Scarlett Johansson, I have alarming news.

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I know you’re going to find
this hard to believe – I’m still struggling with it – but 54% of men do
not want to have sex with you.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. If you really insist, they may
agree to sleep with you but purely as a one-night thing, OK? Any kind
of relationship is out of the question and you need to know that before
you get your gear off. In case you’re expecting, you know, brunch the
next day.

One other thing I should clarify. All these men who don’t want to date
you? They’re British. Aussie blokes are a different story but we’ll get
to that shortly.

While you dry your eyes and wonder where it all went wrong for you, allow me to explain your shortcomings. You see, a UK online dating site called, imaginatively, ukdating.com recently asked 66,000 British men about their ideal female partner. And you know Scarlett, for a minute there you were looking like a pretty good chance for love with a lonely Pom.

Most men ranked “blue eyes” as the most important attribute and that’s fair enough because eye colour is hugely crucial in deciding who one falls in love with, don’t you think? I don’t know about you Scarlett but I’ve often rejected potential soul mates because their eyes were the wrong colour. Wrongity, wrong, wrong.

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Now, I’ve spent some time on Google images to determine your eye colour Scarlett, and while I can’t be 100 percent certain, I’m fairly sure they’re brown. But don’t despair! At least not yet. Because there are always contact lenses. Paris Hilton has brown eyes but wears blue contacts and look where it’s got her! You may be a critically acclaimed actress but she has lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of boyfriends and also a sex tape. So there’s hope.

Anyway, once we’ve fixed your eyes, we’re on safer ground because the second most important attribute for single British men is “long blonde hair”. Tick! You have that! Isn’t this great news! I knew you’d be pleased.

Now the third thing on the “ideal” list had me a bit puzzled because it’s “occasionally wears glasses”. At first I thought ‘Excellent! Glasses! We’re straying from the stereotype!” But then I began to wonder. Who knew men found them so sexy? Did I waste my money having laser surgery to correct my vision? Did I?
So I checked with the nearest man. ‘What does ‘occasional glasses’ mean?” “Oh that’s obvious,” he shrugged, as if it was. “It’s that old fantasy of the mousy woman taking off her glasses and unclipping her long hair before she has wild sex with you.”
Oh. I see.
Well Scarlett, you’re an actress. You can fake that. Since you’ll already be wearing blue contact lenses, some fake glasses to wear ‘occasionally’ before sex shouldn’t be a problem. Next!

Sadly, here is where things come irretrievably unstuck for you. I’m afraid that the majority of men surveyed said they would not date anyone who earned a lot of money. Certainly not more than them. Their ideal profession for a woman would be in nursing or PR with a salary between 10,000 and 25,000 pounds a year.

So Scarlett? That rules you out, babe. Conclusively. Not having access to your bank records and not being able to find details of your annual income on Wikipedia, I’m going to have to take a wild guess here and presume you’d earn more than that in a few hours.

Oh don’t cry. I know it’s a cruel blow. Not only are your eyes the wrong colour but also you’re spectacularly beautiful, talented and rich. No wonder you’re on the relationship scrap heap. Damn those single English men and their impossibly high standards.

So here’s what I’m suggesting: come to Australia. In this wide brown land, our men don’t discriminate. I took it upon myself to do a quick survey of at least eight guys who all said they’d be happy to have sex with you repeatedly, move in with you almost straight away and then almost certainly introduce you to their mother. And some of them are already married which just goes to show how willing Aussie guys are to overlook superficial things like your dud eyes and your enormous bank account.

In fact I couldn’t find a single man – even the English ones who live here – who would be threatened by your richness. I think this proves that men living in Australia are far more secure in their masculinity than those in Britain.

And Scarlett, I know this from experience. When I was in my early twenties, I went out with several guys who were very, very secure. They weren’t bothered in any way by the discrepancy between their income and mine. Not that mine was huge, I was just starting out in journalism and my salary was modest. But there was still a sizable gap between “modest” and “nothing”.

If they did feel insecure about the fact they were unemployed while I went out to work every day and paid for everything, they bravely hid this insecurity behind a cloud of marijuana smoke while playing Nintendo with their friends on my couch. These were the sounds, sights and smells that would greet me as I staggered through the door at 7:30pm with takeaway in one hand and three bags of groceries in the other. The sounds, sights and smells of masculine confidence.
So you see Scarlett? Australia is where it’s at. Our men are deep enough to see beyond eye colour and money. In fact, I reckon you’d have a sizeable crowd of secure men to greet you at the airport. And a ticker tape parade. Just don’t forget your fake glasses.

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