We begin with a woman sexy dancing in a nightclub.
A handsome man - who she refers to as 'boyfriend' in case the viewer was confused (they were) - takes her by the hand and leads her to what can only be described as an objectively public area. They start kissing passionately, and in the space of a few moments he has exposed both her vagina and her breasts to the club's patrons.
But, in a twist that has never been used before in television, it turns out it was just a dream.
In the current day, the woman, whose name is Billie, is the mum of a newborn (I don't believe we ever learn her name??) and a toddler named Hudson. Her life looks something like this:
HOW DO U LIVE WITH SUCH CLUTTER. Image: Netflix.
Hi, quick question. Image: Netflix.
Mothers of newborns are always having backyard picnics in their clean, white dresses. Image: Netflix. We learn that Billie has a husband, Cooper, who looks like a wax figure, and does a job that involves using the word 'merger' a lot.
But more importantly, Billie is horny. She's thinking a lot about her sex life pre-marriage and babies, and when she and Cooper do try to have sex, he gets distracted by the TV. Or her vibrator runs out of battery. Or her baby cries.
She calls her best friend Sasha (who's obviously out at a club) to casually explain that she's unfulfilled by her life and misses her ex boyfriend, Brad.
At this point I'd like to pause and point out that we later learn Sasha is a successful academic, and it's never resolved why she spends so much time at the club.
'I don't go anywhere else. I work and I go straight to the club.' Image: Netflix.
But I digress.
Because Billie is writing a journal, and it's terrible.
Do they? Image: Netflix.
We learn that the uncomfortable voiceover that's been plaguing the first half of this episode is actually Billie's journal, and yes she'll be writing about the first time she had sex with Brad.
It all started at the club (obviously) with her friend Sasha, who decided to give a man she liked a blowjob. In a publicly accessible room. Where her friend could walk in. And... see.
When Billie walks into said room, Sasha continues to talk to her while still giving the blowjob.
Just in case it wasn't clear: no woman has ever had a conversation with her friend with a d*ck in her mouth. Ever.
But Sasha is a good friend, so she's organised for a complete stranger to give Billie a lift home.
That stranger is, of course, Brad. AKA Australian actor Adam Demos. AKA monster c*ck.
After speaking approximately 16 words to each other, Brad invites Billie to come to his place for a drink, and he somehow happens to own the most expensive property to ever exist in New York City.
The real estate in this shot alone is worth one trillion dollars. Image: Netflix.
They go to the rooftop, and Billie starts taking her clothes off and pause.
I don't mean to be rude but lady, you seem to be mistaken. This is not his private rooftop. This is most definitely shared. And now you're all naked and having sex in a communal pool.
Oh goodness.
Billie's husband has found her dirty diary, mostly because it was open on an unlocked laptop on the kitchen bench, and he is pissed.
So pissed that he has very rough sex with her and all of us - including Billie - have no idea how we're meant to feel about it.
Poor Hudson. Image: Netflix.
In a strange twist, Billie then goes to visit Sasha's apartment in the city and BAM there's Brad, because turns out Sasha has been sleeping with him??
Billie isn't sufficiently angry enough at anyone in the situation, and it gets resolved far too quickly. Probably because the writers know they have a particular scene in episode three, 19 minutes and 40 seconds in, that they need to get to - pronto.
In the meantime, Cooper takes Billie out for a romantic evening and then sneaks into a stranger's pool to have sex. Of course, the person who owns the home happens to be there and calls the police and there's a very dramatic police chase that has no place in this genre of television.
For reasons that are unclear, Billie continues to write in her dirty journal. Cooper reads it again except this time he masturbates to it which is honestly very confusing.
But I have no more time for the storyline because it's here.
Cooper decides to go to Brad's place of work, and ends up following him from there to the gym, and yeah, they end up naked, showering opposite each other.
There are no words so I will explain with images.
*Silence* Image: Netflix.
N/A. Image: Netflix.
It makes sense now. Image: Netflix.
Where do you... where does a show... how do you move on from this?
I guess with another horror show happening at Hudson's preschool. Hudson's teacher demands that Billie stay in the classroom all day, which is actually pretty f*cked up. How... boring. Let the woman cheat on her husband eugh.
It does, however, give Billie a lot of time to daydream about Brad and how he was lowkey a 'lil bit emotionally abusive. It gradually becomes clear that Brad's father left and that somehow gives him license to be a terrible person.
In a flashback, he breaks up with Billie but then explains that it's because of his dad, but hold on a second.
SHE'S STILL WRITING HER JOURNAL IN A GOOGLE DOC ON A NON PASSWORD PROTECTED COMPUTER.
I say this with love. But getafknpassword. Image: Netflix.
Honestly, write your dirty sex stories. That's fine. But use a password like a normal person???
Oh.
Um.
So things have escalated and now Billie's watching Brad have sex with Sasha. Live.
You see, Brad called Billie from Sasha's house and then put her on FaceTime, before proceeding to have sex with Sasha and why is Billie masturbating to this.
Make. It. Stop. Image: Netflix.
Luckily, when Billie tells Sasha about it, she's... fine. Which is entirely realistic and believable.
