Annnnnd we’re back. Episode 3 traditionally sees the Girl Prisoners humiliate themselves in some kind of physical challenge in which they must compete for Dickie Bach’s peen, so this should be an important viewing experience for women, on par with Emma Watson’s formal address to the UN.
Wooop woop – looks like it’s time to rehash some DRAMAAAH: The Channel Ten editors cannot believe how much they lucked out with Super Villain Keira de Vil this year, so we open tonight’s ep with a reminder that Super Villain Keira de Vil is a Super Villain, who probably feasts on the raw hearts of puppies, while laughing at Youtube footage of orphans talking about how much they wish they had parents.
We get a total replay of last week’s DRAMAAAH, in which Super Villain Keira de Vil got mad at Innocent and Lovely Single Mum Alex about something random that I didn’t really understand. They both had a lot to say about the DRAMAAAH:
Super Villain Keira de Vil Super Villain-ness once again established, we cut to the Girl Prisoners in the Girl Prison just casually hanging around the pool being totally casual, definitely not all conveniently in the same place at the same time because Oshie is about to turn up-
IT’S OSHIE!
Hair: On Point.
Outfit: On Point. With an Apple Watch AND a Fitbit. Both tracking devices planted by Queen Sully.
Explaining skills for the Girl Prisoners who are confused about the rules of polygamy: On Point.
Some rando Girl Prisoner lets the others know that Megan who really likes free-diving has scored the date. Super Villain Keira de Vil claps and smiles along with everything else, but that isn’t villain-y enough, so the editors helpfully add some sinister music. And, you know, she’s wearing black so… EVIL.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Dickie Bach thoughtfully drives himself to the date in a very fancy car (we get it guys, you’ve got cash this year, no more Nissans, SWEET RIDES ONLY). I can only assume Megan hitched a ride in the back of the van used to take Oshie from his Channel Ten dungeon to the Girl Prison each day. Dickie Bach and Girl Prisoner #7 are having a picnic overlooking the sea, but because Queen Sandra Sully released the funds this year, THEY’RE DOING IT HANGING FROM A CRANE, BITCHEZ.
MONEY.
I have some questions about this scenario:
a) how the hell did they get on the money picnic crane
b) was Megan actually serious when she said to Dickie Bach, “I can’t believe you thought of this!”
c) Why did Megan have her arm around Dickie Bach and not that MASSIVE BOWL OF LINDT BALLS?
That's more like it.
Blaaaah talk talk love something talk free diving talk. Nothing. It’s the conversation equivalent of this:
Back at the Girl Prison, the Group Date Card arrives, and Super Villain Keira de Vil reads the names and is quite lovely and fun about it and that’s not sticking to the Super Villain theme and this is NOT ON BRAND so we quickly cut back to Dickie Bach and one of the blonde girls from WA.
AND WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Megan just committed the ULTIMATE Bachelor sin - she denied the incredibly generous offer of a Dickie Bach pash.
Could it be?
You DARE reject a kiss?
YES - PROOF: THERE IS A GAPING VAGINA-LIKE HOLE BETWEEN THEIR FACES.
THAT IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF BACHIE RULES. ONE MUST ALWAYS ACCEPT A KISS WITHOUT QUESTION.
HOW VERY DARE SHE. Doesn’t she know that she’s in the ultimate battle for Dickie Peen? And when Dickie Bach requests a kiss from you, YOU DAMN WELL OBLIGE.
Then, and I actually can’t believe this, Dickie Bach says to the camera in his alone time, “What was going through her mind? Who knows...”
How shocking that a man who currently has 22 women competing for his peen would be confused when he doesn’t get the kiss he wants. Being the ultimate Peen Prize in a sparkly polygamous battle to the death definitely wouldn’t go to a guy’s head…
Oh, but DON’T PANIC EVERYONE - they talk some random shit about nature and then Dickie Bach gets his way after all:
THE UNIVERSE HAS RIGHTED ITSELF. I would’ve pashed the Lindt Balls.
GROUP DATE TIME!
YES OMFG IT’S ROLLER DERBY WHICH MEANS THE PRODUCERS JUST WANT THE GIRL PRISONERS TO BEAT EACH OTHER UP WHILE WEARING ROLLER SKATES I’M DYING THIS IS HEAVEN. No more ‘ fun activity’ pretence. Why bother? The Humiliating Physical Challenge Group Date is literally just about watching the Girl Prisoners hurt each other in an attempt to win some Dickie Bach Peen. I say next year they just make it a Fight Club and be done with it.
And just as I’m thinking that all I want to see is Super Villain Keira de Vil bash some bitches, she declares that she’s a princess, this isn’t her thing, and… That she’d like to go to bed.
All the other Girl Prisoners squeal and pretend to be really excited about something they definitely don’t want to do, and Super Villain Keira de Vil just looks unimpressed and says she wants to go to bed. I say again: I think I’m in love with this woman.
Oh. Holy. Oprah. As if the indignity of this situation couldn’t be any worse, the producers decide to add a humiliating cherry to the top of this mortifying cake:
THEY MAKE THEM DO IT IN SUMO SUITS. (But not before we get to see the hot pants they’re all wearing underneath.)
Women. In Sumo Suits. On Roller Skates. Bashing each other. To compete for half an hour with a man who is dating all of them at once. My vagina is beaming with pride.
Super Villain Keira de Vil spends close to the entire time on the floor, waving her arms and legs around like a sad, glorious tortoise stuck on its back.
One team wins. It makes no difference to me. The one without Keira. They head off to the private peen party with Dickie Bach, where we get about 30 seconds each with a bunch of Girl Prisoners who are definitely not going to win. It’s like a reject production line of conversations with Dickie Bach.
End date.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Okay, so, tonight’s Cocktail Party DRAMAAAH has something to do with someone telling someone who told someone that they totally heard from someone that someone was saying that Megan kissed Dickie Bach on their date. Cue lots of: “WHAT! How could she betray us like that?!? He kisses the girls on the dates? You mean he’s dating all of us and not just me? Why didn’t Oshie’s Hair explain the rules of this game more clearly?!?!”
Then Megan comes back from chatting to Dickie Bach and she’s all “I can’t believe someone told.” And then nothing happens. Seriously. That’s it - just some sinister music to indicate DRAMAAAH. Allow me to explain the formula to you:
Simple.
Next DRAMAAAH:
Innocent and Lovely Single Mum Alex doesn’t use her Secret Sex Room White Rose, which gives her alone-time access to Dickie Bach, but Dickie Bach takes her to the Secret Sex Room anyway, and then the Girl Prisoners get, like, totes mad you guys. Lots of shots of annoyed faces/serious music et etc etc. So basically just more non-drama DRAMAAAH. Oh god, what will we do when Keira goes?
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie explains that some randoms we’ve barely seen and therefore don’t care about will be going tonight.
He’s right. Two girls I don’t recognise plus the unicorn who loves rainbows are booted. Oshie explains to them that in failing to win the love of a man, they have failed at their core purpose as women. It’s time to go.
Until tomorrow night!!
Rosie Waterland is a writer and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. Or, buy her critically acclaimed, nationally bestselling book (no biggie), The Anti Cool Girl, right here.
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2016 Bachelorettes
