School photos. Ugh.
Despite the fact that every parent in 2018 carries a pretty damn great quality camera around with them 24/7, snapping approximately seven billion photos of our beautiful offspring every day, when official school portrait time comes around, we still feel obliged to pay an insane ransom (where you’re basically forced by the price list to pick the most expensive option to get “value for money”) to get 30 of the exact same print.
I think it partly boils down to the fact that our parents always bought our school portraits and class photos as mementos of our school years so we feel obliged to do the same (even though we have more photos of our kids than any previous generation), and partly due to FOMO. What if it’s a really good photo and we miss out?
As usual, this year I begrudgingly ordered the photos – class photos, portraits, and a sibling shot – with plenty of extras for the grandparents, aunties and uncles. Aside from being annoyed by the cost ($130 for the two that are at school!), I was a bit nervous because there was no option to view the proofs before purchasing, as there has been in previous years.
Almost four months on, I had completely forgotten about the photos when they turned up. And… that’s not my child. I mean, it is my child, but he’s been so aggressively Photoshopped that he looks like the love child of Lord Voldemort and a lady from an early 90s glamour shot, not the little boy I see every day.
In fact, I haven’t seen this level of airbrushing since Melania Trump’s official White House portrait.
Here is the photo, compared with my unfiltered son.
He has a light and extremely cute smattering of freckles across his nose. HE HAS A NOSE. This is important. It isn’t just two nostrils in the middle of his face. He also has a chin.