Do you love them with the sort of love that isn't just about the physical connection and "feelings", but the love that will lead you to do really crazy things - like have a baby with that person, get up at 6am most mornings so you can have coffee together before he heads off to work. The love that won't care about sickness, disagreements, sleep-deprivation with babies if you have them, etc. Can you imagine the rest of your life with that person, with all the messy stuff as well as the good things?
You obviously should be attracted to the person as well but don't forget that the infatuation fades. You can't base a married on it.
If not, don't get engaged. :-)
I used to think the same way, but I've been in both types of relationships and can offer a different perspective. My first relationship was euphoric and stressful. It triggered all my insecurities because I was truly in love and terrified of losing the person. I did eventually lose him and it nearly killed me.
In my next relationship, I felt what you describe as "comfort, calmness and safety". I believed that was what true love was supposed to be, but the reason I felt calm was because my feelings were not as strong for that person. It's difficult to admit.
It takes an enormous amount of self development, spiritual development and maturity to be ready for, and to maintain the first kind of love. That's why it usually goes bad. It doesn't work until you do the inner work and believe you are "enough". The insecurities will keep taking over until that happens. Remember that guys can get overwhelmed with insecurities too.
Fortunately I have a second chance with the first person now that we are older. It took a huge amount of compassion and forgiveness to open my heart again. Not many people get the chance to try again, so I feel very lucky.