entertainment

Rosie Reviews: Gone With The Wind. (In 2 minutes.)

Gone with the Wind. A four hour long classic.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Gone With The Wind is one of those movies that’s always been on my list. But an epic saga of love set against the backdrop of the Civil War in America’s south… Well, it’s always been at the bottom of my list, to be honest.

Also, it was made in 1939 and is almost 4 hours long, so you can understand why I’ve been putting it off.

But, when you can make some popcorn and download it straight to your TV, it’s worth dedicating a night to. And (in a turn of events that surprised me more than anybody), I found myself really invested in this movie by the end. Maybe it has something to do with it being, you know, considered one of the greatest films of all time. Or the 87 Oscars it won.

Straight up: I had a great time watching this movie. And if you haven’t seen it yet, you really need to get on that immediately.

But I know it can be daunting. A four-hour classic? Yikes. Never fear! I wrote notes so I’d be able to walk you through it.

Here’s your simple, two-minute guide to Gone With The Wind:

Okay so it’s about this chick called Scarlett. She’s really rich and lives on this farm called Tara with her parents in America’s south.

All the dudes in town love her, but she’s all: “Whatever you guys. I only love Ashley.”

Ashley, of course, is engaged to another chick called Melanie. Scarlett’s all, “Why won’t you marry me?” And he’s all, “Because I love you, but you be crazy.” And she’s all, “But that’s why you love me!” And he’s all, “Nah – Melanie and I just fit together better.”

So Ashley marries Melanie and Scarlett is heartbroken.

Meanwhile, some dashing dude with a questionable mo falls in love with Scarlett. His name is Rhett. Rhett knows that Scarlett is crazy and selfish, but he loves her anyway because ROMANCE. He says he wants to be with her, but she’s all: “No thanks. Not interested. Only care about Ashley.”

Just as an FYI, this post is sponsored by Telstra. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.

Then the civil war breaks out, and all the men go to fight in some place. Scarlett marries some random dweeb to make Ashley jealous, but it doesn’t work. The dweeb dies in the war like two seconds later.

Melanie spends this portion of the movie sighing and gasping about how much she misses Ashley, and Scarlett is just like: *eyeroll*

Rhett pops up randomly during this time to tell Scarlett he loves her, and she’s still just like, “Yeah no thanks. I love Ashley.” And Rhett’s like, “Can’t you see he’s married to Melanie?” and Scarlett’s like, “Whatevs – still into him.”

Rhett’s moustache. Can’t deal.

Melanie gets preggo to Ashley while he’s on leave for Christmas. She gives birth in Atlanta, where she and Scarlett have been nursing wounded soldiers. At that point Scarlett is like, “LET’S BAIL. Getting out of here.” So she finds Rhett, who because of how much he loves her, takes them all back to her farm, Tara. Then he goes to help with war… stuff.

Tara has basically gone to crap. Scarlett’s mum has died and her dad has gone crazy. There’s no food and no money. Scarlett’s all: “As God is my witness, I will fix all this and get really rich again.” Then she becomes a total superwoman and looks after everyone.

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The war ends. Ashley comes home and he and Melanie are all: “Love you so much! Missed you! So glad you’re alive!” etc etc. Scarlett’s still just like: *eyeroll*

She tells Ashley again that she loves him. And he’s still just like, “Love you too. But I’m married to Melanie.”

The farm is going to get taken by the tax-man, and Scarlett is in charge of making sure everybody doesn’t starve, so she marries some rich dude to help pay for stuff. He ends up dying as well, which is when Rhett swoops in and finally, even though she’s still like, “Don’t really love you,” Scarlett marries him.

They have a daughter, Bonnie, but their marriage is awful because Rhett can tell that Scarlett loves Ashley and not him. Much fighting/drinking ensues.

Bonnie, the only thing keeping Scarlett and Rhett together, falls off a horse and dies. A couple of days later, Melanie also dies. I think from grief. I couldn’t really tell. She looked sick though.

Once Melanie is dead, Scarlett’s all: “Yes! Now Ashley and I can finally be together!” But then she sees how devo he is that his wife has died, and she’s all like: “Hold up: I thought you didn’t love her?” And Ashley’s all: “She was the freaking love of my life. I only told you I loved you and not her because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But I was never that into you, to be honest.”

Then Scarlett’s all: “OMFG. I’m such an idiot. I’ve been chasing after lamo Ashley this whole time, when super good-looking and dashing Rhett has been in love with me and treated me like a queen etc etc etc.”

Rhett doesn’t give a damn. He is keeping the moustache.

She runs back to her place to tell Rhett that she loves him, but it’s too late. He’s all: “I’m sick of your shit. I’m leaving.” And she’s all: “But I just realised that I love you!” And he’s all: “You only just realised? We’ve been married for five years – thanks a LOT.”

And then he walks out the door. Scarlett’s like “Rhett! Wait! I love you! What will I do?” And Rhett’s like: “Frankly my dear, I’m officially sick of your shit.”

And then he leaves.

So then Scarlett is alone. Her daughter is dead. Her best friend is dead. Her parents are dead. Her husband has left her. She cries on the stairs for a while, before she’s like: “Wait a sec – I still have that massive farm Tara that I really like.”

So she heads back to Tara to try and figure out how to get Rhett back. Because theirs is clearly a love story on par with Kim and Kanye. Or Marge and Homer. Or me and wine.

The end.

And… BREATHE OUT.

Gone With The Wind may be long, but it’s epic and amazing. It was actually one of the funnest nights I’ve had in a while, and launched a bit of a classic movie-interest within me. This could be the start of something.

And I know it’s the ‘greatest movie of all time’ or whatever, but I’m going to give this one 4.5 out of 5 #starlightstars. Purely because I didn’t like Rhett’s moustache. That thing needs to be CGI’d out.

What movie would you like to see Rosie review next?

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