Meanwhile, the other mums from Hudson's class want Billie to hang out with them, so they invite her on an outing to the city. Billie's newborn baby hasn't made a peep since halfway through episode one so obviously she just brings her along in a (really, really large) pram. She suddenly confesses in the middle of the street that she still thinks about her ex-boyfriend a lot and that's a weird thing to do in front of a group of women you're not very close with but okay.
More urgently, however, Cooper won't go to work. He's missed several important meetings and it's honestly getting stressful. Thankfully, his hot boss Francesca doesn't mind, and yes we're fairly certain they'll end up having an affair.
'We don't know each other very well. But I want to be wife #2.' Image: Netflix.
Let's take a brief intermission to acknowledge some general observations:
1. How are we meant to believe that Billie is so patient and nice to her kids when she’s so horny? My mum snapped at me for far less.
2. Is there a possibility that she's simply just not that into her husband? Which would be fine?
3. It's unclear why Billie and Sasha dress in what looks like 80s fashion in all the flashbacks, when according to my calculations they took place in... 2014.
???? Image: Netflix.
4. Wtf is coital alignment.
Moving on.
Billie has had the worst idea since the invention of COVID.
Her husband thinks she's still in love with Brad (because she is), so she convinces Sasha to pretend to be dating Brad and suggests they go out on a double date.
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. IT SERVES NO ONE. NO ONE WANTS TO BE HERE EXCEPT BILLIE BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY WANTS TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH BRAD BUT DO THAT IN YOUR OWN TIME.
The dinner is horrible and ends with Billie and Brad locked in a bathroom together, while Cooper comes to the very obvious conclusion that Sasha and Brad are not, and have never been, dating.
Having been abandoned by her husband ever since she lied about everything/fell back in love with her ex boyfriend, Billie gets a lift home from Brad, who asks if he can meet her children.
Billie. Your toddler is definitely going to tell his Dad there was a stranger in the house.
'Sometimes it feels like he's stalking me.' Image: Netflix.
But in the city, Cooper is being a bit of a dirty dog himself. He gets in a taxi to go home with his boss and doesn't come home, which is probably for the best given that Brad was there, staring at his children.
The next day we learn Cooper didn't sleep with Francesca, but in some of the best dialogue of the season, she tells him:
"I've had to learn the hard way that when a great guy like you gets divorced, they get snatched up real fast. And I don't want to miss my shot."
"I'd kick myself if I didn't take the chance to let you know... I'm an option." Image: Netflix.
In a flashback, we learn that Brad and Billie played a fun game where they flirted with other people and then had sex. In stairwells, for example.
My question, however, is what do those few moments after sex in a stairwell look like? Are you panting? And tired? And covered in bodily fluids that you'll have to go home... in? Do you then just pull your pants up and waddle home? No one talks about the moments after the passionate public sex because I bet they're horrible.
In the current day, Billie has gone to meet Brad because when he locked her in a bathroom at dinner, he said he had something to tell her.
Of course, the question is: couldn't he have told her on the way home, given that he gave her a lift? Or in her home, while he stared at her children?
No. It needed to be a separate occasion.
'This gives me more of a chance to cheat. Properly.' Image: Netflix.
Brad explains that he met his father and it went really well, and I would never want to be rude but no one cares.
You are the worst and your relationship with your father has nothing to do with it.
You see, in sexy-journal-flashback-land, Billie is pregnant. And as that parallel storyline unfolds, we learn that a) Brad initially said he didn't want the baby, then sent her a list with baby names on it (confusing), and b) when she lost the baby, he cheated on her at her cousin's wedding.
Cool.
'It's one of my strengths.' Image: Netflix.
Their relationship ends when Billie tells him he has to go and meet his father, but instead Brad returns and tells her to get out of his apartment.
Lovely.
But stop everything because another couple - Trina and Devon - have invited Billie and Cooper to a sex party.
Cooper seems to like it very much, and so does Billie, until they start having sex in front of other people.
Dw dw I'll humiliate u. Image: Netflix.
Billie decides she doesn't feel comfortable, and Cooper keeps pushing, leading to an awkward fight made more embarrassing by the fact they're both partially naked.
Luckily, their trusty friend Trina pops up and tells Billie to trust her.
She then gives Cooper a blowjob in front of his wife and what the f*ck am I watching.
There's a punch up between Cooper and Devon but honestly I can't anymore. This show is so bad and the storyline is appalling.
That night, Brad comes to Billie's house and PROPOSES TO HER IN THE FRONT YARD. WHERE HER HUSBAND CAN SEE HER.
He can see you through his literal bedroom windows. Image: Netflix.
But that's not the most disturbing part. Because...
It's hideous. Image: Netflix.
Billie says no, and in the final episode we see her go back to work and apparently accept that she's very lucky with her kind husband, huge house, two children, best friend who now doesn't spend all her time at the club because she's engaged, etc etc.
UNTIL.
In one of the final scenes of the series, Billie and Cooper go to watch their son Hudson in his school play. But the play looks terrible. Like all school plays.
And Billie realises.
She should've chosen the monster c*ck.
So after the play, she somehow bolts into New York City and knocks on Brad's door, demanding sex pls.
But Cooper now has software on his phone that tracks her whereabouts. So he knows.
And that, my friends, is how you write the very worst TV show no one can stop talking about.
For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram where she recapped Sex/Life in real time.
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