Fellow S Club 7 fans:
It’s finally Friday.
You’re feeling kinda good, looking alright.
Why? I’ll tell you why: because you’re about to find out what the seven greatest musicians of all time* are up to now.
(*I genuinely don’t know if the members of S Club 7 are musicians. I don’t think they can play instruments. It is possible they can’t even sing. It is possible they are malfunctioning 90s robots. LET’S FIND OUT!)
Is Tina still doing her dance?
Is Jon still looking for romance?
Is Paul still gettin’ down on the floor?
By God, is Hannah still screaming out for more??!?!!?
If you’re like me, and you still want to see Bradley swing, and Rachel do her thing, and you’re wondering whether Jo still got the flow, GET READY EVERYBODY COS HERE WE GO!
1. Tina
Tina released a solo single called “Fire” in 2012. Friends, I’m sorry, but this is not a good song. Not in the fun way that “Reach” is not a good song, but in the way that you never want to listen to it again and there’s a weird speak-rapping bit in the middle of it where the words aren’t even discernible.
In fact, Tina hasn't done that much else. Almost like... she was shut down for many years until she was rebooted to form S Club 3.
In case you can't see where I'm going with this: Tina is a 90s music robot.
2. Jon
Jon pursued his musical interests with roles in various West End productions, including Les Miserables, Jersey Boys, Love Shack and Teen Scream. He publicly came out as gay in 2010, and recorded a solo album called Fallen Angel in 2013. I found a review that gave it a "4", but I couldn't tell if that was a 4/10 or a 4/5, so I listened to it and...
It's a 4/10.
Sorry, Jon.
3. Paul
As any die-hard fan would know, Paul was the first band member to leave S Club 7, and therefore the worst. He now plays in a "nu-metal" band called Skua. He claims he doesn't regret leaving the band, but, look, come on Paul. Skua? S-kua? S-klua? S-klub? S CLUB 7?
Good try, buddy. I'm onto you.
Listen: Speaking of good music, Mia thinks Kasey Chambers has made some.
4. Hannah
Since the band's split, Hannah moved away from singing into acting, landing a recurring role on drama Primeval from 2007 to 2011. Also, she dated Paul for a while!!!! They aren't together anymore. What a ride.
5. Bradley
Apparently being a member of a 90s band is Bradley's go. Following S Club 7's split, he tried to make a new group called Upper Street with assorted members from other bands like Steps, New Kids on the Block and 911. This sounds amazing, but it was not. Their song, 'The One', barely made it into the UK Top 40 and the intro music sounds suspiciously like a less-good version of Eminem's "Just Lose It".
After that, Bradley went on a show called Celebrity Sport Relief, where he lost a boxing match.
Recently, though, Bradley's had some real commercial success! Kind of. He wrote a song for a band called Bars and Melody that went number 1 in Poland. So that's... better than number 1 nowhere, I guess.
6. Rachel
Let's put it out there up front, because we're all thinking it: Rachel was, and continues to be, the coolest and best band member. And yeah, before you ask. She's still doing her thing.
Following the band's split, Rachel was offered a solo record deal reportedly worth six figures, and released two albums. In the interests of journalistic integrity, I actually listened to some of her songs, and they are not the worst. They are actually quite catchy! I think Rachel is my new favourite band!
Sadly, she hasn't released any music since 2005, but she's been doing other things, like being a guest judge on X Factor New Zealand, a real judge on X Factor Ireland, appearing in the movie Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and being named FHM's Sexiest Woman of all Time.
All in a day's work for my pal Rachel.
7. Jo
In September 2005, Jo's debut single 'What Hurts the Most' was number 13 on the UK Charts. Since then, she's been around the reality TV block (although not actually on The Block), starting with BBC reality show Just The Two Of Us and graduating to Celebrity Big Brother in 2007, where she was widely accused of being a racist. Cool!
Now, Jo seems to be auctioning off S Club 7 memorabilia in an effort to raise money for animal rights. Sadly, it seems like nobody likes S Club 7 enough to pay the big bucks for any of their old stuff, so her big ticket items (like a signed copy of the original script of the S CLUB 7 MOVIE!!!!) still only sold for less than $300.
8. S Club 7
Big news for S Club 7: In June this year, it was announced that S Club 7 would henceforth be known as S Club 3, which is just the original band but without all the good people (again, no offence Jo, Bradley and Tina. You guys are... fine.)
Actually, screw it. #BringBackRachel.
A fun fact about S Club 7 S Club 3: the "S" stands for Simon, the guy who created the band.
9. "Simon"
And where is Simon now? Well, it turns out he's a hugely successful music producer who is not at all affected by or interested in the goings on of S Club 7 and/or 3.
In fact, he just joined with the four original members of ABBA to plan the movie "Mamma Mia 2", so he's doing by far the best out of everyone.
Even Rachel.
Good onya, Simon.
NOTE: Get around S Club 7 on Spotify. I'm not kidding. Their music stands the test of time. Indeed, it has IMPROVED WITH AGE. Hell, dive deep into their back catalogue! Who knows what gems are hidden there!
RETRACTION OF NOTE: Do not dive deep into the S Club 7 back catalogue. Only four S Club 7 songs stand the test of time. You know which ones. Let us not sully the band's good name by listening to their other, very bad, music. I thank you. Enjoy your Friday.