THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS.
After 15 episodes in which 21 women have been forced to compete in humiliating challenges in order to win the approval of a man, we have finally reached the end. The Sparkly Hunger Games of Death will end in one, final Thunderdome-style race to the finish line, where she who is victorious shall claim her Tasmanian Peen.
May women everywhere rejoice.
AND YES, FINALLY. WE OPEN ON OSHIE LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE EVERY DAMN WEEK.
He says some words and and explains what the series has been about and I’m sure it’s all lovely but all I’m thinking about is his hair and the hairspray machine and the dungeon and the glorious brown suit and the epic journey that we’ve been on together this year. In a universe outside of this one I would break into the bowels of Channel Ten and set him free into the night, where he could run and frolick and feel the wind blow through his heavenly, chocolately brown locks. #SaveOsher
Okay, next up we get a montage of Bachie Wood doing some serious thinking while stretching on a fence. (#BudgetBachie)
Then there’s another montage of the time Bachie Wood has spent with the two remaining girls, and that’s when everybody remembers that nothing actually happens in finale episodes until about the last five minutes, so we will clearly be watching almost exclusively montages for the next hour.
Bachie Wood is reading some cue-card bullshit about where his head is at and the current state of play of this whole godforsaken situation, but his version is boring so here’s mine.
Here’s how we stand right now: We are down to Disney Princess Lana and Single Mum Parmigiana. Lana owns his heart and his balls. All she needs is his Peen to complete the trifecta, which makes it seem like she has this whole thing in the bag. BUT. But. Sarah getting sent home last night has really messed with Lana’s plans, because after last year’s TOTAL shit-head scenario otherwise known as Blake, the producers reeeeally need this year’s Bachie to look like a nice guy. And you know what a nice guy wouldn’t do? Put a single mum in the final two and then not pick her. I mean… right? THAT WOULD BE DOUCHE-CANOE CITY. If Sam had put anyone else up against Lana in the finale (ie that beige girl who’s name I’ve already forgotten), I would have thought she was set. But reject a single mum? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD SET HIMSELF UP FOR THAT KIND OF PUBLIC TAKE-DOWN? SINGLE MUMS ARE FUCKING EPIC. MY SISTER IS ONE. THEY WILL KILL YOU AND EAT YOUR HEAD IF YOU DISAPPOINT THEM OR THEIR CHILDREN.
So… I know I was all about Lana, but after Beige went home last night, I’m sort of convinced this is anyone’s game. And that’s where we’re at.
Back when Bachie Wood and Parmigiana had their first date. There was cheese. (Post continues after video):
Okay. We need to talk about tonight’s location before I lose my freaking mind. I’d say it’s the elephant in the room, but sadly they can’t afford one. I think I’ve quite clearly established that we all know that Channel Ten are straight-up out of fucking money, no? Oshie’s hair budget blew out of control. The money Queen Sully paid Channel Nine to take Blake off their hands and put him on that sad show for desperate people was quite a large sum. So now, for our FINALE episode, instead of being in SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA, or even just the bogan-honeymoon-destination-of-choice Thailand, we are in… DRUMROLL PLEASE….
‘The country’. No specified ‘the country’, just ‘the country’. And we know it’s ‘the country’ because there’s lots of horses around and instead of exercising on the beach, Bachie Wood did it up against that rustic, ‘country’ fence.
More Bachelor. Much romance (Post continues after gallery):
Also, time equals money, and since (again – not sure if I’ve mentioned this) money is tight, the usual ‘meet Bachie’s family’ dates that the last few girls get to go on have been crammed into this final episode, in the hopes that we won’t notice that nothing is fucking happening and ‘the county’ is probably just a slightly large property just outside of Sydney. #BUDGETBACHIE
So, this shall be the final humiliating test: Meet Daddy Wood and Sister Wood and Brother Wood. Prove yourself worthy, or go home an unlovable loser, secure in the knowledge that because a man has rejected you, YOU ARE WORTH NOTHING AS A WOMAN. Game fucking on, ladies.
PARMIGIANA’S FINAL DIGNIFIED TEST:
Okay so they are really, REALLY pushing this whole single mum thing, and I just don’t think they’d be pushing it this hard if she weren’t going to win. I mean, when she says: “I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m a single mum”?
HOW CAN ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT ON NATIONAL TV EVER LOSE ANYTHING?
The risk for Bachie Wood is too high. PARMIGIANA HAS GOT THIS. FORGET EVERYTHING I EVER SAID ABOUT LANA. She may be wearing his balls around her neck but she has not CREATED LIFE. SHE HAS NOT PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF HER VAGINA. Thanks to little Chicken, Parmigiana is about to become very much acquainted with Tassie Peen.
Daddy Wood talks to Parmigiana. Sister Wood talks to Parmigiana. Everybody wonders if Daddy Wood’s glorious goatee can take Oshie’s Hair on a date.
I lost track because I was staring at the goatee. That’s it.
LANA’S FINAL DIGNIFIED TEST:
Ugh perfect side-swept hair etc etc etc. Just so much hair. Disney Princess etc etc etc. She doesn’t have a little daughter called Chicken to talk about so nothing happens. She talks to Daddy Wood and Sister Wood. Blah Blah Blah Disney Princess blah.
