Okay, we are really getting to the tail-end now. There are only six Girl Prisoners left, and they all just can’t believe how lucky they are, you guys. Like, being one of only six girls left that Dickie Bach is dating? That totally makes a girl feel, like, so spesh.
Oshie’s Hair arrives and, as usual, spends two minutes telling us all the things that Dickie Bach is currently thinking, because the producers have straight-up given up on trying to get to Dickie Bach to say any words that don’t come in Fair Dinkum Aussie Slang. You just know they decided to send Oshie in after a producer was on the verge of tears, while Dickie Bach stared into the camera for his 50th take and just said, “She’s a gorgeous girl. Ah… Incredible. Um… Ah… Fair oolly-roo dinkum bananas.”
"I AM THE TRANSLATOR."
It's a genius move, really. There's no pressure on Dickie Bach to look comfortable on camera, and we get to spend more time with Oshie's Glorious Hair, which would definitely be loving its extra time out of the Channel Ten Dungeon.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ girl gets tonight’s single date, and I have finally figured out that her actual human name is Faith, so I guess that's what I'll call her, although it just doesn't seem like it suits her at this point. And -SURPRISE TWIST EXCEPT NOT REALLY BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN PLUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF IT IN THE ADS!- Hamish Blake inexplicably turns up at the Girl Prison with Dickie Bach.
Dickie Bach has now officially crossed so far over into bland territory that they are actually getting him to bring another dude on his date. Yikes.
Bringing an interesting person on the dates. That's where we're at now.
But just tagging along on the date so that we can watch some actually interesting human interaction isn’t all Hamish has planned. Hamish Blake has decided to dress up as a toddler called Rory, who Dickie Bach and Faith must take care of for the day.
Yeah. This is happening.
I love Hamish Blake, and I love that the producers realised that they needed to do something out-of-the-box to try and make the dates interesting, but this will forever be known as the moment The Bachelor Australia jumped the shark:
I kind of feel like I want them to jump the shark more often, because this is equal parts bizarro and amazing. YES ACTUALLY. What a dream that would be - just a whole Bachelor season where every episode jumps the shark and is bat-shit cray cray. I think the producers are onto something here. They may just be secret geniuses after all.
‘Rory’ says that he’s old enough to not wear nappies but he might need help, and I swear to the television gods if Hamish doesn’t fully commit to this by shitting his pants I’ll be so disappointed. MAKE IT HAPPEN PRODUCERS. WE WANT A GROWN MAN TO SHIT HIMSELF LIKE ON THE US VERSION.
Hamish is hilarious, and that’s pretty much the whole date: Hamish being hilarious/Dickie Bach and Faith laughing at Hamish being hilarious.
Look, we’re doing something interesting!
See! Single dates with Dickie Bach can be entertaining if we just bring a whole other human man!
It’s weird and bizarre and also just kind of makes it obvious that the producers were fucking desperate, and when you're desperate, you end up bringing the very weird 'grown man pretending to be toddler' goods. And it was either this or another humiliating physical challenge, so... I think whoever called Hamish Blake made the right call.
They put ‘Rory’ to bed, and MENULOG order some MENULOG dinner MENULOG from MENULOG.
Hey, you guys, I think they might be ordering dinner from Menulog.
Wow! Look how easy Menulog is to use!
Such convenient! Very Bachelor! So Menulog! (Can we have our money now?)
Well, someone had to sponsor the date if they were going to find the cash to pay Hamish Blake.
They kiss. Hamish does a creepy wink into the camera while wearing a toddler’s pyjamas and watching them make-out.
SHARK = BRILLIANTLY JUMPED.
SECOND SINGLE DATE TIME!
I guess an intern forgot to book the inflatable costumes needed for a humiliating physical group date challenge, so Dickie Bach takes Rachel out to the backyard of the Girl Prison and calls it a Single Date. The date explores their ‘senses’, which basically means “We’re just going to smell and touch some stuff because it’s cheap and we spent all our money this week paying Hamish.”
Ugh. It’s so nothing. Nothing happens. They just walk around the backyard taking selfies. Then Dickie Bach shoves a whole sushi roll in her mouth:
I wish Hamish would come back in his little overalls and shit himself.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex decides it’s time to show Dickie Bach photos of the small human she pushed out of her vag. She cries. Sad piano music plays. Dickie Bach looks slightly panicked and says lots of words like ‘huge adjustment’ over and over.
"This is the son you would have to look after!"
This is a genius move by Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex, since no Bachie would ever kick out a Girl Prisoner just after she showed him pictures of her kid. I reckon this bought her a spot in the top three at least. And if not, then she’ll just knock Dickie Bach out, throw him in the back a van and take off non-stop down the highway like that lady-astronaut who shat into a nappy.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
One Girl Prisoner is going to be booted.
There is zero suspense, followed by some dramatic music to make it feel DRAMAAAH.
Steph, The Hot Model Girl Intruder, is tonight’s unlovable loser. It’s obvious she wasn’t super important because Dickie Bach doesn’t take her outside for a ‘private goodbye’. If you have to say goodbye in front of everybody, IT MEANS YOU MEANT NOTHING TO HIM. Adoy.
Still, she cries in the car because, you know, he was quite clearly the best guy she’d ever met in her entire life and could ever hope to meet so she might as well close up her vag for business and start selling hand-knitted cat jumpers on eBay.
A MAN DIDN’T WANT YOU. YOU HAVE NO WORTH AS A WOMAN. GIVE UP.
Not even Hamish Blake can save us now.
Until next week!
Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.
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