The very sexy, very NSFW items you should put on your Christmas list this year.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Maybe the more I say the word sex; the more comfortable people will feel about popping something sex related onto their Christmas lists without any accompanying shame or embarrassment.

For sure, the realm of sex and anything sexy is not my forte. I mean, not at all. If someone were to say the words sex toy, my mind would sift through all of my previous (current) stuffed toys before finally landing on a generically vanilla dildo that I probably saw once while watching an episode of Sex and the City.

These are my kind of toys. Image: iStock. 

But I’m definitely open to learning more about sex.

Cue Sexpo. A few days ago, Mamamia sent me to Sexpo in Melbourne and oh my goodness did I encounter some out of this world sights. Sights I assume even Fifty Shades of Grey's Christian Grey would’ve recoiled to at first glance.

Example. I’ll let you guess what exactly this is supposed to be caging. Sorry boys. Image: supplied.

Although I braced myself like never before, I still found myself shocked when my day started to accumulate moments including, but definitely not limited to: A show girl stripping down from a Star Wars costume to absolutely nada right in front of my innocent eyes, naked firefighters cradling me in their muscly, heroic arms, AND trying on a VR porn headset- a diverse array of quite confronting activities, I know.

Amidst the X-rated environment, a few things caught my eye, varying from the sexiest of sex toys, to some tamer potential Christmas gifts.

Christmas is the ultimate treat yo-self holiday, and ladies; the items on this sexy Christmas list are the definition of a treat.

via GIPHY

 

1. A firefighter calendar. THE firefighter calendar, $20.

Bow chicka wow woowwwww. Image: YouTube.

Maybe the aforementioned (romantic?) moment I had with the firefighters’ muscles was what possessed me to include this calendar on the list. Maybe that was their plan all along. Entice the girl that looks completely and utterly out of place with your stereotypically brawny masculinity. Well, it worked.

But regardless of my uncontrollable feelings getting in the way of my work, all the profits made from these $20 calendars are to be kindly donated to charities such as the Children’s Hospital Foundation and RSPCA, so they’re definitely worth buying. *Collective swoon*

Plus, who knows, maybe Fireman Cam will make an exclusive appearance. Maybe as in probably not, but a girl can dream. Put this on your Christmas list to find out, because one can only be 100 per cent sure when it comes to Fireman Cam in a calendar.

Click here for more information.

2. Japanese massage gloves, $130.

Warning: not your average fashion glove. Image: The Pussy Shaver.

If you indeed invented this Japan, I’m impressed. Very impressed.

However, this glove and I had a slightly rocky relationship to begin with.

You see, as the retail assistant first modelled this velvet textured, vibrating glove and reached forward to touch my arm, I immediately flinched. I maybe even squealed a little because I’m an adult-sized baby that is yet to have experienced the touch of a vibrating sex toy posing as a fashion accessory. I felt lied to.

After grappling with this idea of the sexy glove as opposed to the conventional glove, I prepared my fears and my arm for the impending wrath of the Japanese massage glove. We meet again, old friend.

This time round, I was pleasantly surprised. It felt rather soothing and comfortable- not at all as intrusive or jarring as so many other hardcore sex toys seem to be these days.

If you want to ease your way into the crazy world of sex toys, this Japanese massage glove is the answer.

Click here for more information.

3. The “pussy shaver”, $59.

What a lovely name. Image: The Pussy Shaver.

Not like your average shaver, the “pussy shaver” gets so close to the skin without actually touching it, that the uncultivated use of the word “pussy” in its name can be excused. It’s that good.

The only demonstration I was given was on the retail assistant’s arm, but the flawless results made me certain that the “pussy shaver” would work just as effectively on any other part of the body.

Image: supplied.

With an assortment of razors available, this accurate shave will leave your arms, underarms, legs, and as the name suggests, your vagina, feeling like a baby’s bottom... If you so wish.

Click here for more information.

 

4. The Satisfyer Pro 2, aka the “guaranteed orgasm” vibrator, $119.95.

What kind of sorcery is this? Image: Satisfyer Pro.

I'm told there’s a 95 per cent success rate.

Ninety-five. Per cent. SUCCESS RATE. I’m not much of a statistician, but those odds sound pretty ideal.

And get this; the other five per cent of people were not necessarily displeased due to failure on the Satisfyer Pro’s behalf. In fact, this minute number were unsatisfied because they felt the strength of this vibrator exceeded their liking. This “magical” vibrator was either too strong, or an orgasm ensued every time. And 95 per cent of the time, it was the latter.

Click here for more information.

So I guess all that's left to say is - Merry Christmas, ladies. Enjoy and, you're very welcome.

Image: iStock.

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