We all know you’re secretly reading this with your brightness dimmed and screens turned away.
As much as we would all love to be reading something “intelligent”, the Kardashians can’t help getting the better of us on some rare occasions.
Particularly this one.
In a scandalous new book, Kardashian Dynasty, Ian Halperin has delved deep into the Kardashian/Jenner world revealing all the things the Kardashians have never quite told us.
Halperin is well-known for writing other unauthorised biographies on celebrities, such as Kurt Cobain and Whitney Houston. In early 2009, he became a laughing stock for predicting the death of pop star, Michael Jackson.
It was on June 25 he was proven right.
To really explore the Kardashian Dynsasty, Halperin went undercover as a porn distributor (who doesn’t want to know how that infamous sex tape came about) and watched all of the Keeping Up With The Kardashians episode, to date.
In an interview, Halperin said, “After a while, I could feel my brain cells dying. My mind turned to must.”
If you need to quickly update yourself on the latest feud in the Kardashian family, we’ve got you covered. (Post continues after video.)
But, enough of how exactly he found these snippets of gossip. These are the 13 most important things you should know from the book (just in case you don’t actually read it):
1. The entire Kardashian clan comes from garbage bag collectors.
Oh, yes. You already think it’s a lie but it’s not. In the 1910s, Robert Kardashian’s grandfather opened a “small garbage-collection” business. It didn’t climb him to the top, but did make him a “small fortune.
Let’s just say we all have humble beginnings.
2. The very first time Kris Jenner met her late husband she was wearing a necklace that read, “OH SHIT”.
Enough said, really.
3. So much about OJ Simpson.
What’s particularly interesting is that OJ was the groomsmen at Kris Jenner’s marriage to Robert.
Another fun fact, the driver of the white bronco in the now well-known chase, A.C. Cowlings, was the ring bearer.
Every family does have their connections.
Robert Kardashian (middle) with OJ Simpson during the trial. Image via Getty.
4. Kim lost her virginity to a relative of Michael Jackson.
Yep, not made up either. It all occurred while Kim was away on holiday at the Jackson's Neverland Ranch with her boyfriend, Tito Joe Jackson (son of Jackson's older brother, Tito).
It was celebrating Kim's 14th birthday and according to the biography, Kris Jenner was completely down with it. In fact, she helped put Kim on birth control.
5. Kim was never just a pretty face. From a very young age she was very business-savvy.
As a teenager, Kim set up an eBay account and sold all her pieces of clothing she wasn't going to wear again. The business became so popular she offered to do the same for her friends and took a certain amount of profits from their sales.
From that, she then borrowed some money from her father and bought five pairs of Manola Blahnik shoes.
Teen Kim predicted they were going to be trendy in the future, and boy was she right. Eventually, she sold them for a 350 per cent profit.
6. Paris Hilton was all part of the master plan.
When the Kardashians were coming to fame, Paris Hilton was still top dog. Literally, she even had that little dog:
Back in 2003 when it was raining Paris. Image via Getty.
After making her sex tape (and, yes, Kris Jenner was completely complicit in that) Kim started her own business organising the closets of celebrities.
Paris Hilton became one of her clients and from there, Kim and her became a little clique. Kim gained fame from being associated with Paris, and even though the Paris' brand died down, Kim had her chance and ran with it.
Just for the whole fun of it, you seriously need to look at Paris and Kim when they were friends. (Post continues after gallery.)
7. Kim had a very low standard of publicity. Once.
A picture says a thousand words but you know she was desperate for some flashing cameras when Kim agreed to officially open a public restroom. With two giant stuffed bears.
Oh, Kim. I can't help but love you. Image via Getty.
8. Surprise! Oh wait, no. Her proposal was staged.
Remember those 72 glorious days when Kim was engaged to Chris Humpries?
Well, even the proposal was kind of fake with the author alleging they had to re-shoot the proposal because it didn't quite hit the mark for Kimmy K.
Executive producer of KUWTK, Russel Jay said, "She came in and she was completely surprised, and I think she had a bad reaction or something and she was embarrassed. So she said can we just, like, have me come back in one more time and be, like, really surprised."
9. Caitlyn Jenner starred in a terrible movie. Like, really terrible.
It was called You Can't Stop The Music and the film won the Razzie for the worst picture. That's a new low.
10. Kim can only cry on demand with a "tear stick".
We didn't even know what a tear stick was or how it worked, but she needs one to really get a meltdown like this:
11. And no, the episodes aren't "spontaneous".
Much like Kim's proposal, the episodes are often shot over and over again just to get the right amount of "reality".
Halperin published in Life & Style, "There is a rough outline of the premise produced in advance — including a 'main plot and subplot' — with ideas sometimes contributed by Kris Jenner, sometimes by other family members, and other times by the producers."
"Then the cameras are turned on, the family performs, some scenes are reshot, and hours of footage are condensed in the editing room to produce each show."
12. Kanye was all about the brand.
When Halperin was asked by Broadly about Kanye's role in saving the Kardashian family, who categorically confirmed he was there to reform their image.
"They profited off of the marriage, all kinds of endorsement deals," Halperin said.
Image via Getty.
"They huddled in a board room and said, "We need to turn this around because the brand is about to sink and we might even get taken off the air."
They decided Kim had to find a new man ASAP, and she did and spearheaded the Kanye-Kardashian revolution and created the prototype of Kimye, which became an entertainment empire.
"We all know [Kanye West's] a big fashionista. He's Kanye, so to give it another level, he saved the Kardashians. There's no doubt about it. His influence on them really solidified them as an American dynasty."
13. But Kim is actually a nice person.
Despite all the rumours that fly around about Kim, Halperin actually said she was really easy to work with.
"Unlike a lot of the Kardashians, she doesn't show up late. She doesn't put on this triumphant face. She's very humble; she works hard," he told Broadly.
And, there you have it, friends.
Everything you need to know, but shouldn't.
You can purchase the "Kardashian Dynasty" here.