We need to discuss a matter of national significance.
You see, in June everyone’s favourite Bachelor in Paradise couple, Sam Cochrane and Tara Pavlovic, announced they had broken up.
What followed was a wave of national mourning.
The hashtag #PutYourMangoDaquairisOut began trending.
People started slathering fake tan on their pale, wintery bodies, then they gathered around their local pools to discuss their feelings.
If you listen really carefully you can still hear the distressed screams of ‘What about the banter?’ echoing through the city streets.