Okay, we are really getting to the tail-end now. There are only six Girl Prisoners left, and they all just can’t believe how lucky they are, you guys. Like, being one of only six girls left that Dickie Bach is dating? That totally makes a girl feel, like, so spesh.
Oshie’s Hair arrives and, as usual, spends two minutes telling us all the things that Dickie Bach is currently thinking, because the producers have straight-up given up on trying to get to Dickie Bach to say any words that don’t come in Fair Dinkum Aussie Slang. You just know they decided to send Oshie in after a producer was on the verge of tears, while Dickie Bach stared into the camera for his 50th take and just said, “She’s a gorgeous girl. Ah… Incredible. Um… Ah… Fair oolly-roo dinkum bananas.”
"I AM THE TRANSLATOR."
It's a genius move, really. There's no pressure on Dickie Bach to look comfortable on camera, and we get to spend more time with Oshie's Glorious Hair, which would definitely be loving its extra time out of the Channel Ten Dungeon.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ girl gets tonight’s single date, and I have finally figured out that her actual human name is Faith, so I guess that's what I'll call her, although it just doesn't seem like it suits her at this point. And -SURPRISE TWIST EXCEPT NOT REALLY BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN PLUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF IT IN THE ADS!- Hamish Blake inexplicably turns up at the Girl Prison with Dickie Bach.
Dickie Bach has now officially crossed so far over into bland territory that they are actually getting him to bring another dude on his date. Yikes.
Bringing an interesting person on the dates. That's where we're at now.
But just tagging along on the date so that we can watch some actually interesting human interaction isn’t all Hamish has planned. Hamish Blake has decided to dress up as a toddler called Rory, who Dickie Bach and Faith must take care of for the day.
Yeah. This is happening.
I love Hamish Blake, and I love that the producers realised that they needed to do something out-of-the-box to try and make the dates interesting, but this will forever be known as the moment The Bachelor Australia jumped the shark:
I kind of feel like I want them to jump the shark more often, because this is equal parts bizarro and amazing. YES ACTUALLY. What a dream that would be - just a whole Bachelor season where every episode jumps the shark and is bat-shit cray cray. I think the producers are onto something here. They may just be secret geniuses after all.
‘Rory’ says that he’s old enough to not wear nappies but he might need help, and I swear to the television gods if Hamish doesn’t fully commit to this by shitting his pants I’ll be so disappointed. MAKE IT HAPPEN PRODUCERS. WE WANT A GROWN MAN TO SHIT HIMSELF LIKE ON THE US VERSION.
Hamish is hilarious, and that’s pretty much the whole date: Hamish being hilarious/Dickie Bach and Faith laughing at Hamish being hilarious.
Look, we’re doing something interesting!
See! Single dates with Dickie Bach can be entertaining if we just bring a whole other human man!
It’s weird and bizarre and also just kind of makes it obvious that the producers were fucking desperate, and when you're desperate, you end up bringing the very weird 'grown man pretending to be toddler' goods. And it was either this or another humiliating physical challenge, so... I think whoever called Hamish Blake made the right call.