Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 4: Do not cut Super Villain Keira de Vil.

We open on the Girl Prison, at NIGHT, probably because this is straight after last night’s rose ceremony and they decided to just keep filming to save money. Hey, when you’re hanging Magic Sex Couches from cranes instead of plonking in them public parks with a few sad candles, you gotta make sure you’re saving dolla bills somewhere.

Oshie, who so far this season has said about 32 words total, all of a sudden turns up and launches into some philosophical monologue about how love has been taken over by technology something something too much texting let’s go back to the good old days when people wrote things down and looked at each other and the fire brigade was just a bunch of dudes with buckets. (SAYS THE GUY WHO WEARS AN APPLE WATCH AND A FIT BIT AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. #NeverForget)

The Single Date Card is read out, and oh joy, it looks like this is going to be another episode with a lot of manufactured DRAMAAAH, because we spend at least five minutes listening to harsh violin music while Super Villain Keira de Vil talks about how much she wants the Single Date, and we all know that she will not be getting the Single Date, and they let that drag on for a while to kill time before the break, and....

It goes to….


Seriously, this girl might be the ultimate shrug on the top of the shrug pile. I have never seen this woman in my life. I’m about as shocked looking at her as I will be looking at what’s under my pubes if I ever bother to shave them. Both are never-before-seen mysteries to me.


When ¯\_(ツ)_/¯'s name was announced, Super Villain Keira de Vil seemed as confused as me, if not more so.

Lots of “Wait? He’s dating other girls? You mean this is a dating show? I didn’t sign up for that when I signed up for this! How dare Channel Ten deceive us! There's still going to be gossip stories about me in Daily Mail, right?” etc etc etc.


Dickie Bach and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ are having a ‘James Bond’ themed date, which basically just means Dickie Bach is wearing a tuxedo and driving a speedboat.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ asks if it’s a yacht, and look, Oprah bless her, I wouldn’t really know the difference either. I would however, know that a shitty little speedboat is standard #BudgetBachie bullshit, and we had better see a seaplane/catamaran quick fucking smart. I cannot go back to the crisis of 2015. I WON'T.

He takes her to a Magic Sex Couch plonked at a generic waterfront location (OH GOD, THE MONEY IS RUNNING OUT), where Dennis, one of the top ten bartenders in the world, is forced to perform tricks for them while his leg is chained under the bar. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ says something about that time she poured beers being similar and Dennis is pretty much fucking done with this gig.

Dickie Bach says ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is very pretty, but he wants to know if there’s more under the surface that they can develop a deeper connection with. So they get into their swimmers and wrestle over a basketball in the pool.


What a deep, deep connection.

They get out of the pool and share a couple of beers on a Magic Sex Couch, which means Dennis clearly went, "FUCK THIS," and bailed to go back to serving cocktails at Mariah Carey’s Mariah Carey-themed dinner parties.

Blah blah blah emotions tell me about you blah blah blah. Dickie Bach finds the ‘deeper connection’ he was looking for, when
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ says she’s been single for 18 months in her entire adult life and that’s all she needed to 'find herself'. Well, somebody tell Oprah to retire, a girl called ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ has solved happiness.

They kiss, but Dickie Bach is not going to let another kiss-hap rejection like last night happen, so he’s developed a very clear, slightly creepy “I AM GOING TO KISS YOU NOW” face. Observe:

They kiss. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ gets a rose. Boring. The end.


ERMERGERD. Ert’s Ser Bering. They go to a fancy hall that I’m pretty sure we’ve seen in every season so far. They’re getting a ballroom dancing lesson. So, you know, gripping television for all of us.

Oshie’s Hair, who clearly knows this date has been phoned in by some hung over producer, hasn’t even bothered to change out of yesterday's pants.

Apparently there’s going to be a ‘Dance-off’, with the winner taking Dickie Bach’s Dickie Peen to a private Cinderella Ball, and obvi we only want to see Super Villain Keira de Vil dance because everybody else is boring af, so we rush through all the nobodies and end on her glorious dip.


She nailed it. Which we know she knows because she says, “I nailed it.” Please let her never figure out what modesty is.

She wins the private Cinderella Ball with Dickie Bach’s Dickie Peen, and her face in victory is better than mine when I orgasm from KFC - kind of confused, but glad it happened.

Of course, she doesn’t like it.

She immediately realises that this is kind of a shitty prize, because getting this half-arsed date crammed onto the backend of a group date means she now won't get a proper single date. And she’s right, that would be annoying. It's like the kid born two days before Christmas who always gets combined presents. Presents are great, but still... C'MON.

CUT TO DRAMAAAH: all the other Girl Prisoners are totes mad that Super Villain Keira de Vil isn't grateful enough to be spending time with their communal peen. Because Oprah forbid a woman knows what she deserves and is vocal about it. HOW DARE SHE NOT PRETEND TO BE HAPPY ABOUT DATING A MAN WITH 21 OTHER GIRLFRIENDS? HOW DARE SHE COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT GETTING ENOUGH TIME WITH HIM? HOW DARE SHE BE SMART ENOUGH TO PLAY THE VILLAIN SO THAT HER FAME WILL LAST WAY LONGER THAN ANYBODY ELSE’S?

Look, they won't end up together, but aint none of us gonna forget Keira in a hurry. I cannot wait to see her on club opening red carpets for years to come. Girl has played this smart.


She gets put in a ball gown. Dickie Bach takes her by horse and definitely not horse-torturing carriage to another location with a Magic Love Couch. There’s some violinists who are definitely currently wishing they had studied computer coding instead of music.

End date.

And then, of course, more manufactured DRAMAAAH:

So here’s what I can decipher: Keira walks into the Girl Prison in her ball gown with a rose and all the other Girl Prisoners, who definitely aren’t being bitchy at all, are barely able to hide their shock that this girl they hate so much could possibly have any redeeming qualities that would make Dickie Bach want to keep her around. Lovely. Then Quirky Eliza is all like, “You weren’t grateful enough that you got to spend time with our communal peen” and Keira is like, “GET IN THE BIN BITCH” and eats her face.

That’s the basic gist of it.


The DRAMAAAH of tonight’s Sparkly Hunger Games of Death is that Super Villain Keira de Vil doesn’t want to talk about what happened, but Eliza really wants to talk about what happened, because Eliza defs doesn’t want any drama you guys, so she’s just going to quickly rehash some drama.

And then, because she’s a soundbite queen from TV heaven, Super Villain Keira de Vil looks straight into the camera and says, “I may forgive, but I will NEVER forget.”

She truly is the Princess Grace of our times.


Some other crap blah blah blah but who really cares when Super Villain Keira de Vil could cut a basic bitch at any moment. She doesn’t, but gah - the suspense is worth it.


Since ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ got the Single Date tonight, I’ve accepted that I only recognise about three Girl Prisoners on this show. It's just a sea of blonde women from Perth. Funny, since Dickie Bach says he likes blondes and he's from Perth.

Yup - two more brunettes go. I don’t know who they are but DAMN - the brunettes are dropping like FLIES.


I hope to all that is holy in Oprah heaven that that means Super Villain Keira de Vil will be staying a while. Because I'm pretty sure they blew the whole budget on that stupid crane, and with no money, and no Keira... I don't even want to think about it.

Next week: The Girl Prisoners read Malala Yousafzai's memoir for book club!

Lol jks. There's no book club.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.


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