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Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 15: In which Dickie Bach sets a woman free in Bali.

O. M. F. G BURGERS!!! We are so close to the end of this Sparkly Polygamous Fight To The Death that I can practically taste it. And it tastes like Chocolate Diarrhea Sex Bath, mixed with a little of the protein paste that Queen Sandra Sully lets Oshie eat to stay alive down in the Channel Ten dungeon.

Our opening scene is Classic Bachie: Dickie Bach doing some very serious Work-Out Thinking by a large body of water.

Water = Much important thinking. CLASSIC BACH.

He’s just now realising that at the end of this whole thing, he only gets to take one prize home. He may only select ONE Lady-Garden in which to plant his ginger peen!! The injustice of this is hitting him hard, you guys. Just a few weeks ago he had 22 girlfriends. Now he has three. And he’s expected to end up with only ONE? Say WHAT now?

"Say fucking what now? Ooly roo bananas meat pie with sauce fair dinkum?"

Middle-class, straight, white men just can’t catch a bloody break. So to make it up to him, Channel Ten is going to fly Dickie Bach and his remaining blonde sister-wives to a special overseas location so that he can clear his head and decide which two of the remaining three Girl Prisoners he would like to introduce to his mum and sister.

So that’s tonight’s Humiliating Challenge - convince Dickie Bach you are woman enough to meet his family. Three will go in, BUT ONLY TWO WILL COME OUT.

And what is the most exotic, classy, overseas location a Fair Dinkum Aussie can go to?

Bali, of course! (Plus, it’s the closest overseas place that isn’t New Zealand and sponsor Air Asia is clearly paying for the whole thing so… Budget Shmudget!)

AIR ASIA AIR ASIA AIR ASI - Ah, fuck it - you get the joke.

Dickie Bach is super worldly and travelled you guys - he’s been to Indonesia like, two times before. He owns several Bin Tang singlets and everything, so, you know, he’s practically a local. He thinks this will be the perfect place to tell one of his final three girlfriends that she is an unlovable loser who might as well not have a uterus because no man will ever want to stick it to her.

And because this is going to be a time-filler episode before the finale where everything actually happens, we get a recap of the three lucky Girl Prisoners who have managed to battle their way almost to the finish line.

Blonde Girl Number One: Nikki

The obvious winner. Blonde. Seems like a completely normal human being. Lives in WA. Doesn’t have human spawn to take care of. Aced pretty much every humiliating challenge, particularly the ones in which she had to prove she was skilled at important female pursuits, like cooking and loving a man.

Blonde Girl Number Two: Alex

Will be the runner-up, and could at any point over the final two episodes take off with Dickie Bach tied up in the back of unmarked rental van. Slightly obsessed. Blonde. Has unfortunately had an entire human head in her vaginal canal, which Dickie Bach ominously keeps saying gives him “a lot to consider.” Damn that Gap-Year baby.

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Blonde Girl Number Three: Olena

I reckon she’ll get booted tonight. Dickie Bach is confused by her, because she doesn’t leap straight for his peen whenever they’re alone. She quite clearly has never had to pursue a guy before, and she obviously finds the whole process undignified and beneath her. Despite the fact they’ve never had an actual whole human conversation, Dickie Bach has brought her this far because she’s phenomenally gorgeous - Oh wait, I’m sorry - because she has ‘quiet confidence’ that he finds ‘intriguing’. But the second she leaves this place she’ll upgrade from ‘make-up artist’ to ‘model’ and she’ll be fine.

Let the shameless last-minute begging begin!!

ALEX’S CHANCE TO PROVE HER WOMANHOOD:

Beaches/Beaches/Monkey/Temple/Monkey/Beaches/Man on Motorbike etc etc etc. Channel Ten does an excellent job of showing us all the important parts of Bali, so it’s obvious to us we’re in exotic Bali.

They go on a bike ride, talk about feelings blah blah blah. Alex can’t believe how lucky she is that her boyfriend brought her to this place to help him decide if he actually wants to be with her. The ‘I don’t want a kid’ codewords keep popping up: “There’s a lot to consider. A lot to consider.” They sit on a Magic Sex Couch log and have one of their gross, off-putting pash-sesions.

They transfer to a different Magic Sex Couch, where the “There’s a lot to consider” codewords drop about a hundred times. It’s kind of at the point now where maybe he should just stop saying ‘there’s a lot to consider” and maybe just, I dunno, start actually considering it. Alex comes with human spawn. Would you like that human spawn getting in your way when you’re trying to pose on the red carpet at club openings? YES OR NO?

We leave Alex and Dickie Bach, while he keeps talking about considering all the things that he has to consider.

NIKKI’S CHANCE TO PROVE HER WOMANHOOD:

Ugh. Okay, this is probably going to be boring because she’s clearly the winner, plus she’s just a normal person with no spawn to talk about and no ‘quiet confidence’ to bamboozle Dickie Bach so we’re just going to watch them hang out in super-exotic Bali while being in love.

UGH STOP IT JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

Annnnnnd yep - if we spend too much time with these two alone, their desperation to touch special places for eternity will be way too obvious, so the producers chuck them on some rides that prevent from being able to look directly at each other:

See! They might not be in love! She might not win! There’s still suspense in this game!

