Once again (AGAIN), we open on Peen Palace and are forced to endure the Peen Owners draaaaaging out the conversation about who will go on what date and where, instead of just finding the fuck out who will go on what date and where.
Then – TWIST! – Oshie’s Hair arrives and informs the two least popular contestants (Davey and some other guy whose name probably doesn’t matter so I’ll just call him The Other Guy) that they’ll be going on a ‘fight to the death’ date, in which two venture out, but only one will come back. GASP! (Well, for the Peen Owners, not really for us, since Channel Ten has been promoting the shit out of this Death Match Date all week).
Sasha, poor darling, is momentarily stupefied by the maths involved, and keeps asking if only one rose for two people means one person is going home.
Lucky Oshie’s Hair stuck around for this envelope opening, so he can explain the logisitics to any Peen Owners having trouble keeping up.
DEATH MATCH DATE TIME!
The two Peen Owners are sent into battle via an inflatable boat. I know Davey is on the left, but out of the other two guys I honestly couldn’t tell you which one is the driver and which one is part of the show.
OH MY GLOB YESSSSSS. The Death Match Date is not only on a yacht, but on a SUPER YACHT.
Bachie Queen even makes a point of calling it a SUPER YACHT so we know that it’s a SUPER YACHT. Money is falling from the skies y’all! Feminist Channel Ten Overlord Sandra Sully knows where the dollars should be spent: On helping a sister slay as much peen as possible.
Okay, this Death Match Date is boring. They’re pitching it to us as, “Davey is really immature, and The Other Guy is really mature, so… that’s why this is interesting.” That would only work if the date was interesting.
They do casino stuff. There’s lots of ‘THIS IS VERY SERIOUS BECAUSE THE TWO PEEN OWNERS ARE SO DIFFERENT’ music. Also lots of shots of them looking at each other with VERY SERIOUS FACES. I think the producers want us to know that THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.
Davey interrupts The Other Guy’s alone time. The Other Guy retaliates by interrupting Davey’s alone time. It is all VERY TENSE AND SERIOUS.
Memo received Channel Ten: THIS IS A VERY TENSE AND SERIOUS DATE.
Obviously, The Other Guy whose name I don’t remember is not chosen. He is promptly pushed overboard, since any budget allocated to return transportation was spent on the Super Yacht.
And just when we’re all starting to think, “Well, yeah okay, I guess Davey is kind of sweet and probably deserved to win over that Other Guy,” he pulls the BIGGEST DICK MOVE EVER.