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Ah, yes.
It's time to settle down and watch *checks notes* one hour of celebrities hitting each other and crying.
Just some chill, totally normal viewing for your Tuesday evening.
This is... fine. Image: GIPHY.
We open on base camp, where the "celebrities" are getting ready to attempt (key word... attempt) to complete more SAS training.
According to one of the very angry British men, today's challenges will involve the "celebrities" facing their fears. (Does this mean the Honey Badger has to face commitment or...?)
For their first challenge, the contestants scale up a rock face before immediately abseiling down it. Honestly, it seems pretty pointless, but OK.
There's a lot of swearing and heavy breathing and the angry British men keep referring to Ali Oetjen as a "Thunderbird puppet" and "Rapunzel" which feels a lil bit... sexist.
The Honey Badger, on the other hand, virtually runs down the mountain like The Flash and mate, it's not a fkn race.
Actual footage of the Honey Badger. (Not really). Image: GIPHY.
Back at the base camp, the group sit down to eat soup and debrief.
Jackson Warne – yes, apparently being Shane Warne's son makes you a "celebrity" – tells Schapelle Corby that he's never had tomato soup before and look, that's a sentence we never thought we'd write in a reality TV recap.
After sharing that he'd tried more food than ever before on the show, Jackson says that he feels like he's let Australia down but not giving "cricket a crack".
"I just want to make my family proud, and this is one of the hardest things I'll ever do," he says while eating a bowl of tomato soup for the first time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Later on, the group are woken up in the middle of the night and given five minutes to make it to the yard.
They're late getting there, and Instructor Ant Angry James Bond is not happy.
He forces them to spend seven minutes in a push-up position and WHY WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO DO THIS???
THIS IS LITERAL HELL.
This is what hell looks like tbh.
Oh... no.
Elsewhere, Arabella Del Busso has been taken away for an ~interrogation~ about her past.
The British men have been reading the Daily Mail in their spare time, and they'd like to know the gossip, pls.
She tells the men that she's faced scrutiny in the tabloids since her split from Wests Tigers player Josh Reynolds, and that she lied to him about being pregnant.
"Why did you do it?" one of the men asked her.
"The relationship was kind of coming to an end and I didn't know how to deal with losing someone," she said, before adding that she faked the pregnancy "to try to draw him back in".
"You can't move forward in your life if you can't be f***ing honest," the British man responds and... true.
This is... a lot.
The next morning, Arabella (unsurprisingly) decides to leave the challenge.
She gives back her armband and returns to appearing on the Daily Mail homepage each and every day.
Meanwhile, the rest of the group head to... the middle of nowhere.
The muddy celebrities are about to start their next challenge, but Firass is being a naughty, naughty boy again.
He made a sarcastic comment about running and now the rest of the celebrities have been forced to run sprints while he watches on and giggles from the sideline.
Goodness.
Firass' naughty boy behaviour broke Roxy yesterday. And now he has done the same to Schapelle.
Schapelle tells the British men that she'd like to leave, which is awkward because let's be honest, she's the reason that at least 83 per cent of us are watching this sh*t.
"I miss... Bali."
She hands in her armband and heads back to Instagram and now we'll never know the answer to the most pressing question of our time:
YOU PUT THE POT IN THE BOOGIE BOARD BAG? Y/N?
"Out of three, two of them [left] because of this man here," Angry James Bond tells the group, pointing to naughty boy Firass.
"It's not about you. Do not be that selfish prick," he tells him.
Angry James Bond would like Firass to stop being a naughty boy.
Later on, the group head to a muddy field where they will play a game called... Murderball.
Yes, MURDERBALL.
MURDER. BALL.
WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS SHOW?
The game is essentially rugby league with no rules. Oh, and instead of a ball, the teams use a large car tyre. Yep, cool.
First up, the Honey Badger and AFLW player Sabrina Frederick take on naughty boy Firass.
Firass is already taking it far too seriously. Image: GIPHY.
They fight to the death over the tyre in the mud until Love Island's Eden Dally and personal trainer Shannan Ponton are sent in to join the "game".
It's intense and muddy and we still can't work out why anyone would willingly sign up to this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He's running away from his problems... again.
After the group are given a water break, naughty boy Firass gets in trouble with the school principal... again.
He is sent to lie in a giant puddle, where he throws a tantrum and starts making snow mud angels.
What.
The.
F*ck.
After a brief temper tantrum break, the game resumes and swimmer Shayna Jack and rally car driver Molly Taylor enter the field.
They fight over the tyre until the Honey Badger is sent in, immediately knocking Shayna to the ground and leaving her winded.
It's... a lot.
Yikes.
Once they return to the base camp, Shayna collapses on the ground as the rest of the group call for a medic.
While she didn't fracture or break anything, she's severely winded.
Elsewhere, the British men are discussing the celebrities. After today's game of Murderball they're concerned that the Honey Badger is a little... reckless and well, enough said.
But as for naughty boy Firass, they're not happy with his naughty, naughty behaviour at the school excursion SAS challenge.
They bring him into the principal's office and start to fire off questions.
"You literally cannot keep your mouth shut, can you?" the principals ask him.
"If there's a silence, you have to fill it with some shite."
"I'm just trying to have a laugh, aye."
After a fierce telling off, naughty boy Firass is hooded and taken back to his bunk for detention.
He... isn't happy about it.
Image: GIPHY.
UNTIL MONDAY NIGHT.
Catch up on the rest of our SAS Australia recaps here:
Mamamia recaps SAS Australia Episode 1: THESE BRITISH MEN ARE REALLY ANGRY.
SAS Australia continues on Monday night at 7.30pm on Channel Seven.
Feature Image: Channel Seven.