But then we cut to this:

Look at that face. HE’S OBSESSED.

Okay let’s just move on to Olena so we can watch her not take his bullshit and him be confused by her not taking his bullshit.

OLENA’S CHANCE TO PROVE HER WOMANHOOD:

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But first - Rice Field/Monkey/Rice Field/Temple/Beach/Man on Motorbike/Monkey. Just in case you forgot we’re in EXOTIC, CULTURALLY MYSTERIOUS BALI.

And - OMFG HOLY OPRAH I CANNOT BELIEVE IT - before he picks up Olena for their date, Dickie Bach says the most honest, self-aware thing I’ve ever heard him say on this show: “I’m so attracted to her, I’m worried it’s blinding me from the bigger picture.”

Um… NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK. Your brain has been in a Seinfeld-esq game of chess with your peen, and it looks like your brain is finally taking the lead. Dickie Bach and Olena are not meant to be - he doesn’t understand why she isn’t desperately pursuing him, and she doesn’t understand why he isn’t desperately pursuing her. IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK.

Well, this should be a fun!

They go surfing, but it’s really just time-filler before they have what is going to be a super awkward conversation about how she’s not that into him, and he’s really confused about how she’s not that into him.

OKAY THE CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING. So, basically, she just says very rational things that a rational person would say in a situation like this. She tells him that her parents weren’t super thrilled with him, because, you know, he’s forced their daughter to compete for his peen against 22 other women, while locking them together in a Girl Prison. Dickie Bach seems completely confused by how any parents could not love him and consider him the ultimate catch:

“They didn’t like you much, tbh.” “Um, how is that even possible? I talk in such adorable, nonsensical Aussie slang.”

She then tells him that she lives in Sydney, and is not despo enough to move to Perth to be with him. Never having considered that he wold need to compromise for the woman he ends up with, Dickie Bach seems very bamboozled by this:

"But… I live in Perth. How have you not moved there already just to prove your love?”

I get it. The minute she found out Dickie Bach was from Perth, Alex burnt her Melbourne home to the ground, hijacked the first car she saw and didn’t slow down until she hit WA. So to now sit here and hear this other girl say she won’t even consider moving there? No wonder Dickie Bach is confused.

We then cut to Olena talking to the camera in what I consider one of the greatest shade-throwing moments of empowerment this season:

YASSSS KWEEN. FUCK IT! DON’T BOTHER! While the other two girls are crying into the camera, talking about how lucky they are to have found the greatest man alive, Olena just says, “I see that as a huge mess for me.”

I’m dying. I’m dead. RIP me. I love Olena.

They then move to a Magic Sex Couch in a different location, and the entire rest of the date is just Dickie Bach trying to get Olena to say that she loves him like the other girls have, and Olena refusing to do that.

"SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME."

"Ew. No."

Dickie starts to get visibly pissed off. He keeps saying that she’s not ‘meeting him halfway’ when it comes to talking about her feelings. But I think the actual problem isn’t that she’s not talking about her feelings, it’s that she doesn’t have the desperate feelings of love for him that the other girls have. And Dickie Bach no get that. Dickie Bach no compute.

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OMG THIS IS HEAVEN: She tells him she thinks it may be too much of a hassle for them to have a relationship, because they live so far apart. He looks furious. OMG I THINK I’M CLIMAXING: She tells him that he’s living in a fairytale, and this is real shit, and you can’t just say you love someone and all the logistical problems - like living thousands of miles apart - disappear. He looks like he wants to smash the glass in his hand. He can’t believe a woman is talking to him this way. THIS MAY BE ONE OF THE BEST BACHELOR MOMENTS I’VE EVER SEEN.

OLENA HAS GONE ROGUE. REPEAT: OLENA HAS GONE ROGUE. A Girl Prisoner has found a strong sense of self-worth and is refusing to obsess over Dickie Bach. Oh Holy Oprah, it looks like his brain is malfunctioning. He actually cannot take it. It’s like he’s on the verge of tears/a temper tantrum. He’s acting like a bit of a dick, to be honest.

"What the FUCK is happening right now?"

She broke him. Olena broke The Bachelor’s brain. And oh my gosh it was glorious. She will quite clearly be going home tonight, but wowsers - what a way to go. Anybody who almost makes the Bachie cry in frustration by refusing to put up with his shit deserves to take a freaking bow.

“I see that as a huge mess for me” is officially my new life motto. It will be my reply to every request I don't like.

Olena. Unimpressed until the end. My hero.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Well let’s just get this over with so Olena can be set free.

Annnnnd yup: Olena is booted. Dickie Bach’s brain has had emergency re-wiring since their date, and he has calmed down enough to be able to take her outside for a private chat.

He says he needs to ‘follow his heart’ and she looks thrilled to be getting the fuck out of Bali. She gives him a hug, the subtext of which seems to be, “I am so glad this is the last time I ever have to be around you.” Then she gets in the car, and is gone. Dickie Bach is back to only having desperate obsessives around him, just as it should be. That was a scary date with Olena and all of her rational thinking. HE DID NOT LIKE IT.

Tomorrow night: THE LAST ONE I WILL EVER WRITE! Dickie Bach and Nikki get rid of that pesky ‘Alex’ problem. Should be a doozy.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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