Welcome to this season’s ‘tomorrow night is home-town dates, next week is the end, so tonight we’re really just throwing some shit together with whatever money we have left to get through the hour’ episode. I can already tell it’s going to be fantastic and I’m definitely not going to feel ripped off at the end at ALL. We open on the Peen Owners just casually doing a ‘casual, lazy workout’ at Peen Palace, which includes some strategically placed gym balls and someone doing exactly two boxing moves:
Reminds me of when I pull out gym ball and just end up sitting on it while watching TV and drinking wine. Then sitting on it gets too hard because to sit on those things you have to access your ‘core’, of which I have none, so I just move to the couch before calling my sister to tell her how I just ‘worked out for an hour’.
Alright, let’s get this ‘we have nothing to do tonight but need to last an hour so here’s some stuff’ episode on the road. Oshie’s Hair arrives to tell the Peen Owners that tonight is an episode in which nothing will happen, besides someone getting booted at the end, which, let’s be honest, we all know is going to be Dave The Plumber because he’s been looking a little sad and desperate lately and nobody ever lasts once they’ve started to look and desperate (been there, my friend – don’t drink and text).
Oshie then takes one for the #TimeFillerDate team, and spends about 11 minutes explaining to the Peen Owners that they are on a show called The Bachelorette, controlled by epic Feminist Overlord of Channel Ten, the divine Sandra Sully. They are competing for the love of our Bachie Queen, the heavenly snort-laughing, closet-bogan Sam Frost. There is one single date and one group date left tonight. Then it’s home-dates, then we’re done, and Rosie Waterland will officially need a holiday:
Then, just to make sure we get through to 8:30pm, he tells the story of how he climbed an Israeli mountain and changed his name to Osher, before explaining the enitre plot of Inception and revealing that Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. Well done, Oshie. That was some epic time-filling. Sandra will be pleased. Special treats in the Channel Ten dungeon tonight for you.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Annnnnd the budget for this season has officially been spent. Tonight’s group date, the FINAL group date of the season, the absolute last chance for the group dates to go out with a bang is… At Peen Palace. Yes, we are at the point where we can’t even afford to leave the house for dates anymore. Don’t get me wrong, my favourite thing to do is stay home and watch TV, but that’s because the TV I’m watching IS MEANT TO BE MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LIFE I’M LIVING. Watching a date where everybody just stays at home is not entertaining. Unless it’s those amazing Greek ladies on Gogglebox.
In order to make it seem like this date is more entertaining than the life I’m living, there is of course a gimmick attached: The Peen Owners must prepare a dinner for Bachie Queen. They are in charge of one course each, and the producers are no doubt hoping for some ‘silly boys just don’t know what to do with themselves in the kitchen’ hijinks in order to make us forget we’re just watching a few people hanging out AT HOME. (Example: New front-runner Richie thinks canapés are called ‘Ka-napes’ LOL HIJINKS! etc etc etc)