New year, new sex life.
Christmas marks the end of another year, New Year the beginning of a new one. Both are times when couples take stock of relationships – and make some tough decisions.
Like whether or not to leave a sexless marriage: one where couples have sex less than 10 times per year.
Society says it’s women saying no to sex, but in reality, it’s just as likely to be the man turning to face the wall.
Whether to leave or stay in a sexless marriage depends on what else is happening in the relationship, how important sex is to you and whether your partner intends doing something about it.
It also depends on how long you’ve gone without regular sex and if there’s a good reason why. If you’ve just had a child and haven’t had sex for a few months, you’re panicking unnecessarily.
If you’re both young and healthy but you’ve spent four of your five-year marriage reaching into your bedroom drawer, you’re more than justified in feeling peeved.
If it’s because you don’t fancy your partner: Sadly, marriage itself is sometimes to blame for a sorry sex life because women often don’t marry the people we click with sexually.
We’ll happily attach our lips and hips to that the pretty-but-pretty-thick hottie for a five-week flingette but choose long-term lovers for different reasons. Factors like kindness, stability, intelligence and emotional intelligence take precedence.
Which is all terribly sensible but sexual attraction is fundamental: if it’s not there, it’s not there.
The best you can do in this situation is acknowledge it and decide whether you can live with it.
If your partner is a good friend and/or brilliant father, you might consider having little or no sex a fair trade. A rich fantasy life and lots of masturbatory sessions might be enough for you.
You might decide to ‘take a lover’, as they do in some European countries, and have your sexual needs satisfied outside the marriage. Or you might decide it’s more honest to leave and find someone who does it for both ends: heart and groin.
You had great sex in the beginning but now it’s all disappeared? The first thing to examine before packing your bags, is your relationship outside the bedroom.
Sex is often used as a bargaining tool: could be you’re being denied it because your partner is angry with you. (Women, especially, are much more likely to lose interest in sex if they’re annoyed with their partner.)