parent opinion

"Don’t forget to cry in the car": The rules for being a mum.

This post is intended as satire.

The rules for being a mum:

Have a drug-free birth, because medical interventions and planned caesarean sections are for women who don’t try hard enough.

But also don’t refuse any interventions or express any feelings about what happened to your birth plan because the baby’s life is more important than yours and you are just lucky to have a baby. 

Breastfeed, obviously, because breast is always best. Cracked nipples, low milk supply and a baby that’s failing to thrive can all be fixed by just breastfeeding better.  

But also don’t forget to make sure that dad and grandparents can bottle feed occasionally because hogging bub during that bonding time is really selfish. 

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Breastfeed exclusively until six months. 

But also don’t forget that you only get 18 weeks of maternity leave. 

Continue to breastfeed after 6 months, until 24 months and beyond. But also don’t forget that breastfeeding a toddler is wrong, and for the love of god don’t do it in public.

Introduce solid foods at six months old.  

But also don’t forget that whatever food you start with is wrong. 

Make sure you provide a safe sleeping environment for bub following all the current recommendations by SIDS, your midwife, and your mother-in-law, which is separate from your bed. 

But also don’t forget to stay close enough to bub so you can constantly monitor their breathing and attend to them as soon as they cry. 

All toys you buy for your child should be wooden, gender neutral, in muted natural tones, sourced locally and preferably second-hand. But also don’t forget to only buy plastic toys that can be cleaned and sanitised correctly.

Mother’s group and playgroup are a wonderful way to socialise both bub and yourself. 

Attend regularly and enjoy making new friends. But also don’t forget to cry in the car afterwards because that bitch was horrible to you again. 

Recording all of the important milestones that bub hits is your job. 

Fill in the baby book, buy milestone cards and post photos regularly to social media, remembering to tag your partner. 

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But also don’t forget that milestones are only allowed to be reached during acceptable time periods. If bub is early, please don’t gloat about it and if they are late, please express shame and seek professional help.

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Baby wearing is the most acceptable way to transport your child. 

Whether you chose a stretchy wrap, woven wrap or designer baby carrier that cost more than your first car isn’t important as long as you are keeping them close.  

Just don’t use a pram that isolates them or god forbid a carrier that faces outwards. 

But also don’t forget that carrying bub all the time is smothering them, and you shouldn’t be a helicopter parent. 

Remember to use your pram every day while you jog.  

Attending daycare and preschool are vital ways to socialise your baby, get them used to being with a different primary carer and a good way for you to re-enter the workforce and contribute to society again after your tax payer funded "maternity leave" holiday. 

But also don’t forget that you chose to have a child, and it’s just lazy to let someone else raise them. Why even have a child if you’re not going to spend 24 hours a day with them?  

Make sure you lose the baby weight immediately, by breastfeeding, jogging with the pram you shouldn’t be putting your baby in and exercising in all your spare time. 

But also don’t forget to eat extra calcium and nutrients to ensure nourishing breast milk, and any spare time you have should be spent bonding with them. Lucky you!  

The rules for being a dad:

Anything you can do to help with the kids is great, you’re such a wonderful hands-on dad. Your partner is lucky to have you. 

Feature Image: Getty.

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