So we open – AGAIN – on the Girl Prisoners just hanging out in the Girl Mansion – AGAIN – speculating on who will be getting a date this week. AGAIN.
Seriously, remember when every episode used to open with the current Bachie looking out over various bodies of water while doing serious thinking? I MISS SERIOUS BEACH THINKING! What has happened? No budget to drive to the beach? Dickie Bach doesn’t have any thoughts to seriously think while shirtless?
I’m so over watching these girls talk and talk and taaaaaaaalk. Some brunette one, whose name is lost on me, is talking about her chances of staying. I feel bad that nobody’s told her she has brown hair and that scares Dickie Bach so she’s probs going asap.
Oshie comes. Hands out a date card. Rachel gets it. Same old shit.
Ugh - we know The Intruders are coming so can we PLEASE just skip ahead to that dramaaah?
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SINGLE DATE TIME!
Um… Wowsers. They’re spending the day on what looks like a boat they probably found in that junkyard from Making a Murderer. The little speed boat Rachel turned up in looks way safer. I would not be getting off that speedboat.
It’s meant to be a charming ‘tall ship', but really, it just looks like they didn’t have the damn cash to put this date on a super yacht. WOULD ONE LITTLE SUPER YACHT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH TO ASK? I mean, seriously, ARE THEY JUST TROLLING US NOW:
They must be trolling us.
They couldn’t even be bothered to set up a proper Magic Sex Couch. It just looks like Dickie Bach and Rachel are sitting on a couple of buckets they plonked down on the deck, along with a random blanket. Someone really could not be fucked this week:
Blah blah blah talking talking “She’s always honest with me” yeah alright settle down Dickie this is the second conversation you’ve ever had. They climb some ladders up to the Crow’s Nest, and don’t seem nervous enough about the boat’s structural integrity, as far as I'm concerned. I think some producers are secretly hoping someone will fall so they can claim the show’s insurance. CHA-CHING.
Boring boring boring they go for a swim etc blah boring. I just want the intruders to come so we can watch everybody FLIP THE FUCK OUT. We may - praise be to Oprah - even get an actual table flip. They kiss. He gives her a rose. And I seriously can’t tell, with her bronde hair, if she’s a serious contender or not. The blonde half says yes, but the brunette half says no.
Who cares, really. INVADER TIME!
It’s a garden party at the Girl Prison, and the Girl Prisoners don’t know that while they’re drinking sparkling (c’mon - we know there’s no way that’s actual champagne), Dickie Bach is off on a date with THE INTRUDERS. The OTHERS. Those who SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO CROSS THE BORDERS.
We let them get drunk while we go see the OTHERS.
Hahahahahaha this actually cannot be real. All three girls are blonde (well, there’s a bronde one in there, but it still counts), and all three are some kind of representation of a male fantasy. Intruder #1 (The Sexy Model Girl Intruder) drives in on quad bike, wearing a wet, white tank top, while electric guitar plays. It’s like a photoshoot from FHM Magazine. She tells Dickie Bach she’s a model. He tells her she’s hot. Seriously. That is their exchange.