Annnnnd the producers are officially struggling to make this show interesting at this point in any way, shape or form. We open (AGAIN) on Peen Palace, with a couple of the Peen Owners passing time by playing a game of chess:
Because obviously, when left in Peen Palace with nothing to do, the boys turn to intellectual pursuits while fully dressed. We only ever saw the ladies sitting around in short-shorts bitching about each other, because ladies be silly dumb dumbs and men be all #mateship #goodaussieblokes etc etc etc
Oshie’s Hair arrives with the single date card, and gives one of the best “You’ll never have what I have” looks to Michael that I’ve ever seen:
We clearly have another time-filler episode on our hands, since the next five minutes are spent rehashing everything Davey did on his date with Bachie Queen. In case we’ve forgotten. Since yesterday. #TimeFillerEp
Lots of “What could the date clue mean/Who will be on the date card/I hope it’s me on the date card/But it might be someone else on the date card/Rosie already needs a wine because clearly nothing is going to happen tonight” etc etc etc
Richie gets the single date. Then – TWIST! – (because this is literally as exciting as this episode is going to get) Oshie leaves them with the group date card at the SAME TIME. Can you believe that?!? The single date card and the group date card being handed out at the SAME TIME?!? Well, that is just crazy talk. The Bachelorette this season is soon exciting and just refuses to follow any damn rules and isn’t this just a mile a minute and how could any episode ever get as exciting as that unexpected and surprising twist?
Hold me, I can’t handle the excitement.
GROUP DATE TIME!
It’s a test of strength and skill at a ‘carnival’, and my budget concerns have resurfaced, since this looks like the kind of carnival that Cletus from The Simpsons would have his wedding reception at. Last year we got Luna Park, this year we get a few games plonked in the mud, with what I’m sure is an off-brand Hooters called ‘Knockerz’ just out of shot.
The Peen Owners compete on a bunch of carnival games for some one-on-one time with Bachie Queen. The editors, bless their hearts, pull out every trick in their box to try and make it interesting. There’s dramatic music. There’s lots of shots of Dave The Plumber looking like he might cry and/or poop himself if he doesn’t win. We literally spend almost two segments across an ad break just watching the Peen Owners whack a bell with a hammer.
More games/faux drama/competition etc. They even put ‘tug-of-war in there, since this back-alley budget carnival clearly doesn’t have enough games for them to play.
Dave The Plumber wins, which I’m a little disappointed about, because I would have loved to have seen the poop-related meltdown I was hoping he was headed for.
Bachie Queen takes today’s Peen Champion to a Magic Sex Couch under the ‘Big Top’ (which is what I like to call my special button when I’m in the mood).
They talk about feelings. He’s clearly not going to win, which is made abundantly clear when, instead of pashing, they decide to ‘hug it out’. (Been there, buddy. Ouch.)
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Wow. One of the date-planner producers has pulled an amazing idea of their arse with what is clearly no money. On tonight’s date, Richie and Bachie Queen will get made-up to look like they’re in their 80s, then go to lunch and play bingo at the bowling club.
It’s a GREAT fucking gimmick, and forces everyone to forget that this date is essentially free. The make-up is done in Peen Slayer HQ – Free. The make-up artists, brilliantly talented, probably already work for Channel Ten – Free. Entry to the bowling club – Free. A chicken shnitty at the bowling club – 8 bucks.
We are about to be entertained for twenty minutes on something Channel Ten spent 8 bucks on. GENIUS.
They play bingo. The dance. They give us the hottest pash I’ve seen so far in the history of The Bachelor franchise:
Richie breakdances and is actually pretty fucking hilarious and I’m a sucker for a funny dude so if Bachie Queen would like to please send him in my direction that would be much appreciated by my Big Top.
‘Old people make-up time’ over, they head to a Magic Sex Couch at Peen Slayer HQ and talk about feelings and family etc etc etc. There’s some very dodgy editing where one second Richie has a rose, then he doesn’t, then he does again (#BudgetBachie). Bachie Queen goes in for a pash, and, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t? This guy is cute and if I wasn’t hoping for a dramatic, post-show “I’m not really a Professional Soccer Player” reveal with that other dude, I’d really want Richie to win.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Okay, well, it’s obvious that Davey, the little knobcloud who kissed Bachie Queen without her consent, is the one who is going home tonight. If he hadn’t already had a rose last night, he would have gone then. But this leaves us with zero tension or suspense for tonight’s Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony.
Woop – wait a sec… “NOT ON OUR WATCH” says Channel Ten.
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
Ah. They know we all know who’s going, so they’re putting in a sad, last-minute effort to drum up some DRAMAAAAH:
Bachie Queen has had a revelation! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) She knows what she wants from a man! (SHOTS OF PEOPLE LOOKING SERIOUS) She can’t wait until the Rose Ceremony! (MORE DRAMATIC MUSIC) She needs to talk to Davey now! (THUNDERBOLTS ETC)
They go to a Magic Sex Couch, but in this case, it’s a Magic Break-Up-Before-The-Rose-Ceremony-To-Make-Things-Seem-Exciting-Even-Though-They’re-Not couch.
Bachie Queen basically tells Davey she thinks he a knobcloud. He’s offended. So, to give him one last chance, she asks him to explain what he likes about her, and what it is about her that makes him want to be there.
He replies that he can’t answer that, because he’s not used to ‘so much pressure’.
Her response face is perfection.
We cut to commercial, and I’d like to say everyone is on the edge of their seats but… C’mon. We all know what’s going to happen here. This whole situation has about as much suspense as sex with one of my ex-boyfriends. (Good luck working that one out, fellas!)
Yep. Back from commercial, and…
Oshie arrives early at the Cocktail Party. He tells the other Peen Owners, with his best “I’m very good at looking sad and surprised by this not at all sad and surprising news” face, that Davey has been sent home before the Rose Ceremony:
Everyone else pretends to be sad and surprised.
There is no Rose Ceremony tonight. Bachie Queen, also overcome with being so sad and surprised at this desperate last-minute injection of drama, has already left Peen Palace.
The “I’m not actually a Professional Soccer Player” bombshell better damn well drop next week. That, or send the International Model back in to flip a table. Can we PLEASE get one table-flip in 2015? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
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