By ROSIE WATERLAND
When I was a respectable teen definitely not making out with anything that moved, ‘first base’ had a very specific definition:
If there was a tongue in your mouth that was not your tongue, then you had reached first base. Well done.
I personally reached this romantic milestone while on a camping trip. I was sitting next to a mildly attractive boy, when all of a sudden he took his gum out of his mouth and lunged at my face. “So this is first base,” I thought curiously, as each of my molars were prodded repeatedly with his aggressive, desperate tongue.
He awkwardly grabbed my left boob and started a little ‘squeeze and twist’ routine, which, while not entirely unpleasant, did make me relieved that his second hand was otherwise engaged with the gum situation.
The whole thing was… A little gross, to be honest. But at least I had done it. There may have been a lot of random saliva in my mouth, but at least it was done, you know? I could cross one more thing off the list of things that ‘EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD BUT ME!” had done. Like a total trooper, I had finally reached first base.
So imagine how ripped off I felt today, when I read that a study in the US Paediatrics journal has found that kids these days no longer consider tongue-on-tongue contact first base. In fact, you don’t even have to go through the trauma of human-on-human contact at all anymore.
Apparently, according to a lot of info from ‘the kids’ that it took a team of dedicated scientists to decipher, ‘sexting’ is now considered the new first base. At least, kids who engaged in sexting behaviour were far more likely to have actual sex some time in the following 12 months.
So, sexting is officially the new first pash.
You no longer have to trade saliva with a mildly attractive boy on a camping trip to say you’ve reached first base. All you have to do now is send a text.
Now, upon reading this shocking piece of information, all I could immediately think was “How freaking UNFAIR. Kids these days have no idea how hard things were back in my day! If I wanted to hit first base, I had to stick my tongue in someone’s mouth, damn it!”