We open on the Girl Prison, at NIGHT, probably because this is straight after last night’s rose ceremony and they decided to just keep filming to save money. Hey, when you’re hanging Magic Sex Couches from cranes instead of plonking in them public parks with a few sad candles, you gotta make sure you’re saving dolla bills somewhere.
Oshie, who so far this season has said about 32 words total, all of a sudden turns up and launches into some philosophical monologue about how love has been taken over by technology something something too much texting let’s go back to the good old days when people wrote things down and looked at each other and the fire brigade was just a bunch of dudes with buckets. (SAYS THE GUY WHO WEARS AN APPLE WATCH AND A FIT BIT AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. #NeverForget)
The Single Date Card is read out, and oh joy, it looks like this is going to be another episode with a lot of manufactured DRAMAAAH, because we spend at least five minutes listening to harsh violin music while Super Villain Keira de Vil talks about how much she wants the Single Date, and we all know that she will not be getting the Single Date, and they let that drag on for a while to kill time before the break, and....
It goes to….
Huh? Faith? WHO THE FUCK IS FAITH?
Seriously, this girl might be the ultimate shrug on the top of the shrug pile. I have never seen this woman in my life. I’m about as shocked looking at her as I will be looking at what’s under my pubes if I ever bother to shave them. Both are never-before-seen mysteries to me.
When ¯\_(ツ)_/¯'s name was announced, Super Villain Keira de Vil seemed as confused as me, if not more so.
Lots of “Wait? He’s dating other girls? You mean this is a dating show? I didn’t sign up for that when I signed up for this! How dare Channel Ten deceive us! There's still going to be gossip stories about me in Daily Mail, right?” etc etc etc.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Dickie Bach and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ are having a ‘James Bond’ themed date, which basically just means Dickie Bach is wearing a tuxedo and driving a speedboat.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ asks if it’s a yacht, and look, Oprah bless her, I wouldn’t really know the difference either. I would however, know that a shitty little speedboat is standard #BudgetBachie bullshit, and we had better see a seaplane/catamaran quick fucking smart. I cannot go back to the crisis of 2015. I WON'T.
He takes her to a Magic Sex Couch plonked at a generic waterfront location (OH GOD, THE MONEY IS RUNNING OUT), where Dennis, one of the top ten bartenders in the world, is forced to perform tricks for them while his leg is chained under the bar. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ says something about that time she poured beers being similar and Dennis is pretty much fucking done with this gig.
Dickie Bach says ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is very pretty, but he wants to know if there’s more under the surface that they can develop a deeper connection with. So they get into their swimmers and wrestle over a basketball in the pool.