'Please stop with your shameless selfies. We know exactly what you're doing'.

Picture this.

Three weeks ago I was sitting on a beautiful beach on a relatively remote island in Malaysia. The air was warm, the crystal-clear water was brimming with Nemo’s dancing in the fluorescent coral and the sky was streaked with the most beautiful pink and gold stains. The sun was setting.

Trying to immerse myself in the beauty that is nature was cut abruptly short, when the couple on the table beside us pulled out a selfie stick.

Considering that the week prior I had overindulged on margaritas and purchased 3 selfie sticks myself, the actual implement didn’t bother me at all. It was the way they went about it.

This very attractive couple began to pose (fine), ask to borrow drinks from neighbouring tables to hold up to each click as if they were theirs (kind of fine) only to then pull out another selfie stick and wander in separate directions to take their own photos of themselves and the sunset (not fine).

I know images on social media aren’t real and photoshop exists, blah blah blah, but shameless selfies are starting to impact my me-time. This is when you should never take one.

Say cheese

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on Jun 23, 2017 at 11:22am PDT

On public transport.

Look, I’ve done a sneak snap of myself on a train (keyword being sneaky) and the contention was to see if my pimple was shrinking, or had hired another mayor for their community. People are stagnant on public transport and we can all see you pose, fish face, delete and repeat. And yep, we saw you change the filters to get rid of your own pimple also.

A stranger can be just a friend you haven’t met yet, taking selfies in front of them is no way to start a friendship train.

At occasions.

I’m pretty over obligations calendar events and hearing about yours, but only seeing you. Christmas, great, show me the image of your drunk uncle, I don’t want to see a rolling eyes, model shoot selfie.

Mother’s Day (AKA annual brunch day) do not give me an ode to your mother, than upload an image of her at brunch with one eye closed and yolk on her chin when the other (at least) 50 percent of the image is your perfect hair, perfect teeth and perfect smile. Your mother must be truly #blessed.

With limited clothes on.

The beach, bedroom selfies (which I like to call super soft porn) or when you are #fitspo in skimpy active wear that is barely designed for activity. We know you’re hot, and clearly you do too. In this circumstance, the former will be destroyed by the latter.

For other people.

Whether it’s birthdays or births, the shameless selfies that appear always show the poster looking magnificent and the birthdayee or infant looking appalling. Just post a photo of them looking appalling, people would enjoy that more.

A post shared by Roxy Jacenko (@roxyjacenko) on Jul 2, 2017 at 5:10pm PDT

In lifts.

I get it, celebrities do it. That doesn’t mean you should too. There’s nothing to actually see in a lift selfie. Your hip is in an awkward position, everyone knows your handbag is fake and the crux of it is – you are standing in one of the world’s most awkward rooms.

There may be a time and a place for selfies to co-exist with me in this world, but I haven’t found it yet. Selfie takers know what they look like and the fact they publicly and shamefully celebrate it is cause for social alarm in itself.

What do you think about selfies? Tell us in the comments below.

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