We've come to expect the very worst in 2020, but nobody expected this latest twist.
We, as a species, have figured out how to defy gravity.
That's the only logical conclusion to draw from a swimsuit we have just discovered on online store Shein, lovingly named a 'Cut-out Halter Triangle Tie Side Bikini Swimsuit' but more accurately summed up as 'A Nip-Slip Waiting To Happen'.
You see, the (alleged) bikini top covers precisely one quarter of a woman's breasts, leaving not only the underboobs but also BOTH sides just kind of... waiting for the inevitable, when the nipple joins them, free, in the big bad world.
It looks like this:
That's a lot isn't it?
Not... literally a lot. It's literally a little. But figuratively, it's a lot.
I have stared at this bikini for... too long. In all colours (there's red, baby pink and black too if that... tickles your fancy?), from all angles visible in the photos available on the internet.
And I am perplexed, with questions not limited to how? and also why?
1. What if you have to move your... arms?
Things you could not do in this bikini, an incomplete list:
- Scratch your nose
- Do that over head arm stretch thing everyone finds themselves involuntarily doing when they're in the middle of a really big yawn
- Catch a ball accidentally thrown your way by some innocent children playing on the beach
- Tie your hair up
- Bend over for precisely any reason
- That TikTok dance where you go 'do do do' *moves hips with arm in the air*
- Any TikTok dance, for that matter
- Lie down on a towel while you read a book above your head
- Pick up your pets
- Put on deodorant
2. Do you realise how much faith you have put into a very thin strap of fabric?
I refuse to believe this has any structural integrity:
IT IS NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU.