Welcome to this season’s ‘tomorrow night is home-town dates, next week is the end, so tonight we’re really just throwing some shit together with whatever money we have left to get through the hour’ episode. I can already tell it’s going to be fantastic and I’m definitely not going to feel ripped off at the end at ALL. We open on the Peen Owners just casually doing a ‘casual, lazy workout’ at Peen Palace, which includes some strategically placed gym balls and someone doing exactly two boxing moves:
Reminds me of when I pull out gym ball and just end up sitting on it while watching TV and drinking wine. Then sitting on it gets too hard because to sit on those things you have to access your ‘core’, of which I have none, so I just move to the couch before calling my sister to tell her how I just ‘worked out for an hour’.
Alright, let’s get this ‘we have nothing to do tonight but need to last an hour so here’s some stuff’ episode on the road. Oshie’s Hair arrives to tell the Peen Owners that tonight is an episode in which nothing will happen, besides someone getting booted at the end, which, let’s be honest, we all know is going to be Dave The Plumber because he’s been looking a little sad and desperate lately and nobody ever lasts once they’ve started to look and desperate (been there, my friend – don’t drink and text).
Oshie then takes one for the #TimeFillerDate team, and spends about 11 minutes explaining to the Peen Owners that they are on a show called The Bachelorette, controlled by epic Feminist Overlord of Channel Ten, the divine Sandra Sully. They are competing for the love of our Bachie Queen, the heavenly snort-laughing, closet-bogan Sam Frost. There is one single date and one group date left tonight. Then it’s home-dates, then we’re done, and Rosie Waterland will officially need a holiday:
Then, just to make sure we get through to 8:30pm, he tells the story of how he climbed an Israeli mountain and changed his name to Osher, before explaining the enitre plot of Inception and revealing that Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze. Well done, Oshie. That was some epic time-filling. Sandra will be pleased. Special treats in the Channel Ten dungeon tonight for you.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Annnnnd the budget for this season has officially been spent. Tonight’s group date, the FINAL group date of the season, the absolute last chance for the group dates to go out with a bang is… At Peen Palace. Yes, we are at the point where we can’t even afford to leave the house for dates anymore. Don’t get me wrong, my favourite thing to do is stay home and watch TV, but that’s because the TV I’m watching IS MEANT TO BE MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE LIFE I’M LIVING. Watching a date where everybody just stays at home is not entertaining. Unless it’s those amazing Greek ladies on Gogglebox.
In order to make it seem like this date is more entertaining than the life I’m living, there is of course a gimmick attached: The Peen Owners must prepare a dinner for Bachie Queen. They are in charge of one course each, and the producers are no doubt hoping for some ‘silly boys just don’t know what to do with themselves in the kitchen’ hijinks in order to make us forget we’re just watching a few people hanging out AT HOME. (Example: New front-runner Richie thinks canapés are called ‘Ka-napes’ LOL HIJINKS! etc etc etc)
Bachie Queen waits to be served by the Peen Owners. Cue lots of ‘Oh I can’t believe you’ve managed to prepare a meal and aren’t just hopeless silly men who can’t do lady kitchen things!’ blah blah blah.
Ugh. Ew. Although, coming from the show that has made absolutely zero mention of what Bachie Queen does for a career and how that affects her life and will affect a long-term relationship, I’m not surprised by the gender politics at play around a bunch of men trying to find their way around a kitchen. In BachieLand, ladies don’t need to work and men don’t need to cook. Blah blah blah nothing nothing nothing.
They eat. Lots of comments about how ‘these days men can cook a little bit’. They play some dinner party games, which are inexplicably set to very dramatic music, probably in the hopes of distracting us that we’re currently watching people play FUCKING DINNER PARTY GAMES.
Dave The Plumber continues look sad and desperate and like he may use his plumbing skills to access Bachie Queen’s shower and use what he finds to make a Bachie Queen Pube Loofah.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Clit-Tingler Sasha is the chosen one. Probably because of, you know, the whole clit-tingle thing. And, surprise, surprise: There’s no helicopters, no catamarans, no exotic location, no… Well, there’s literally no anything. Seriously, this date involves an actual blank canvas:
A blank canvas and some acrylic paints, all of which I know for a fact can be purchased from Hot Dollar. We have hit BUDGET ROCK BOTTOM, people. They paint the canvas. Talk about feelings. Obviously don’t spend any money. That’s it. Then, we are forced to endure this gross ‘paint-on-mouth’ kiss:
It kind of reminds me of when a dude goes down on you and then wants to kiss you straight away and you just can’t stop looking in horror at their glistening mouth-coating. *shudders*
They move to a Magic Sex Couch with the obligatory wine and cheese board plonked on a table. Still in paint-covered clothes because money for wardrobe at this point is completely depleted:
Talk about feelings. She gives him a rose. They kiss. The end.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s cocktail party basically consists of Dave The Plumber looking increasingly sad and desperate.
He throws a mini-tanty about the dinner party games they played on the group dates, but he’s definitely not emotional at all because the boys don’t get emotional or bitchy like the the girls because girls be silly dumb dumbs and boys are just good quality Aussie Blokes #Mateship etc.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Well, we all know Dave The Plumber is going so let’s just get this #TimeFillerEpisode over and done with, shall we?
Oshie, in a glorious checkered suit, makes sure the episode lasts the full hour by taking ten minutes to explain that tomorrow night’s ‘Home Town’ dates will include the Peen Owners taking Bachie Queen to their ‘Home Towns’. You and your hair have earned their salary tonight, my friend. And you know what? I’m just gonna throw in a picture of that suit because a next-level suit like that DESERVES A FUCKING PICTURE:
Dave The Plumber is booted, obviously. I’m a little disappointed that he handles it with dignity and class, as I’m pretty sure that was our last chance for an epic, rose-ceremony meltdown. Bachie Queen tells him in the nicest way possible that he’s been Friendzoned. His face looks calm, but his eyes are clearly screaming that he already has a Bachie Queen Pube Loofah hidden in his luggage.
Tomorrow night: Home Town Dates! Which, thanks to Oshie’s helpful explanation, we know take place in the ‘Home Towns’ of the Peen Owners.
Missed a recap? Catch up here: Episode 6
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