Alright you guys, Channel Ten really, REALLY wants you to know that this is like, a totes serious episode, with lots of serious music and lots of emotions and lots of shots of Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex’s face twitching in desperation. THIS IS HOMETOWNS, MY FRIENDS, and nothing says ‘serious’ on The Bachelor more than forcing our chosen Peen to confront the families of the women he’s been polygamously dating for two months.

Now the chances of the only brunette surviving this Hometown Thunderdome are slim. I think we all know Rachel has gone about as far as she can with her severe genetic defect, so I’m predicting she’s booted by the end of the night. Now let’s go watch our contestants hang out in some definitely-not-rented-by-Channel-Ten houses!

Find all of Rosie’s previous Bachelor recaps here.

But first, to prove that Dickie Bach is defs taking this whole thing seriously, and is defs thinking about all feelings of all four girls he’s dating, we watch him doing some serious thinking while looking at the thing that makes him happiest:

"I love you Dickie. Aw thanks Dickie I love you too. We look so good today." *winks*

Then he makes a ‘serious thinking’ smoothie, but the editors DO NOT show us any brand names, so I’m assuming whichever company makes that blender refused to pony up any cash.

Um... But how do we know what blender to buy? HOW DO WE KNOW?

AHHHHHHH FINALLY! DICKIE BACH THEN TAKES HIS NON-PRODUCT PLACEMENT SMOOTHIE AND SITS BY THE POOL TO DO SOME SERIOUS THINKING WHILE GAZING OUT AT A BODY OF WATER!!!

We have waited FAR too long for this kind of ‘I’m sensitive and pensive and really hoping whoever I pick likes the look of my peen’ shot. Things are getting serious.

Serious thinking while looking at body of water = things are getting serious.

Well, there aint no time money to waste (and Dickie Bach probably did about all the thinking he could muster), so we are jumping right in to the HOMETOWN THUNDERDOME.

Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex’s Hometown Thunderdome:

Alex is from the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, which, besides once having had an entire head in her vaginal canal, is going to work against her, because Dickie Bach has made it clear that relationships are all about him and he won’t be moving from his hometown of Perth at the end of this show. Although, I’m pretty sure Alex would hitchhike in a car filled with Pauline Hanson, Donald Trump and Ivan Milat just to get to WA to be with him, so I don’t think there’s any doubt she’d move across the country for ‘the love of her life’.

First surprise: Alex tells Dickie Bach she’s decided not to let him meet her little son, because, you know, he’s still dating THREE OTHER WOMEN. Could it be that Alex is actually a reasonable human and not the obsessed nappy-wearing, kidnapping-astronaut I have made up in my mind? (Hint: Almost definitely.)

Talking talking meeting the family having lunch talking. It seems like nothing interesting will happen, until Alex’s very intimidating-looking brother stares Dickie Bach right in the face and asks him if he’s ever cheated on a woman before.

Um… Are you - Do you even understa - DO YOU NOT GET THAT HE IS CHEATING ON YOUR SISTER WITH THREE OTHER WOMEN RIGHT NOW?

Dickie Bach looks freaked, and earnestly responds, “NEVER,” which is obviously a straight-up lie since, I say again: HE’S CHEATING WITH THREE OTHER WOMEN RIGHT NOW. HOW IS THIS NOT CLEAR TO EVERYBODY INVOLVED?

"Have you ever cheated on a woman?"

"Oh, you mean besides the other women whose families I’m also going to see this week?"

The awesome brother confronts Dickie Bach about the other women he’s currently dating. Dickie Bach word vomits out some stuff about not bullshitting anyone and looks desperately around for some cue-cards. None come. It’s painful to watch.

"You’ve never really had a human conversation before, have you mate?"

Back at the ‘ladies table’, away from where the men are talking about serious men things, the ladies in Alex’s family giggle and act like ladies because they’re at the ladies table.

At the end of the night, Alex tells Dickie Bach she’s falling in love with his peen.

"After the Chocolate Diarrhoea Sex Bath, I just knew."

End date.

Olena’s Hometown Thunderdome:

Olena’s hometown is Sydney. Just, all of Sydney. Which the editors have chosen to represent by having them meet on a tennis court.

Because SYDNEY.

