Alright you guys, Channel Ten really, REALLY wants you to know that this is like, a totes serious episode, with lots of serious music and lots of emotions and lots of shots of Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex’s face twitching in desperation. THIS IS HOMETOWNS, MY FRIENDS, and nothing says ‘serious’ on The Bachelor more than forcing our chosen Peen to confront the families of the women he’s been polygamously dating for two months.
Now the chances of the only brunette surviving this Hometown Thunderdome are slim. I think we all know Rachel has gone about as far as she can with her severe genetic defect, so I’m predicting she’s booted by the end of the night. Now let’s go watch our contestants hang out in some definitely-not-rented-by-Channel-Ten houses!
Find all of Rosie’s previous Bachelor recaps here.
But first, to prove that Dickie Bach is defs taking this whole thing seriously, and is defs thinking about all feelings of all four girls he’s dating, we watch him doing some serious thinking while looking at the thing that makes him happiest:
"I love you Dickie. Aw thanks Dickie I love you too. We look so good today." *winks*
Then he makes a ‘serious thinking’ smoothie, but the editors DO NOT show us any brand names, so I’m assuming whichever company makes that blender refused to pony up any cash.
Um... But how do we know what blender to buy? HOW DO WE KNOW?
AHHHHHHH FINALLY! DICKIE BACH THEN TAKES HIS NON-PRODUCT PLACEMENT SMOOTHIE AND SITS BY THE POOL TO DO SOME SERIOUS THINKING WHILE GAZING OUT AT A BODY OF WATER!!!
We have waited FAR too long for this kind of ‘I’m sensitive and pensive and really hoping whoever I pick likes the look of my peen’ shot. Things are getting serious.
Serious thinking while looking at body of water = things are getting serious.
Well, there aint no
time money to waste (and Dickie Bach probably did about all the thinking he could muster), so we are jumping right in to the HOMETOWN THUNDERDOME.
Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex’s Hometown Thunderdome:
Alex is from the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, which, besides once having had an entire head in her vaginal canal, is going to work against her, because Dickie Bach has made it clear that relationships are all about him and he won’t be moving from his hometown of Perth at the end of this show. Although, I’m pretty sure Alex would hitchhike in a car filled with Pauline Hanson, Donald Trump and Ivan Milat just to get to WA to be with him, so I don’t think there’s any doubt she’d move across the country for ‘the love of her life’.
First surprise: Alex tells Dickie Bach she’s decided not to let him meet her little son, because, you know, he’s still dating THREE OTHER WOMEN. Could it be that Alex is actually a reasonable human and not the obsessed nappy-wearing, kidnapping-astronaut I have made up in my mind? (Hint: Almost definitely.)
Talking talking meeting the family having lunch talking. It seems like nothing interesting will happen, until Alex’s very intimidating-looking brother stares Dickie Bach right in the face and asks him if he’s ever cheated on a woman before.