ASK THE GROUP CHAT: 'I want to back out of being a bridesmaid. Is it too late?'

Ask The Group Chat is Mamamia's advice series about relationships, money, culture and everything in between where we help you solve your life dilemma with our (helpful but not entirely professional) suggestions. Welcome to the chaos. 

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Dear MM group chat,

A year ago, my work friend asked me to be her bridesmaid and I happily agreed. But since then, I got a new job and life has been busy, so we've barely caught up and have really only spoken over text. Now she's reached out about planning her hen's party and the more I hear about this wedding, the more expensive I've realised it's going to be.

I just don't want to fork out huge dollars and the effort of planning for someone I'm not even that close with now.

Is it too late for me to back out?

From, Bridesmaid Down.

Dear Bridesmaid Down,

Every woman has experienced the phenomenon I like to call 'wedding woes' syndrome. Now you might assume that wedding woes syndrome has something to do with the people that are actually getting married… well no.

This syndrome is explicitly reserved for bridesmaids-to-be.

Being a bridesmaid is not easy. You're in planning mode for months, sometimes years, you're organising multiple events, you're going to dress fittings, you're spending a copious amount of money and your role is to (attempt to) keep the bride stress-free. So yes, being a bridesmaid really tests the strengths of your friendship.

Watch: Royal wedding guest dos & don'ts

I'm pretty sure that being a bride is much harder (though I don't have experience in that area). Managing expectations from everyone around you while trying to ensure your day goes as smoothly as possible sounds pretty impossible. Since we were children, most women have an idea of what their dream wedding will look like.

Of course, that "dream" changes when we get older depending on our lifestyle choices and values, but when a woman decides to have a wedding (I guess the groom is involved, too), she would want to make it a day as close to that dream as possible.

I've heard multiple bridesmaid horror stories of being out of pocket from paying for their friend's dream wedding and I've also heard many horror stories of friendship breakups as a result.

With all of this, I would ask you what made your friend ask you to be her bridesmaid in the first place? And what made you say yes?

I assume you were very close friends for this to happen, how lucky to have a friendship like that. She must have felt like you'd support her and stick by her.

You might not want to hear this, but you have to ask yourself how much this friendship means to you. I think that choosing to step down from this position after "things get real" could possibly ruin the friendship.

If this is a friendship you want to preserve, then you have to ask yourself if you take out the money element, would you still like to be her bridesmaid?

If so, then have an honest conversation with her, tell her you would love to be part of her big day but can't afford all of the things she's asking for. Ask her if she's willing to meet you in the middle or could you have an alternative role in her big day?

If you don't want to be a bridesmaid regardless of the money then you have to be okay with the possibility of ending this friendship. Remember that you actually haven't had a conversation with your friend about the dynamics of your relationship. She could well and truly still see you as one of her closest pals.

Don't leave it too late, she's under enough stress as it is. Be careful and considerate when you let her down and remember that some friendship shifts can be extremely heartbreaking and can cause people to "act out" so expect every emotion to be thrown at you.

Good luck!

With kindness,

Your MM group chat xx

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