OMG she’s already referring to them as her ‘in-laws’. This girl thinks she’s got this thing LOCKED DOWN. How little she knows. As she walks away, Bachie Wood’s balls fall discreetly from the chain around her neck and roll onto the ground. THIS IS ANYONE’S GAME NOW.
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
Final one-on-one date time! (Or: ‘We have an hour to kill and no money so here’s another montage!)
Oh my fucking god. I’m not sure I have a single ‘cheap date’ joke left in me but… Oh wait, of course I fucking do. The exotic location they go to on their final dates is…
The BLUE FUCKING MOUNTAINS. Like, no offence, the Blue Mountains are lovely, but they ain’t no Swiss Alps. I grew up in the Blue Mountains and I can tell you that about 20 minutes from where they’re currently located, there’s a bunch of 13 year-olds sitting in the gutter sharing chips and gravy before they go looking for a piece of hose so they can get stoned. #ClassyExoticLocation
Lana’s final chance to prove her worthiness as a woman:
He takes her in a helicopter, and I know I should be excited by this last-minute budget-blowout, but you know what? TOO LITTLE TOO FUCKING LATE.
A helicopter ride over the Three Sisters is an Episode 3 date activity. Episode 4, TOPS. That this is happening in the final episode is an insult to us all. Queen Sandra Sully should expect a strongly-worded letter from me imminently.
When Bachie Wood met the Disney Princess. (Post continues after video):
Then they go in a rowboat, because they clearly blew all the money on the helicopter so anything else with a motor is completely out of the question at this point. They toast marshmallows and sit on a Magic Sex Couch that’s been plonked on some grass. I’m starting to feel like ‘the country’ means ‘we couldn’t afford accommodation’. Ugh. I’m done. The end.
Parmigiana’s final chance to prove her worthiness as a woman:
Bachie Wood picks her up in some car because the helicopter budget is done. But also because I think Bachie Wood really wanted to wear driving gloves. Then they go sit on a rug in some dirt. EVEN THE MAGIC SEX COUCH IS GONE NOW. WE ARE AT RUG-LEVEL BUDGET, PEOPLE.
Talk talk talk feelings feelings talk talk. They move to a different location, where, granted, there IS a magic sex couch. But, it’s made of FUCKING HAY.
Ugh. More feelings. Parmigiana explains to Bachie Wood, one final time, that she has a daughter, which means that she has an actual human daughter. She talks a lot about ‘how hard it would be’ to be with her and oh my god if he doesn’t pick Parmigiana and her little daughter Chicken after all of this then everyone is going to HATE him. Parmigiana’s got this. Bachie Wood will end up with a very beautiful pub meal. End of date.
NEARLY THE END:
Bachie Wood does some serious swim-thinking, followed by some serious shave-thinking:
He definitely seems ready to make this decision now.
There’s more talk about Parmigiana being a mum, and how that would be the ‘harder’ choice (ie if he picks her he’ll be considered a fucking hero so as if he won’t). Poor Lana. She doesn’t even realise she dropped his balls hours ago.
Okay. This is it. He is going to choose. As much as it pains him, he may only pick one. Each girl gets into a stylish yet powerful NISSAN QASHQAI:
Bachie Wood has one final counselling session with Oshie’s Hair, who smiles and pretends like he hasn’t been locked in a dungeon for 6 weeks and isn’t about to start sprinting in the other direction as soon as the cameras stop rolling:
Aww look at those two. Their’s would be an amazing fucking love story. If I hadn’t already set Oshie’s Hair up with Daddy Wood’s goatee I’d want these two luscious sets of locks to run away together.
OKAY OKAY EVERYONE SHUT UP. The first car is pulling up, and whoever gets out first is the ALWAYS the unlovable loser. It’s… It’s…
OH EM FUCKING GEE IT’S LANA. AND SHE HAS NO IDEA SHE’S LOST. Check your neck Lana, you’ve lost the balls! The balls are no longer there arrrgghhhhh!
Ugh, this is painful to watch. She miscounted the balls. She thought she had two, but she has none. Here is her unlovable loser face, at the exact moment she realised she is now worth nothing as a female human:
She had his heart in her handbag and his balls around her neck, and all she needed was his Tasmanian Peen to make up the trifecta. SHE ALMOST HAD THE TRIFECTA. But she ended up with nothing, because kick-arse single mums, creators of mother-fucking LIFE, will always reign victorious in the end.
Ugh okay well now we know who wins so the rest is boring. Parmigiana pulls up in her sleek yet speedy NISSAN. Bachie Wood tells her that he finally, finally understands that she has a human daughter called Chicken that she grew inside her belly and pushed out of her lady-parts and he doesn’t mind and he loves her so he would like to be with her please. Oh and let’s not talk about how you have to move to Melbourne, k? Here is her winner’s face, at the exact moment she realised this male approval means she is now completely worthy as a woman:
Blah blah blah. They exchange ‘I love yous’. He gives her what is possibly the ugliest ring I’ve ever freaking seen. Love reigns eternal.
Nek minit, they hitch a ride into town on a local bus, cos as soon as the cameras stopped rolling the budget was officially DONE. As am I. It’s been real, peeps. Now I will sleep for 6 days, and return to you for The Bachelorette. I expect the dates to involve Mi-Goreng and deck chairs.
Relive Bachelor bestness: