I can’t believe I’m writing about the sex horror story that has plagued my partner and I for months, but here I am.
The month was September, my nostrils scratchy, and the pollen count high when this nightmare took place. You see, my boyfriend Adam and I were in the shower together, enjoying some “intimate time” on a holiday to celebrate our first anniversary.
To truly paint the picture, I was facing the tiles while, uh, Adam was behind me. (And I’m sorry, but any other way shower sex is depicted in television or movies is both an occupational health and safety hazard and a lie – you simply cannot have shower sex unless it’s from behind. It is the only way.)
We were both in the shower, and about to climax, when I was shocked to have an explosive, involuntary response to our sexy time: I sneezed.
But it wasn’t your ordinary sneeze. Oh no, it was a hypercharged sneeze.
I sneezed with such force, with such gusto, Adam’s penis shot out of me with the velocity of a race car. As I did, my head reflexively moved forward, banging into the very wet, very hard shower tiles. Adam fell backwards, forcing the glass shower door open as he did, and falling flat on his (slightly hairy) bum.
While I thought the situation was hilarious, and held my throbbing forehead as I curled over into a fit of giggles, Adam rolled around on the floor moaning, blinking back tears.
“Your sneeze nearly broke my dick,” he told me through winces. “Oh my f**cking god it hurts so much.”
He wasn’t kidding. Apparently, when I sneezed, it felt like a “clamp shutting down” on my poor boyfriend’s penis, forcing it down and out of me quick smart. (Which honestly explains the whole ‘sneezing on your period’ thing…)
We couldn’t have sex for a week, while my boyfriend walked around with clenched teeth and a slightly bruised sense of trust.
The next time we had sex, he looked terrified, and made sure I’d popped an antihistamine tablet just to make sure.
Now, when I’m sniffly, I ensure I get my sneezes out before we “do it”.
And that, friends, is my sex horror story.