O. M. F. G BURGERS!!! We are so close to the end of this Sparkly Polygamous Fight To The Death that I can practically taste it. And it tastes like Chocolate Diarrhea Sex Bath, mixed with a little of the protein paste that Queen Sandra Sully lets Oshie eat to stay alive down in the Channel Ten dungeon.
Our opening scene is Classic Bachie: Dickie Bach doing some very serious Work-Out Thinking by a large body of water.
Water = Much important thinking. CLASSIC BACH.
He’s just now realising that at the end of this whole thing, he only gets to take one prize home. He may only select ONE Lady-Garden in which to plant his ginger peen!! The injustice of this is hitting him hard, you guys. Just a few weeks ago he had 22 girlfriends. Now he has three. And he’s expected to end up with only ONE? Say WHAT now?
"Say fucking what now? Ooly roo bananas meat pie with sauce fair dinkum?"
Middle-class, straight, white men just can’t catch a bloody break. So to make it up to him, Channel Ten is going to fly Dickie Bach and his remaining blonde sister-wives to a special overseas location so that he can clear his head and decide which two of the remaining three Girl Prisoners he would like to introduce to his mum and sister.
So that’s tonight’s Humiliating Challenge - convince Dickie Bach you are woman enough to meet his family. Three will go in, BUT ONLY TWO WILL COME OUT.
And what is the most exotic, classy, overseas location a Fair Dinkum Aussie can go to?
Bali, of course! (Plus, it’s the closest overseas place that isn’t New Zealand and sponsor Air Asia is clearly paying for the whole thing so… Budget Shmudget!)
AIR ASIA AIR ASIA AIR ASI - Ah, fuck it - you get the joke.
Dickie Bach is super worldly and travelled you guys - he’s been to Indonesia like, two times before. He owns several Bin Tang singlets and everything, so, you know, he’s practically a local. He thinks this will be the perfect place to tell one of his final three girlfriends that she is an unlovable loser who might as well not have a uterus because no man will ever want to stick it to her.
And because this is going to be a time-filler episode before the finale where everything actually happens, we get a recap of the three lucky Girl Prisoners who have managed to battle their way almost to the finish line.
Blonde Girl Number One: Nikki
The obvious winner. Blonde. Seems like a completely normal human being. Lives in WA. Doesn’t have human spawn to take care of. Aced pretty much every humiliating challenge, particularly the ones in which she had to prove she was skilled at important female pursuits, like cooking and loving a man.
Blonde Girl Number Two: Alex
Will be the runner-up, and could at any point over the final two episodes take off with Dickie Bach tied up in the back of unmarked rental van. Slightly obsessed. Blonde. Has unfortunately had an entire human head in her vaginal canal, which Dickie Bach ominously keeps saying gives him “a lot to consider.” Damn that Gap-Year baby.