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Mamamia recaps SAS Australia: The celebrities are starting to look utterly... broken.

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It's week two of SAS Australia and the celebrities are starting to look utterly... broken.

We open on base camp, where the recruits are preparing to face thick piles of mud, a bunch of angry, potty-mouthed British men, and a healthy dose of psychological trauma. 

Now that the "physically weak" contestants have left, Angry James Bond tells the group that it's time to start "chipping them off psychologically". Cool. 

WTF IS THIS SHOW?  

For their first task, the group are given a crash course in the rules of combat/guns/murder. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

They all look hilariously confused.

Especially the Honey Badger, who is deep in thought about whether he should give his next rose to Ali Oetjen or Angry James Bond.

"Where's Osher though?" 

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Former Miss Universe Australia Erin McNaught is up first for the combat challenge.

She's hooded by an angry British man who drags her through a dirt tunnel to an abandoned abattoir.

Once there, he aggressively splashes her in the face with water (???), before handing her a gun. 

"WE'RE BEING SHOT AT," he yells.

He's mad. Again. 

A man emerges from the abattoir and starts shooting at Erin and she does, erm, absolutely nothing.

"Somebody tried to kill you. Why didn't you shoot?" the angry British man asks her.

"STEVIE WONDER COULD HAVE SEEN THAT HE WASN'T FRIENDLY," he yells, and goodness.

This whole situation feels a little... familiar:

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The Gordon Ramsay vibes are unbelievably strong. 

After Erin returns to the group, Candice Warner, Merrick Watts, Shayna Jack and Ali Oetjen all fail the test.

But Jackson Warne – yep, the one who has only eaten 10 different foods – succeeds.

Seems rigged, but okay.

Back at base camp, the British men discuss the performance of the contestants.

"It was all about mindset. There was nothing really physical about today, was there?" Angry James Bond says.

Uh... excuse us?

YOU DRAGGED THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD. HOW IS THAT NOT PHYSICAL, SIR???

Are you even watching the same sh*t as us?

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Goodness.

It's time for another good old-fashioned interrogation. 

Cricketer Mitchell Johnson is hooded and brought into the room.

The angry British men ask him why his demeanour changed after he failed the combat challenge.

In the interrogation room, things get heavy.

"I struggle with confidence at times. I'm in that transition where I've been out of playing cricket for two years," Mitchell admits.

"I found out I've got depression. But I think the depression was something I've had even from a younger age," he adds.

"Cricket blocked things out in a way. It hid the depression. Through my career, I just sort of dealt with it."

"I hid the depression."

Later on, the celebrities are summoned for a late night inspection.

Oh, FFS.

It seems Firass is up to his naughty school boy antics again.

After Firass announces the time to the group for no apparent reason, Shannon fires up.

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"Firass, seriously, shut the f*ck up," he tells him.

"No f*cking talking. I don't want to hear it."

Shannon, pls. You need to stop trying to outshine Angry James Bond. This isn't The Biggest Loser.

Pause. The real Angry James Bond is here.

For reasons that are unclear to precisely everyone, Angry James Bond checks whether the celebrities have their water bottles filled to the brim.

If they don't, he forces them to empty the water on their head, which seems wasteful, but okay. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Naughty boy Firass is in trouble again.

This is... fine.

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As punishment for *checks notes*... not filling up their water bottles, the angry British men force the celebrities to work out.

Sounds like our worst nightmare, tbh.

They carry each other around the yard like giant babies, and it's uncomfortable for all of us. 

This feels... weird.

Is this necessary tho?

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After three hours of torture, the celebrities hold heavy rocks above their heads and wait, is it weird that we're finding this somewhat... relaxing?

Why is watching celebrities getting yelled at boosting our serotonin levels? 

Seriously.

It's 1.30am and the celebrities return to their giant bedroom/tent.

Candice, meanwhile, has been called to the interrogation room. 

Angry James Bond has been diving into the tabloids from 2007, and HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. He's read about Candice's encounter with footballer Sonny Bill Williams, and her husband David Warner's ball tampering scandal. 

Candice enters the dingy interrogation shed, and the angry British men start questioning her.

"Why are you here?" one asks her.

"I'm here to represent my family. Too many people are quick to make judgement or opinions," she responds. 

"The media make us out to be people that we're not. [They've made us out to be] bad people. Bad parents.

"I think the hardest part for me was being told that I was a really bad mother."

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"I'm here to represent my family."

The conversation turns to Sonny Bill Williams, and the South African fans who tormented David Warner by wearing masks of the footballer's face at a test match.

"People were trying to make fun of me, mock me, belittle me in front of my family," Candice says. "It was just a bad mistake."

Angry James Bond attempts to probe further into Candice's story, but she isn't having it.

"It must have been a bad incident. Can't you talk about it? You got caught," he says.

"I don't want to talk about it," she replies.

The men give up on trying to get the goss and start throwing around words like "journey" and "strength".

"You've got to remember that the only thing you ever hear is the noise. But the noise isn't worth listening to. Just f***ing concentrate on your own journey in here for now," one of the men says.

Once the inspirational speech is done, Candice is hooded again and sent back to her bunk.

UNTIL TUESDAY NIGHT.

Catch up on the rest of our SAS Australia recaps here:

Mamamia recaps SAS Australia Episode 1: THESE BRITISH MEN ARE REALLY ANGRY.
Mamamia recaps SAS Australia Episode 2: Dammit. 50 per cent of the gossip just walked off the show.

Feature Image: Channel Seven.

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