I know you’re going to find
this hard to believe – I’m still struggling with it – but 54% of men do
not want to have sex with you.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. If you really insist, they may
agree to sleep with you but purely as a one-night thing, OK? Any kind
of relationship is out of the question and you need to know that before
you get your gear off. In case you’re expecting, you know, brunch the
One other thing I should clarify. All these men who don’t want to date
you? They’re British. Aussie blokes are a different story but we’ll get
to that shortly.
While you dry your eyes and wonder where it all went wrong for you, allow me to explain your shortcomings. You see, a UK online dating site called, imaginatively, ukdating.com recently asked 66,000 British men about their ideal female partner. And you know Scarlett, for a minute there you were looking like a pretty good chance for love with a lonely Pom.
Most men ranked “blue eyes” as the most important attribute and that’s fair enough because eye colour is hugely crucial in deciding who one falls in love with, don’t you think? I don’t know about you Scarlett but I’ve often rejected potential soul mates because their eyes were the wrong colour. Wrongity, wrong, wrong.
Now, I’ve spent some time on Google images to determine your eye colour Scarlett, and while I can’t be 100 percent certain, I’m fairly sure they’re brown. But don’t despair! At least not yet. Because there are always contact lenses. Paris Hilton has brown eyes but wears blue contacts and look where it’s got her! You may be a critically acclaimed actress but she has lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boyfriends and also a sex tape. So there’s hope.
Anyway, once we’ve fixed your eyes, we’re on safer ground because the second most important attribute for single British men is “long blonde hair”. Tick! You have that! Isn’t this great news! I knew you’d be pleased.
Now the third thing on the “ideal” list had me a bit puzzled because it’s “occasionally wears glasses”. At first I thought ‘Excellent! Glasses! We’re straying from the stereotype!” But then I began to wonder. Who knew men found them so sexy? Did I waste my money having laser surgery to correct my vision? Did I?
So I checked with the nearest man. ‘What does ‘occasional glasses’ mean?” “Oh that’s obvious,” he shrugged, as if it was. “It’s that old fantasy of the mousy woman taking off her glasses and unclipping her long hair before she has wild sex with you.”
Oh. I see.
Well Scarlett, you’re an actress. You can fake that. Since you’ll already be wearing blue contact lenses, some fake glasses to wear ‘occasionally’ before sex shouldn’t be a problem. Next!