You guys, Channel Ten doesn’t want you to panic. It’s very, VERY important to them that you know that they have manufactured another villain for you. The first five minutes of this episode are dedicated to making sure you know that this season of The Bachelor can still be entertaining without Keira, because now we’ve got RACHAEL MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Rachael is our villain because Alex said that she said something mean to her that nobody else heard so now the producers have lots of soundbites of Alex saying Rachael ‘like, totally can’t be trusted’ and then shots of Rachael with villain music to make sure we know that she is THE VILLAIN.

This is the villain now. ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

Have we made it clear that this is our villain now?

IT'S A VILLAIN! THIS IS EXCITING TELEVISION, RIGHT? RIGHT?

Can we just cut to Alex secretly making a mould of Dickie Bach’s peen while he’s sleeping so she can use it as a magic voodoo dildo in a midnight soulmate ritual? I’m pretty sure that’s where the entertainment lies from now on.

Find Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

And yay! Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex gets the Single Date! Here’s hoping it ends up with her speeding down the freeway with an unconscious Dickie Bach in the back of her car!

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Channel Ten are still trying to prove to us that they didn’t spend all their Bachie money on magic beans and the new Survivor, so they’ve organised for Dickie Bach to pick up Alex from the Girl Prison in a FERRARI. Because FERRARI = MONEY.

EXCEPT THIS FERRARI IS QUITE CLEARLY ON LOAN FROM THE DEALERSHIP IN EXCHANGE FOR SAYING ‘FERRARI’ AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE ON CAMERA.

Must be back to the dealership by 5.

We then listen to Dickie Bach and Alex say ‘Ferrari' as many times as possible on camera, because that’s where we’re at now - product placement is now paying for these dates.

AND OMG THE NEXT SPONSOR THAT DICKIE BACH IS TAKING MONEY FROM IS LINDT CHOCOLATE. Fuck Ferrari - Lindt is a sponsor I can get behind. And boy, do Channel Ten want us to know that Lindt are paying for this (not that I’m complaining, this is the most erotic I’ve found this show all season):

OH BABY.

FUCK YES.

I THINK I NEED SOME PRIVACY.

We are then forced to watch Dickie Bach and Alex play silly and romantic with the chocolate, and even the Lindt Chocolatier wants them to just shut the fuck up and do something entertaining.

Tee hee! We’re so silly and in love!

Um, can you fucking not? Respect the Lindt.

More Lindt. More playing with the Lindt. More Lindt everywhere. (PLEASE can I have some free Lindt?) More of me struggling to understand why Alex wouldn’t drop Dickie Bach and try to date the guy WHOSE JOB IS CHOCOLATE.

Dickie Bach and Alex then head outside to the driveway where some intern has plonked down a bathtub filled with liquid chocolate. We immediately know three things are going to happen here:

1. Alex will make this whole situation uncomfortably erotic.
2. Both Dickie Bach and Alex will end up with chocolate infections inside their peen/vag areas.
3. This is going to look more like a bath of diarrhoea more than anything else.

Annnnnnd yep - it takes about 30 seconds for Alex to make this whole situation uncomfortably erotic:

Um... Pls stahp.

I SAID STAAAAAHP.

OH GOD NO PLEASE NO. IT'S... IT'S A...

IT'S A CHOCOLATE DIARRHOEA SEX BATH  *cries in terror*

The editors try to make it look romantic, but all I keep thinking is it reminds of that scene where Andy Dufresne escapes through the sewer in The Shawshank Redemption. Plus, I’d say about 9 months from now, Alex is going to give birth to some kind of Human/Freddo hybrid. Or just, you know, whatever happens when sperm and chocolate both get in your vag and hit the egg at the same time.

They make out some more. She gets a rose. End date. With thanks to our sponsors Ferrari and Lindt.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Oh. Holy. Fucking. Oprah. Are you kidding me? ANOTHER FUCKING HUMILIATING PHYSICAL CHALLENGE? Seriously, what is this - the fourth this season? How many times can we put these women in ridiculous costumes and send them into the quirky Thunderdome to compete for a peen?

Oshie, who looks like he’s had just about enough of this bullshit, explains to the Girl Prisoners that they’re going to be competing in the ‘Highland Games’, because Dickie Bach’s family are from Scotland. So, you know, one of the countries with the kinds of people we’re comfortable letting in. And just to show how diverse and progressive they’re being right now by talking about the Bachelor family's immigrant past, they allow him to wear his traditional Scottish dress: a Kilt.

ACCEPTING OTHER CULTURES. #diversity

And the Girl Prisoners get to wear Dickie Bach’s traditional immigrant dress as well:

EMBRACING FOREIGN TRADITIONS. #progressive

They play a bunch of Scottish games that involve throwing heavy stuff in their short skirts. Then, because none of that really seemed humiliating enough, they are forced to compete in a haggis-eating competition.

Bringing pride on their families.

Doing it for Malala.

#LifeGoals

Inhaling the minced lungs, heart and liver of a lamb just so you have the chance to inhale a guy’s peen? NOPE. I’d maybe eat the haggis if my reward was the dude eating me, but the other way around is just pointless.

And after all that - NOBODY FREAKING WINS. It’s a tie, and they all get to spend time with their boyfriend Dickie Bach. So putting on tiny skirts and smothering themselves with lamb guts was totally worth it.

At this point, it’s hard to tell who’ll be getting booted tonight because *cough NOTHING HAS HAPPENED cough*, so Dickie Bach spends approximately two minutes of alone time with The Bubbly Shop Girl Intruder, in which her brain breaks and she just stares at him and giggles. So now we’re heading into the Sparkly Hunger Games of Death knowing exactly who’s going down. Yay.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

The entire cocktail party is based around how The Bubbly Shop Girl Intruder is going. So captivating, suspenseful television for us all. They try to throw in some misdirection through Olena, who tells Dickie Bach she’s not going to go out of her way to get his attention, because, bless her beautiful heart, she’s never had to pursue a guy before and doesn’t really know how to do it. But we all know Dickie Bach is obsessed with her ‘Quiet Confidence’, so I’m pretty sure she’s safe.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Olena is safe. The Bubbly Shop Girl Intruder goes. I was totally on the edge of my seat, you guys. Weren’t we all?

And since that was a fairly uneventful Rose Ceremony, I think this is a nice image to end on:

What a lovely, romantic moment to share with the grandkids.

(To be fair though, probably the only thing that would convince me to put my head between a man's legs like that, was if his peen was covered in chocolate.)

#ChocolateDiarrhoeaSexBath

Find Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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