'For years my sister has made comments about my body. It's toxic and exhausting.'

At 22, *Grace has never shared a close bond with her sister *Hayley, who is 19.  

Even though the pair share the same circle of friends, look very much related, and have similar interests, for Grace the relationship has always been muddied by jealousy, subtle jabs of cruelty and constant comparisons.

It has been the little put downs that have over time created a snowball effect Grace notes, a death by a thousand cuts if you will.  

“The comments are never overt, rather it’s the subtle jabs that can make the most impact,” she says to Mamamia.

But it is the focus on Grace’s weight, and her body that has hurt the most. 

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Grace once offered her sister a pair of shorts as they no longer fitted her. Hayley then took it as an opportunity to question why Grace had put on weight.

“If my weight ever fluctuates, she’ll point it out. In this instance, Hayley tried the shorts on and said, ‘oh look I’ve got them on and they are basically falling off me. I must be far skinnier than you it turns out’.

“Being in Hayley’s company, there’s almost like a weighing up people with her eyes. Conversations about friends, celebrities or strangers often first revolve around their body and how they look. It can be toxic to be around,” she says.

“My sister has ultimately made me question my body every single day.”

If Grace ever questions what her sister is saying, noting the impact her words have had, Grace says it immediately gets thrown back in her face. 

“If I try to bite back, then Mum and her will be like, ‘why would you think that she’s trying to offend you, you’re the one being sensitive.’ And yes, I can recognise I probably am being sensitive but it can feel a little gaslighty not to have it acknowledged.”

It’s not only Hayley who voices these comparisons solely based upon looks. It’s men as well. 

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“Often men will come up to us and gladly say to my face, ‘Hayley is definitely the hot sister’. It’s absolutely jealousy on my part, but being made to feel like the second-rate sister in lots of ways isn’t nice,” she notes.

Professor of Social Psychology at Macquarie University, Julie Fitness, has conducted years of research into relationships, including sibling dynamics. 

“Sibling relationships are full of emotion, especially in childhood and early adulthood,” Prof Fitness tells Mamamia.

“Of all the emotions experienced by siblings toward one another, jealousy and envy tend to be regarded as prototypical. We still know relatively little about the origins and functions of sibling love and hate and the emotions that keep some siblings forever estranged.” 

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At the start of the year, Grace and Hayley embarked on a road trip with their group of friends, stopping off on the way at a country pub. While at the venue, Grace went to the bar to grab a drink, only for one of the male patrons to start up a conversation with her. The topic of choice: Grace’s sister.

“He was sitting there talking to me and literally saying, ‘look, your sister is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. You’re alright yourself, but wow your sister’.”

The man then went on to make belittling comments about both the sisters, comparing how one another looked. 

“Firstly, he was being completely misogynistic and inappropriate, which isn’t okay. But in that moment I realised this man was just confirming all my insecurities so bluntly to me,” Grace says.

“The sad thing is that my sister knows how demoralising that experience was for me, but she still often brings it up whenever the name of that specific country town we were visiting comes up in conversation.”

As Professor Fitness highlights, conflict and teasing within a sibling relationship is something that can have long-term negative consequences.

“Particularly among sisters, it is well understood which buttons to push for maximum hurt and upset. It can also be destructive when those around the siblings set up this competitive arc. Questions like: ‘why don’t you have as many friends as your sister?’ ‘Why don’t you have a good job/a lovely partner like your sister?’ ‘Why won’t you behave, look at how well your sister is behaving?’ It’s never-ending.”

But what Julie’s research suggests is that the most powerful factor involved in sibling rivalry is the reaction and response from the parents.

It’s a reality Grace knows all too well.

Image: Getty.

“My parents, especially my mum, never picks up on the hurtful jabs my sister can sometimes make,” Grace shares.

According to research, the most frequently cited reasons for sibling jealousy include the loss of exclusivity, the diversion of parental attention and perceived parental favouritism. 

“I’m a pretty introverted person, but at home when I was younger, I couldn’t help but want more attention than what I was often getting. I think that lack of support on my mum’s part has a lot to do with the fact that she herself grew up with an older sister, so she sees things from that younger sibling lens,” Grace notes.

“And you know what, I can’t blame her. Because if I was to have kids, there is every chance I could end up siding with the older child subconsciously too.”

As for how things are now, Grace says the fact the two of them live together at home hasn’t exactly helped their sibling relationship.

“Living with my sister makes it harder. My mental health is a lot better when she’s not around. When we’re together under the same roof, it feels like we are at war with one another, and it’s exhausting to not feel comfortable in your own house.”

And as is noted anecdotally by many, it does often become the case that siblings grow closer as adults when they're not constantly in one another’s space. 

“Sisters, and siblings generally, are not just competitors. They can also be allies because they have such a close, shared history,” Julie tells Mamamia.

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“They can play a powerful role in shaping our ongoing emotional lives, especially in the adulthood context. In fact, relationships with siblings may be the longest-lasting relationships of our lives.”

Throughout Sydney’s recent lockdown, Grace and Hayley were living apart, the younger sister staying at a relative’s place. While living apart for those three or so months, Grace says she did not miss her sister once. But she hopes that with distance, the pair could become closer. 

“Of course, I love my sister. But I just hope that in the future I could like her more too.”

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

 Feature Image: Getty.