This article is an edited version of one that originally appeared on Hannah Johnson's Substack . Sign up here.

"Scheduling sex sounds so boring."

"It kills the romance."

"Scheduling it just creates more pressure."

"It makes it feel like a chore."

I've heard every version of this when I tell people that my husband and I have had scheduled intimacy twice per week for almost four years.

And I get it.

The idea of putting intimacy on a calendar feels like the opposite of everything we've been sold in Disney movies, reality TV and romantic books about what passion and desire are supposed to look like.

Watch: How to bring fun back into the bedroom. Post continues below.

0 0

How to bring fun back into the bedroom | Well

We want the spontaneous splayed-out-on-the-kitchen-table sex. The can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other energy. The "I have to have you right now" sex that just happens because you're so into each other that nothing could stop you.

And if that's your reality consistently, in a long-term relationship, with kids and jobs and stress and all the things competing for your attention… that's amazing for you!

But that's just not how reality works for me or the thousands of women that I've worked with (and that doesn't mean we're doing something wrong).

My husband and I have scheduled intimacy twice a week for years. And I want to tell you the honest pros and cons because I personally think our reality is better than any romance novel.

What people mean when they say they want spontaneous sex.

Here's something I've noticed.

When people tell me they want sex to be "spontaneous," what they actually want is sex that feels alive and fun and exciting!

You want to know how to get that? Have quality sex!

And guess what… the more intentional you are about your sex life, the more quality, fun, alive, exciting sex you get to have.

When you schedule intimacy, you can create more of that aliveness because you have planned time and space to be intentional. You can actually think about what you want. And you can show up with presence on purpose.

The honest pros.

We feel consistently connected. Because we are always building the momentum of connection between us. We're always making deposits into our love bank account.

When we show up for scheduled intimacy, we signal to each other that our sex life matters to our relationship. That sex and our intimate connection isn't the thing that gets dropped when life gets busy. Putting it on the calendar is an act of respect for our relationship. It is a sacred time to us because we know how much more connected we feel when our sex life is working.

Scheduling intimacy means that the sex we have is even more fun. We create experiences like "king and queen" night and pamper each other. We show up to the time knowing that it's special for us. We try new things because we have the time set aside to do it.

Another pro of scheduling is that it removes the initiation dynamic. Nobody is chasing, and nobody is bracing. The time is already set for us and there's no imbalance in who is initiating sex. This is super important because my husband does want more frequent sex than I do.

Being the responsive desire partner, scheduling intimacy is super important for me because I have time to warm myself up. Knowing our intimacy time is coming means I can start thinking about it earlier in the day. I can get my head into it and intentionally do the things that turn me on so I can arrive ready into the space and be open to sex.

It removes the initiation dynamic. Nobody is chasing, and nobody is bracing. Image: Canva.

The honest cons.

I'll be real with you. There are Tuesday nights when I'm tired, and I'd rather just watch something on Netflix and go to sleep. The resistance is real!!

But here's what I've learned about that resistance. It's the same resistance I feel about going to the gym and meditating and doing the things that I know are good for me and that I'm always glad I did afterward.

Resistance isn't a signal that you shouldn't do something. It's just resistance.

What I never do is force myself through something that genuinely doesn't feel okay. That's not what I'm saying. We have an intimacy menu so that I have lots of options to choose from when I show up with resistance.

I have a way I can connect to my husband regardless of my mood. I can always find a yes to something, even when I can't find a yes to everything.

The other honest con is that it can start to feel routine if you let it. Same time, same place, same thing. Which is why creating an intimacy menu and making the commitment to keep trying new things and exploring matter so much.

The attitude that you show up to it with is what makes all the difference.

What makes it actually work?

Schedule the time, but don't schedule "sex."

It's like making a reservation at a restaurant. You know you're gonna show up and have dinner. But you're not sure how hungry you'll be or what you'll be in the mood for. When you arrive, choose from your menu of options based on how much energy you have and what feels good for you that day.

You're not scheduling penetration!! You're scheduling physical intimacy. It's about connection and presence with each other. What that looks like on any given night gets to be whatever it is.

So again, my recommendation is to build an intimacy menu. Just write down all the things that make you feel connected to each other sexually, sensually, physically, romantically, intimately and use that as a reference.

Don't skip it because you're not in the mood. Show up anyway and find the smallest yes on your menu. Because showing up even in a small way keeps the momentum positive. It keeps the signal alive that this matters to you and to your relationship.

The last major tip is to treat the time with reverence. This is protected time for your relationship and showing up to it really matters.

Listen: In this episode of Well, Dr Mariam sits down with sexologist Chantelle Otten to unpack sex, intimacy and why so many of us struggle to talk openly about what's happening in the bedroom…Post continues below.

What will you choose?

Most people are waiting for the right conditions to just naturally produce a great sex life. But great sex doesn't just happen because of compatibility or chemistry.

It happens because you choose it and invest in it. Over and over and over and over.

Scheduling intimacy is the infrastructure that keeps romance alive through all the seasons of life.

My relationship is more connected because of it. I have a passionate sex life where I never have to wonder if our spark will fade.

Because I'm in control of creating the spark.

If you want help building your intimacy rituals and your intimacy menu, and you want to intentionally build a sex life that works for you, that's exactly what we help women with inside The 90-Day Intimacy Accelerator.

Because a great sex life doesn't happen by accident.

And you deserve a great sex life.

Learn more about Hannah's 90-Day Intimacy Accelerator here .

This article is an edited version of one that originally appeared on Hannah Johnson's Substack . Sign up here.

Feature Image: Supplied.