Did the world's worst man actually discover the secret to a perfect marriage?

There are plenty of reasons for the world to be alarmed about Donald Trump.

He wants to build a wall between the USA and Mexico. He wants to stop Muslims from immigrating to America. He doesn’t want to be interviewed by women who disagree with him. And he thinks global warming is a desirable solution to those long, cold New York winters.

BUT — when it comes to marital harmony, maybe we need to start listening to the man they call “The Hair”. Perhaps, just perhaps, the thrice-married tycoon has uncovered the secret to a happy relationship — and it’s all about the toilet.

An interview with the presidential hopeful from just before his 2005 marriage to Melania has surfaced, where he and Howard Stern spoke about some really important topics — like how these rich and powerful men stay attracted to their young and beautiful partners.

Watch Melania talk to Barbara Walters about her marriage to The Donald. Post continues below. 

Video via ABC News

And the key is — no bodily functions. No farting. No going to the toilet. Preferably not even referencing that you might be going to the toilet.

In the interview, Trump is eager to talk to Stern about a comment the DJ made about his partner, Beth.

“You said you’ve never heard her fart,” says Trump.

And Stern answers, in his characteristically mature way. “Not only is that true, she doesn’t make doody.”

We can only assume, people, that here this grown man is referring to defecating.

“I can say the exact same thing about Melania,” Trumps says, happily. “I’ve never seen it, it’s amazing. I’d never experienced that… I never thought it applied to anyone else, but it applies to Melania.”

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA - FEBRUARY 1 : Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks with his wife Melania Trump by his side during a campaign event at the U.S. Cellular Convention Center February1, 2016 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Trump who is seeking the nomination for the Republican Party attends his final campaign rally ahead of tonight's Iowa Caucus. (Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images)
Donald and Melania Trump on the campaign trail. Image via Getty.

He was asked, “Does she ever say, ‘I’m just going to the bathroom?'” Trump replied, “No, hardly at all.”

Trump has made his position clear in one of the most age-old marital sticking points — how much intimacy is too much intimacy?

Clearly, in the land of the Alpha Male, intimacy must not make a sound — or a smell — that might disrupt a fantasy version of the perfect woman.

But for mere mortals, who (whisper it) might survive with only ONE BATHROOM, these lines are much more blurred.

Some couples are: “You’re in the shower and I need a wee, deal with it.” Others are shouting the news of the day through an open bathroom door.

Others have formally agreed boundaries, like:

“It’s a closed door policy when it comes to number twos but everything else is fair game. I regularly threaten to fart on my husband’s pillow. I don’t think Ms Trump has that kind of sass.” – Julie, married, 3 kids.

Some consider it a sign of true love to be comfortable enough in front of your other half to be able to fart in their very presence.

Donald and Melania Trump getty 3
Yes, there are people that go to extreme lengths to do a “Melania”. Image via Getty.

But then, there are the people who will go to extreme lengths to do a “Melania Trump”.

Young women, who tell tales of holding in “number twos” for days on the first trip to their other half’s parents’ house. Of tying their insides-out suppressing their need to let it all go.

“I’m weirdly private about pooing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m the youngest of 5 and grew up with NO privacy, but I’ve never pooped in a situation where a boyfriend or suitor might know about it. I’ve never farted in front of a guy either.” – Gabriella, single. 

“I went travelling with a bunch of guys and didn’t go for 14 days…” – Margot, single. 

Fourteen days, everyone. Just think about that.

The key thing The Donald left out of his dissertation on this age-old issue is whether he affords Melania the same courtesy.

Does he make sure he always leaves the toilet in an acceptable state? Does he leave the room to pass wind?

<> "Celebrity Apprentice All-Star" Event With Donald And Melanie Trump at Trump Tower on April 9, 2013 in New York City.
“See this lady? She smells fantastic,” – Donald Trump, probably. Image via Getty.

Because many, many women wish their partner would.

Behold, the evidence of experience:

“I don’t think either party should be prudish or ashamed, but………I really wish that my husband was a bit more discreet and less overtly proud of his bodily functions. He has gone so far as to nickname me “Poo”…not because I poo, but because he loves pooing so much. He talks to me about his poo.” – Annabel, married, 2 kids. 

Take home lessons? If you want to be married to Donald Trump, get really good at keeping it all in.

Which leads to a much bigger question: WHO THE HELL would want to be married to Donald Trump?

Dutch oven. anyone?

What do you think? How much intimacy is too much intimacy?