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Rosie recaps The Bachelor Season 4 Episode 13: A bush-based fight to the death.

O.M FREAKING G-BURGERS! Finally, for the first time this season, we open on our Bachie doing some serious thinking about his journey through polygamous love. It’s not serious beach thinking, it’s serious work-out thinking. But still, it’s serious thinking.

Obviously Dickie Bach is having lots of thoughts and feelings about all of the blonde women he’s dating. You can tell by the way he flexes his muscles on the rowing machine.

Very thinking.

So Muscles.

Such serious.

Giving him this little muscle-thinking sesh proves to us that he’s a really sensitive guy, okay? He really cares about all the Girl Prisoners he’s forced into humiliating challenges to compete for his peen. He cares about them so much that he’s even having trouble deciding which ones to set free so they can launch their lifestyle websites. HE REALLY, REALLY CARES, OKAY?

Find all of Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Cut to the Girl Prison, and the five ladies left are talking about how worried they are about their shared boyfriend, because, like, it would be so totally hard to have to narrow 22 girlfriends down to just 1, you guys. We have now clearly reached peak Stockholm Syndrome levels at the Girl Prison. To have been forced to prove your maternal/feminine/housekeeping/child-rearing/hot-pants wearing skills on a weekly basis, while locked in a mansion with no access to the outside world, in bedrooms that we never get to see because they’re obviously just shoved in the basement on bunkbeds, competing with your fellow prisoners for a man who’s dating all of you, and then to say that you’re worried about HOW HARD THIS IS FOR HIM?

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding! The quest for Dickie Peen has officially warped their brains. This is going to be a fun last couple of weeks.

He must really be struggling with dating all of us. He's so brave. #PrayForDickieBach

Glorious Oshie arrives (and I mean it when I say Glorious with a capital fucking G, Oshie, you are brilliant and loved and I’ve put in a call to Queen Sandra Sully to make sure you get extra hair-pampering time in the dungeon this week. Fuck the fuckers. #TeamOsher), because it’s pretty much unbearable listening to the Girl Prisoners talk about how brave Dickie Bach is being. And he reveals a -GASP SHOCK TWIST!- which isn’t really much a gasp-worthy shock twist but damn it if Channel Ten isn’t going to edit the fuck out of it to manufacture some dramaaaah.

The GASP SHOCK TWIST! is that they’re all going camping together. So basically, they’ve officially run out of cash and the cheapest option this week was going to the bush and pretending like it was an intentional decision and not a desperate financial one. Of the five Girl Prisoners left, only four will be taking their shared boyfriend home to meet their not-at-all ashamed families, which means this camping trip is pretty much a Bush-Based Fight To The Death. YAY!!!!!

The immediate DRAMAAAH comes in the form of Olena, who dares to admit that camping isn’t her thing and she’s definitely going to hate it. Cut to lots of “How could she not pretend to love what Dickie Bach loves?/Doesn’t she know anything about men?/How very dare she not act like the luckiest girl in the world?” etc etc etc.

Sing it, Sister.

Dickie Bach says that his secret mission on this camping trip is to see which Girl Prisoners are “willing to chip in”, because no group date situation on The Bachelor is complete without some sort of judgement of females going on. But, we all know that Olena is going to survive Bush-Based Fight To The Death without 'chipping in' at all, because Dickie Bach is still so attracted to her, um, ‘quiet confidence’.

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Bush bush tents outdoors secret judging etc etc etc. Can we just cut to the part where each of their Lady Gardens are inspected to make sure they’ve been groomed to Dickie Bach’s liking? More dramatic music cut with shots of Olena daring not to enoy something that the man enjoys.

Each of the Girl Prisoners get some alone time with Dickie Bach in which they can make a totally dignified plea for their safety. Olena, who I gotta say I’m liking more and more, admits that she doesn’t feel as strongly about him as the other girls, because, you know, SHE BARELY KNOWS HIM. And then she asks Dickie Bach how he would feel if her family doesn’t like him, which, after listening to all the other girls go on about how much their parents are going to love him, Dickie Bach clearly finds this really confusing. She’s making him work hard for her, and Dickie Bach no comprehend.

"Dickie Bach confuse. Ooly Roo Bananas?"

Then, because no episode this season would be complete without a humiliating physical challenge, they play ‘Kayak Water Polo’ in some river. I’m assuming you care as little about that as me, so let’s move on. There’s some more physical challenges, which are equally as uneventful. But look, this is historically an awkward time in Bachie seasons. The few episodes in between when the crazy entertaining people leave (aka Super Villain Kween Keira) and when we get down to final overly-invested few (aka Obsessed Single Mum Alex) are kind of a no-man’s land. You don’t have the entertainment value of the crazies anymore, but you also don’t yet have the super emotional high stakes of there only being three people left. So you kind of just end up with some weird boring dates with girls who obviously aren’t going to win but who also aren’t crazy so… Nothing. I feel for the editors who have to make something out of these weird episodes. But after tonight, WE‘VE MADE IT THROUGH THE WEIRD PATCH.

At the end of the Bush Based Fight To The Death, it looks as though Faith may be getting booted, because Dickie Bach doesn’t like how much she giggles or some shit. End date.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Oh my, no Cocktail Party - straight to the weekly booting of the unlovable loser. THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS NOW YOU CAN TELL BY THE MUSIC. Faith knows she’s a goner - you can see it on her face:

I DID NOT ADEQUATELY PROVE THE WORTH OF MY OVARIES.

She was right. She predicted her own demise. Faith just couldn’t beat Olena’s Quiet Confidence.

Dickie Bach takes her outside for a ‘private chat’, so he can explain exactly why she doesn’t deserve his peen. She cries because of how hard it would be for him, and tells him that she hopes to find a guy just like him in the outside world.

Here’s hoping as soon as she’s released back into the wild, the Stockholm Syndrome lifts and she remembers that HE FORCED HER TO COMPETE WITH 22 OTHER WOMEN IN HUMILIATING CHALLENGES FOR A CHANCE TO SEE HIS PEEN.

Tomorrow night: HOMETOWN DATES! In which Dickie Bach must have conversations with people that involve more words than ‘You look gorgeous’ and *giggles*. Will his brain break under the pressure? Here’s hoping!

Find all of Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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