As far as we’re aware, there’s no magical elixir known to mankind that will ensure a long, healthy life.
Until that day comes, all we have to rely on is the advice from mere mortals who manage to blow out more birthday candles than the rest of us ever will.
What are their secrets? Have they struck some kind of Dorian Gray bargain? Or does a long life really come down to a kale-heavy diet, swearing off alcohol and getting eight hours of sleep every single night?
Don’t worry — apparently it’s not nearly as boring as that. Here are the “secrets” to a long, awesome life according to nine people who’ve done it themselves. (NB: This advice is not endorsed by The Glow or, we assume, any trained health professional. Proceed with caution.)
1. Eat bacon
Bacon‘s reputation has taken a hit in recent months, what with the World Health Organisation’s warnings about processed meats and cancer risk last year. However, 116-year-old Susannah Mushatt Jones will happily eat bacon “all day long”, as her niece Lois Judge told Page Six.
Clearly, her rasher enthusiasm hasn’t done her lifespan any harm.
2. Choose porridge over men.
Don't like bacon? No problem — there's another brekky meal that's been given the seal of approval from one of the world's eldest.
Earlier last year Scottish woman Jessie Gallan celebrated her 109th birthday, though she sadly died a few months later. Gallan credited her long life to three things: "I made sure that I got plenty of exercise, eat a nice warm bowl of porridge every morning and have never gotten married."
That's it. We're deleting Tinder.
Watch: If you don't want to avoid men, here are some tips for dating in your 40s and above. (Post continues after video.)
3. Be kind
In 2014, 116-year-old Gertrude Weaver was named the oldest-living American. Her "secret" has less to do with diet and more to do with kindness.
"Treat people right and be nice to other people the way you want them to be nice to you,” she told Time. Even if it doesn't make you live longer, striving to be a little kinder never hurts.
4. Eat chocolate and laugh
Here's one that will make the chocolate obsessives of the world very happy.
French woman Jeanne Calment lived to the ripe age of 122, and she loved her vices. According to the New York Times, Calment ate just under a kilo of chocolate per week, loved port wine and started smoking at age 21, only quitting five years before her death.
She also credited her sense of humour; CNN reported she predicted she would "die laughing." What a way to go out.
5. Raw eggs
Last year, 115-year-old Emma Morano — the oldest woman in Europe — explained she'd eaten three raw eggs every day since she was a teenager. Her doctor had prescribed them as a measure to combat anaemia.
"Assuming she has been true to her word, Ms. Morano would have consumed around 100,000 eggs in her lifetime, give or take a thousand, cholesterol be damned," the New York Times added. We might stick to poached eggs, thanks. (Post continues after gallery.)
6. A daily drink
We're always being encouraged to cut down on alcohol, but Mark Behrends swears a can of beer a day — "whatever kind was around" — has been the secret to his longevity. This is coming from a man who celebrated his 110th birthday last year, so we're listening.
“He always joked that that was his medicine since he takes very little medicine," Behrends' daughter told the Omaha World-Herald.
He's not the only one. On her 105th birthday, Agnes Fenton told reporters she'd enjoyed "three beers and a shot of scotch" every day for almost seven decades. Just to be clear, we're not saying you should do the same.
7. Don't overdo it
OK, so some of the world's eldest people have been a bit more careful about their lifestyle choices. Japan's Yasutaro Koide died two months shy of his 113th birthday, and according to reports he believed it came down to abstaining from drinking and smoking, and not "overdoing it."
In other words, everything in moderation, right?
8. Eat "delicious things"
Last year, Misao Okawa — the world's oldest woman at the time — died just after her 117th birthday. Her secret is one we're fully on board with.
“Eating delicious things is a key to my longevity,” she told The Japan Times. These delicious things included sushi, hashed beef with rice, and ramen noodles with beef stew. This lady clearly knew how to live.
9. Just do it
Earlier this month, Flossey Dickey turned 110 — and she had absolutely no time for the reporter who quizzed her on why she thought she'd lived so long.
"I don't know. I don't fight it. I live it," she responded. Fair enough. That said, Dickey's family mentioned that her favourite way to spend time was "to sit down and have some whisky, straight up," so maybe that's the real clue.
What's one thing you won't give up?