O.M FREAKING G-BURGERS! Finally, for the first time this season, we open on our Bachie doing some serious thinking about his journey through polygamous love. It’s not serious beach thinking, it’s serious work-out thinking. But still, it’s serious thinking.
Obviously Dickie Bach is having lots of thoughts and feelings about all of the blonde women he’s dating. You can tell by the way he flexes his muscles on the rowing machine.
Giving him this little muscle-thinking sesh proves to us that he’s a really sensitive guy, okay? He really cares about all the Girl Prisoners he’s forced into humiliating challenges to compete for his peen. He cares about them so much that he’s even having trouble deciding which ones to set free so they can launch their lifestyle websites. HE REALLY, REALLY CARES, OKAY?
Find all of Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.
Cut to the Girl Prison, and the five ladies left are talking about how worried they are about their shared boyfriend, because, like, it would be so totally hard to have to narrow 22 girlfriends down to just 1, you guys. We have now clearly reached peak Stockholm Syndrome levels at the Girl Prison. To have been forced to prove your maternal/feminine/housekeeping/child-rearing/hot-pants wearing skills on a weekly basis, while locked in a mansion with no access to the outside world, in bedrooms that we never get to see because they’re obviously just shoved in the basement on bunkbeds, competing with your fellow prisoners for a man who’s dating all of you, and then to say that you’re worried about HOW HARD THIS IS FOR HIM?
Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding! The quest for Dickie Peen has officially warped their brains. This is going to be a fun last couple of weeks.
He must really be struggling with dating all of us. He's so brave. #PrayForDickieBach
Glorious Oshie arrives (and I mean it when I say Glorious with a capital fucking G, Oshie, you are brilliant and loved and I’ve put in a call to Queen Sandra Sully to make sure you get extra hair-pampering time in the dungeon this week. Fuck the fuckers. #TeamOsher), because it’s pretty much unbearable listening to the Girl Prisoners talk about how brave Dickie Bach is being. And he reveals a -GASP SHOCK TWIST!- which isn’t really much a gasp-worthy shock twist but damn it if Channel Ten isn’t going to edit the fuck out of it to manufacture some dramaaaah.
The GASP SHOCK TWIST! is that they’re all going camping together. So basically, they’ve officially run out of cash and the cheapest option this week was going to the bush and pretending like it was an intentional decision and not a desperate financial one. Of the five Girl Prisoners left, only four will be taking their shared boyfriend home to meet their not-at-all ashamed families, which means this camping trip is pretty much a Bush-Based Fight To The Death. YAY!!!!!
The immediate DRAMAAAH comes in the form of Olena, who dares to admit that camping isn’t her thing and she’s definitely going to hate it. Cut to lots of “How could she not pretend to love what Dickie Bach loves?/Doesn’t she know anything about men?/How very dare she not act like the luckiest girl in the world?” etc etc etc.
Sing it, Sister.
Dickie Bach says that his secret mission on this camping trip is to see which Girl Prisoners are “willing to chip in”, because no group date situation on The Bachelor is complete without some sort of judgement of females going on. But, we all know that Olena is going to survive Bush-Based Fight To The Death without 'chipping in' at all, because Dickie Bach is still so attracted to her, um, ‘quiet confidence’.