Until Saturday, June 16, 2018 at 6:49pm, I can honestly say I hadn’t given much thought to what things were like inside a penis.
It simply wasn’t a place I ever thought I’d be.
But then I found myself sitting inside a machine called The Shafter which smelt a little bit like sweat, a little bit like fart, and appropriately, a little bit like penis.
I hadn’t known what it was at first. My boyfriend and I had walked into SEXPO, a first time experience for us both, and seen a simulator sort of like those ones at the Easter Show where it feels as though you’re in an aeroplane or on a roller-coaster.
We lined up because if there’s one thing I know about life, it’s that you should never walk on past a penis and testicles the size of my apartment. We needed to be inside the willy.
It was very hot in there which I suppose explains the sweat smell, but not so much the penis smell. We sat on hard metal seats which I did not know were part of the male anatomy, and noticed that there were pictures to our right and left of pornography.
And then it began. On the screen at the front was full-blown X-rated porn, which we were watching from the point of view of the dude doing the sex. He kept going in and out and then we entered the vagina and no.
That’s when I said probably a little loudly: “Are we seriously inside a dick right now?” and my boyfriend had to say, somewhat remorsefully, “yes… yes we are.”
I saw a cervix which I just wasn’t expecting to be confronted with when I woke up on Saturday morning. The vag was pink and moist and THIS ISN’T HOW SEX WAS EVER MEANT TO BE VIEWED HOW DID THEY EVEN GET A CAMERA UP HERE.
We were being pushed in a thrusting motion and 22-year-old men were making howling noises while their girlfriends thought quietly to themselves: “How did I end up here? I just wanted to watch The Crown tonight with a mint slice or 10 and now I’m a sperm.”
Then we ejaculated and everyone made a silent promise that – no – we shan’t ever be having sex again. We now knew what life looked like from the perspective of a sperm and that changes you.