Until Saturday, June 16, 2018 at 6:49pm, I can honestly say I hadn’t given much thought to what things were like inside a penis.
It simply wasn’t a place I ever thought I’d be.
But then I found myself sitting inside a machine called The Shafter which smelt a little bit like sweat, a little bit like fart, and appropriately, a little bit like penis.
I hadn’t known what it was at first. My boyfriend and I had walked into SEXPO, a first time experience for us both, and seen a simulator sort of like those ones at the Easter Show where it feels as though you’re in an aeroplane or on a roller-coaster.
We lined up because if there’s one thing I know about life, it’s that you should never walk on past a penis and testicles the size of my apartment. We needed to be inside the willy.
It was very hot in there which I suppose explains the sweat smell, but not so much the penis smell. We sat on hard metal seats which I did not know were part of the male anatomy, and noticed that there were pictures to our right and left of pornography.
And then it began. On the screen at the front was full-blown X-rated porn, which we were watching from the point of view of the dude doing the sex. He kept going in and out and then we entered the vagina and no.
That’s when I said probably a little loudly: “Are we seriously inside a dick right now?” and my boyfriend had to say, somewhat remorsefully, “yes… yes we are.”
I saw a cervix which I just wasn’t expecting to be confronted with when I woke up on Saturday morning. The vag was pink and moist and THIS ISN’T HOW SEX WAS EVER MEANT TO BE VIEWED HOW DID THEY EVEN GET A CAMERA UP HERE.
We were being pushed in a thrusting motion and 22-year-old men were making howling noises while their girlfriends thought quietly to themselves: “How did I end up here? I just wanted to watch The Crown tonight with a mint slice or 10 and now I’m a sperm.”
Then we ejaculated and everyone made a silent promise that – no – we shan’t ever be having sex again. We now knew what life looked like from the perspective of a sperm and that changes you.
We exited the penis and made our way over to the discounted butt plugs which is a product I feel you want to buy at full price. We browsed the five foot dildos and cock rings and porn DVDs which I didn't realise people bought anymore.
That's when we saw Pricasso.
A main SEXPO attraction, Pricasso paints couples by dipping the TIP OF HIS WILLY into paint and using it as a brush. I found myself moving to the other side of the attraction so I could properly see his penis in action and what the f*ck had I become.
His willy was blue and painting the eyes of a 30-something year old man.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed, but I also had a... concern.
When you're painting with your willy a lot, doesn't it get blisters? I'm sure it's fine at first when your penis has lots of paint on it, but eventually the paint rubs off, and then you've got a bare penis on a textured canvas. Isn't that... sore? Pricasso?
I decided I didn't need a portrait painted by a penis at the moment, so made my way to the virtual reality porn tent.
There was a line of mostly single men waiting to use the headset, so we joined it. It's an interesting thing watching a man watching porn and pretending like he's just here for the technology. Very interesting.
I was the only woman and soon I learned why.
For the second time tonight, I was looking down at my 'own' dick which I do not at all possess. I was a very toned man with a very big penis, lying on my back while a woman performed things on me and it was one of the most psychologically complicated experiences of my life.
Anywho - we did some more exploring, watched a nice lady do a dance on the stage, and then decided it was probably time for us to go home now.
We left full of questions about Pricasso's blistered penis and the lived experience of a sperm, not at all regretting our decision to bypass the $7.50, heavily discounted butt plugs.