Olena and Dickie Bach head to Olena’s house, which, again, is just located in all of Sydney. The manufactured DRAMAAAH here is that Dickie Bach is scared of Olena’s Eastern European family, particularly her dad, so we just get lots shots of her dad with intense music.

Eastern European + Dad + Scary Music + Former Amateur Boxer = Channel Ten Recipe For Suspense And Possible Bachelor Death.

Obviously, Scary Eastern European Dad asks Dickie Bach to do some boxing with him. Lots of scary music etc etc etc ensues.

Cut back to the ladies having ladies time, and - HELLO!!! What’s this??

Ding ding ding ding ding ding! It just wouldn't feel right without any definitely subtle product placement.

They have dinner, the star of which is Scary Eastern European Dad, who has the best reaction face when Dickie Bach says, “I’ve got four incredible women to choose from, so the decision is not easy.”

Cut to…

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Oh, Dickie Bach. What a gloriously terrible answer that was to give in front of her family.

Olena then has a private moment with Dad, who drops the quite obvious truth bomb that we’ve know all along: “If he be choosing you, he definitely not move to Sydney. Definitely not.”

Dropping harsh truth grenades all OVER the place. #ledge

Dickie Bach says goodbye to Olena. She seems a bit ‘meh’ about the whole thing tbh. I reckon she’ll go right after Rachel with the genetically defective brown hair.

Genetically Defective Brunette Rachel’s Hometown Thunderdome:

Rachel meets Dickie Bach at a beach in Perth, and keeps reeeeeally emphasising the fact that they both live in Perth. Almost like she knows that with her hair, she needs the hometown advantage.

"We both live in Perth! I SAID WE BOTH LIVE IN PERTH."

The head to dinner with Rachel’s family. Dickie Bach is asked what makes Rachel stand-out from the other girls and what he feels about Rachel, and in predictable Dickie Bach style, he is UNABLE TO GIVE HER FAMILY AN ANSWER. He just mumbles something about following his heart. Yikes. Rachel’s sister is not accepting that wishy-washy bullshit, so she pulls him outside to pierce his terrified soul with her eyes.

"Are you in love with Rachel, or do I have to punch your face?"

"I think my sweaty testicles just disappeared to that Upside-down place from Stranger Things."

They say goodbye, and after Dickie Bach leaves, Rachel cries, because she just can’t imagine ever meeting someone as amazing as Dickie Bach again.

"We both live in Perth! he is my ONLY possible soulmate."

Oh god. I feel bad. The girl who cries desperately and makes declarations of love is always the one who goes. Plus, you know, her genetically defective hair. End date.

Obvious Winner Nikki’s Hometown Thunderdome:

Nikki is blonde, based in WA, and hasn’t had a whole human in her special place. Girl’s got this in the bag.

OMG her parents are called 'Brian and Barbs’ and she has a bogan brother-in-law called ‘Snowy’ and I’m officially in heaven. He immediately takes Dickie Bach out to the barbie to cook some meat and have some beers. He tells DIckie Bach to “ignore all the fancy shit” and Dickie Bach seems like he’s fucking terrified.

Snowy. No fancy bullshit. NEW FAVOURITE BOGAN TELEVISION LEGEND.

Dinner/dinner/talking/talking/what are your intentions/Dickie Bach gives the same stammering answers as the last four dates etc etc etc. This is kind of a boring lovey-dovey Hometown Thunderdome because the whole family are nice to him because Nikki is clearly the winner so let’s just speed this along.

Nikki tells Dickie Bach that she’s totally in love with him and it’s fucking adorable and she’s adorable and even my cynical heart feels a pinch of happiness.

Look how in love she is. I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.

VERY, VERY SERIOUS ROSE CEREMONY TIME:

Rachel is going. I can feel it in my waters. Also the hair thing:

Rachel is chosen as the unlovable loser. Dickie Bach takes her outside to explain how her genetically defective brown hair lost this for her.

Rachel says in the Unlovable Loser Car that they would have worked out, if only Dickie Bach had given her a more clear indication of how he felt. Um… You’re currently being driven to the closest bus station in a ballgown, babe. That's probably all the clear indication you need. Plus, the brown hair.

So that’s it. With all genetically defective brunettes finally booted, we are down to final three. WHO WILL BE CHOSEN AS THE ULTIMATE REPRESENTATION OF WOMANHOOD? One week to go...

Find all of Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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