fashion

"What if you have to move your arms?" 6 burning questions about the new underboob bikini trend.

We've come to expect the very worst in 2020, but nobody expected this latest twist.

We, as a species, have figured out how to defy gravity.  

That's the only logical conclusion to draw from a swimsuit we have just discovered on online store Shein, lovingly named a 'Cut-out Halter Triangle Tie Side Bikini Swimsuit' but more accurately summed up as 'A Nip-Slip Waiting To Happen'.

You see, the (alleged) bikini top covers precisely one quarter of a woman's breasts, leaving not only the underboobs but also BOTH sides just kind of... waiting for the inevitable, when the nipple joins them, free, in the big bad world.

It looks like this:

Image: Shein.

That's a lot isn't it?

Not... literally a lot. It's literally a little. But figuratively, it's a lot.

I have stared at this bikini for... too long. In all colours (there's red, baby pink and black too if that... tickles your fancy?), from all angles visible in the photos available on the internet.

And I am perplexed, with questions not limited to how? and also why?

1. What if you have to move your... arms?

Things you could not do in this bikini, an incomplete list:

  • Scratch your nose
  • Do that over head arm stretch thing everyone finds themselves involuntarily doing when they're in the middle of a really big yawn
  • Catch a ball accidentally thrown your way by some innocent children playing on the beach
  • Tie your hair up
  • Bend over for precisely any reason
  • That TikTok dance where you go 'do do do' *moves hips with arm in the air*
  • Any TikTok dance, for that matter
  • Lie down on a towel while you read a book above your head
  • Pick up your pets
  • Put on deodorant 
  • Sneeze
  • Cough
  • Run
  • ...Walk
  • Swim

2. Do you realise how much faith you have put into a very thin strap of fabric?

I refuse to believe this has any structural integrity:

Image: Shein.

 IT IS NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU.

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3. WHY WEAR A BIKINI YOU CANNOT SWIM IN?

Legend has it, a woman once entered the ocean wearing a very secure full body wetsuit and emerged from the surf with both nipples showing.

THE SURF REALLY DOESN'T LIKE WOMEN'S SWIMSUITS.

I don't even think a strong gust of wind would take too kindly to this bikini top, so it is obvious wearing this into the ocean is an objectively terrible idea.

It will see you emerging very dishevelled and naked, with at least one boob over your shoulder. And your bikini would become some poor fish's next meal. :(

It might fare better in a pool, as long as you don't jump in and are okay with sinking to the bottom on account of your inability to move your arms, like even a little bit.

4. Is that really your size?

Come to think of it - how do you calculate the correct size? 

As it represents 1/4 of a normal bra, is it our standard bra size divided by four? Do we plus four for a bit of extra coverage? Do we give much thought to cup size, considering there are no... cups?

Image: Giphy.

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5. How regularly should you be sunscreening the bottom half of your boobs?

Sun safety is critical, and I don't know about you, but the bottoms and sides of my boobs are very rarely... touched by the sun.

The Cancer Council recommend we reapply sunscreen at least every two hours but... I think anyone in this bikini should be reapplying to their chest area... more than... that.

Seriously. You really, really don't want burned boobs.

Considering what will happen if you... sneeze, I guess you'll probably need to sunscreen your nips too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

6. Is it physically possible to remove any more fabric from a bikini design?

At what point do we just decide that having a window for the bottom of our boobs and a piece of floss up our bum is really just the much less comfortable version of being naked? 

At this rate, I'm thinking that by 2022, a bikini top will just be nipple pasties. 

See you, and your underboobs, then, I guess.

Feature image: Shein.

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