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Mamamia recaps SAS Australia: I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK.

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At camp, Jana is dressing her 35-year-old bastard child, Heath Braxton.

(Honestly, not a bad Home and Away storyline. Hey Channel 7, you can have that one for free.)

The five remaining recruits are excited because they're all over 30, but that excitement... simply cannot last any longer. It's time to break them, physically but also psychologically.

The first task of the day requires them to jump off a boat into freezing cold water, and haul themselves 15 metres up a VERY flimsy looking rope into a hovering helicopter in under 90 seconds.

Watching this show has made me cocky. I really just thought 'oh, that seems easy'.

Not easy in everyday terms, but last week they literally had to carry a 150 kilogram log five kilometres. So... SAS easy. NO I WILL NOT BE PUTTING MYSELF ON THE LINE TO PROVE IT.

Dan is first and he makes it with 15 seconds to spare. He does a little celebratory yell once he's safe in the helicopter, and um... I thought we learned WEEKS ago that we must not gloat about the wins!!! 

Justice for Koby!

Dan says he is addicted to bettering himself. Can't relate.

But good for you, Heath Braxton. Image: Channel 7.

John is next. He's still nervous around water but you wouldn't know it looking at him, because he dives straight in and makes it to the chopper with 30 seconds remaining.


Mark makes it in 80 seconds, and Sam in 70.

Finally, it's Jana's turn.

No woman has successfully completed this task during SAS selection (I mean, this is only season two so it's not... that concerning), but JANA IS THE ONE TO DO IT. WE JUST KNOW IT.

She's slow to the ladder and honestly, it kind of looks like she's swimming in the wrong direction.


Jana is halfway up when Angry James Bond says it's not uncommon for people to die during the ladder troop extraction training. 

"So interesting!" Image: Channel 7.

She finds another wind, probably because death by tumbling off a ladder for this damn TV show is not a great way to go out, and makes it to the top in the nick of time.

Heckkkkkkkkkkk yeah.

And yes, I take back everything I ever said about it looking easy. 

My greatest fear is someone from Channel 7 contacting me asking me to try some of the tasks I've rubbished online. I CAN TALK THE TALK BUT I ALREADY KNOW I CAN'T WALK THE WALK.

The DS start talking about how there are tough, strong women out there. I mean, personally I had no idea. Women can be strong, you guys. Bloody news to me!

Back at camp, John is slandering sweet potato fries.



"Disgusting." Image: Channel 7.

Probable sweet potato fry fan Angry James Bond calls him in for questioning, because we simply can't have a sweet potato hater on the team. Sorry. That's just the way it goes. Also, I guess they want to check in on his mental state ahead of the course's final 48 hours. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

John says the ladder extraction was the first task where he actually felt good and had mental clarity. He's been battling the voice in his head who is full of self-doubt, but the angry British men have noticed his progress and they're proud of him.


He goes back to the accommodation and gets "deep and sh*t" with Sam, saying he's found his purpose.

Now, it's time to write a death letter; a letter that would be given to their family if they died during SAS service.

Mmmmmmmhm. Just your average, cheery Monday night television. 

They then have to read them out loud to each other. So... we all have tissues handy, yeah?

Mark has written to his wife, and he's only two sentences in when the names of his children make him emotional.

He continues and oh god, I'm sobbing.


Dan cries too while reading his message to his partner and son, and then Jana says she'll try not to cry through hers.

Hahahahaha good one.

Obviously, she cries, we cry, everybody cries.

John goes next, and he prefaces it to say his death letter is... happy. He reads to his kids and beams as he talks about how proud he is of his family.


Last up is Sam, and he apologises in advance because he's definitely about to get emotional.

Image: Channel 7.


He opens with a message to his mum, and then chokes up as he begins to talk to his three brothers.

Then he gets to his kids.

"I'll live on through you both in every which way. So in moments of sadness, you can find me anywhere if you look hard enough."


Afterwards, it's group hug time and then Mark suggests they burn their letters like they're teen girls who have just been dumped*.

*this may or may not be based on true events.

With no tears left to cry, three Olympians, an NRL star and an actor walk into an assault course designed to push them beyond their limits.

The two kilometre course has no finish line, so they'll basically just have to keep doing painful lap after painful lap until the angry British men are done with the torture, or they withdraw.

One at a time, they set off on the course. Except for John who... tries to go early and is punished by being called a muppet.


Like an elegent gazelle in a David Attenborough doco.

SUCH BEAUTY. SUCH GRACE. Image: Channel 7.


Everyone finishes the first lap, and Angry James Bond says it was pathetic.



They make it through a second round, and Jana is prepared to quit if they have to do it again.

She collapses, though luckily Angry James Bond is there is stop her from falling completely.

WHEN I TELL YOU I GASPED. Image: Channel 7.


She gets back to her feet and THANK GOD. THAT WAS SCARY.

The angry British men are satisfied with their efforts, which I mean... duh. She literally just collapsed for you!

Thankfully, there will be no third round.

They get in the car, but our old friend Dr Dan is brought in to assess Jana.

She's dizzy and seeing spots... and then John goes down too and needs oxygen.

I just really think they could do with a nice long nap, ya know.

After a while, Jana says she's good to carry on AND THIS WOMAN IS A GODDAMN MACHINE.

They head back to camp and everyone is... ruined. Then John is like "something does seem right" and BOOM. 


The car is ambushed by angry men with guns, who round up the recruits.

My favourite part is where his tiny angry man captures giant human Sam. Image: Channel 7.

They're taken hostage and things fade to black. 

We've got ourselves a reality TV cliffhanger.

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Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, sarcasm and... cat content, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Channel 7.

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