beauty

Can we please stop with the shift dresses? Please?

I freaking love a good dress.

This is for a number of reasons. The first is that they are beautifully cost effective. A top and bottom bundled up in the same garment costs significantly less than a top and bottom purchased separately, while still achieving the same standard of body coverage required to exit the house without being arrested.

The second is that dresses are quicker to put on than top and bottom combos, ultimately resulting in more time each morning to sleep/check Facebook/do something more productive than this which I am yet to discover, but I’m sure I will one day.

The third is that they are comfortable (no annoying muffin tops when you’re in a frock). The fourth is that they allow you to break out into impromptu interpretive dance at all times…

Look, let’s just say that dresses are the superior garment. They’re all I get around in, anyway.

So, I speak as an interested and invested consumer when I humbly ask of chain stores across the country: Can we stop with the shift dresses?

Please?

Let’s not kid ourselves: they look good on a very small sliver of the population. And that slither of the population look good in most things, so I doubt they’d miss them. However, for those of us with slightly more pronounced waist-to-hip ratios and significantly protruding boobs and bums, the shapeless shift presents a problem.

Their flaw of fit lies in their simplicity: they are just two pieces of material sewn together with side seams. This lack of structure makes them a nightmare for anyone with a larger behind, as the dress becomes significantly shorter at the back than it is at the front. The opposite is true for those with bigger busts.

Of course, I know that this simplicity is why they’re so popular with the fashion powers-that-be. They’re super easy to design and cheap to manufacture.

But, goodness, they are hideous.

It would be fine if shift dresses were just an option. But they’re not. They’ve monopolised the market for a good two years now. Which was tolerable for a while, but now my dresses from three years ago are starting to wear a little thin (this does happen when you wear them on as high a rotation as I do) and I can only get by hiding their frays and rips with cardigans for so long. I’ve even started wearing jeans, which I really hope is not a long term solution.

So, please, fashion chains with a $60 dress price point – you know who you are *cough* DOTTI *cough* – next season, think about diversifying your frock offerings. Maybe try a long-sleeved skater dress number? Or a full-skirted, high-necked retro situation?

Whatever you make, I beg you, put a waist on it.

Because these jeans are taking too long to put on in the morning, and are seriously stifling my ability to interpretive dance.

Here are some of our top non-shift dress picks for this season…

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