Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS.

After 15 episodes in which 21 women have been forced to compete in humiliating challenges in order to win the approval of a man, we have finally reached the end. The Sparkly Hunger Games of Death will end in one, final Thunderdome-style race to the finish line, where she who is victorious shall claim her Tasmanian Peen.

May women everywhere rejoice.

AND YES, FINALLY. WE OPEN ON OSHIE LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE DONE EVERY DAMN WEEK.

“You have been watching a show called The Bachelor.”

He says some words and and explains what the series has been about and I’m sure it’s all lovely but all I’m thinking about is his hair and the hairspray machine and the dungeon and the glorious brown suit and the epic journey that we’ve been on together this year. In a universe outside of this one I would break into the bowels of Channel Ten and set him free into the night, where he could run and frolick and feel the wind blow through his heavenly, chocolately brown locks. #SaveOsher

Okay, next up we get a montage of Bachie Wood doing some serious thinking while stretching on a fence. (#BudgetBachie)

MUCH STRETCH THINKING.

Who am I?

Then there’s another montage of the time Bachie Wood has spent with the two remaining girls, and that’s when everybody remembers that nothing actually happens in finale episodes until about the last five minutes, so we will clearly be watching almost exclusively montages for the next hour.

Bachie Wood is reading some cue-card bullshit about where his head is at and the current state of play of this whole godforsaken situation, but his version is boring so here’s mine.

Here’s how we stand right now: We are down to Disney Princess Lana and Single Mum Parmigiana. Lana owns his heart and his balls. All she needs is his Peen to complete the trifecta, which makes it seem like she has this whole thing in the bag. BUT. But. Sarah getting sent home last night has really messed with Lana’s plans, because after last year’s TOTAL shit-head scenario otherwise known as Blake, the producers reeeeally need this year’s Bachie to look like a nice guy. And you know what a nice guy wouldn’t do? Put a single mum in the final two and then not pick her. I mean… right? THAT WOULD BE DOUCHE-CANOE CITY. If Sam had put anyone else up against Lana in the finale (ie that beige girl who’s name I’ve already forgotten), I would have thought she was set. But reject a single mum? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD SET HIMSELF UP FOR THAT KIND OF PUBLIC TAKE-DOWN? SINGLE MUMS ARE FUCKING EPIC. MY SISTER IS ONE. THEY WILL KILL YOU AND EAT YOUR HEAD IF YOU DISAPPOINT THEM OR THEIR CHILDREN.

So… I know I was all about Lana, but after Beige went home last night, I’m sort of convinced this is anyone’s game. And that’s where we’re at.

Back when Bachie Wood and Parmigiana had their first date. There was cheese. (Post continues after video):

Okay. We need to talk about tonight’s location before I lose my freaking mind. I’d say it’s the elephant in the room, but sadly they can’t afford one. I think I’ve quite clearly established that we all know that Channel Ten are straight-up out of fucking money, no? Oshie’s hair budget blew out of control. The money Queen Sully paid Channel Nine to take Blake off their hands and put him on that sad show for desperate people was quite a large sum. So now, for our FINALE episode, instead of being in SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA, or even just the bogan-honeymoon-destination-of-choice Thailand, we are in… DRUMROLL PLEASE….

‘The country’. No specified ‘the country’, just ‘the country’. And we know it’s ‘the country’ because there’s lots of horses around and instead of exercising on the beach, Bachie Wood did it up against that rustic, ‘country’ fence.

More Bachelor. Much romance (Post continues after gallery):

The Bachelor Top 3.

Also, time equals money, and since (again – not sure if I’ve mentioned this) money is tight, the usual ‘meet Bachie’s family’ dates that the last few girls get to go on have been crammed into this final episode, in the hopes that we won’t notice that nothing is fucking happening and ‘the county’ is probably just a slightly large property just outside of Sydney. #BUDGETBACHIE

So, this shall be the final humiliating test: Meet Daddy Wood and Sister Wood and Brother Wood. Prove yourself worthy, or go home an unlovable loser, secure in the knowledge that because a man has rejected you, YOU ARE WORTH NOTHING AS A WOMAN. Game fucking on, ladies.

PARMIGIANA’S FINAL DIGNIFIED TEST:

Okay so they are really, REALLY pushing this whole single mum thing, and I just don’t think they’d be pushing it this hard if she weren’t going to win. I mean, when she says: “I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m a single mum”?

I’m a heroic single mother. I DARE YOU not to pick me.

HOW CAN ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT ON NATIONAL TV EVER LOSE ANYTHING?

The risk for Bachie Wood is too high. PARMIGIANA HAS GOT THIS. FORGET EVERYTHING I EVER SAID ABOUT LANA. She may be wearing his balls around her neck but she has not CREATED LIFE. SHE HAS NOT PUSHED A HUMAN OUT OF HER VAGINA. Thanks to little Chicken, Parmigiana is about to become very much acquainted with Tassie Peen.

Daddy Wood talks to Parmigiana. Sister Wood talks to Parmigiana. Everybody wonders if Daddy Wood’s glorious goatee can take Oshie’s Hair on a date.

Oshie’s perfect match?

I lost track because I was staring at the goatee. That’s it.

LANA’S FINAL DIGNIFIED TEST:

Ugh perfect side-swept hair etc etc etc. Just so much hair. Disney Princess etc etc etc. She doesn’t have a little daughter called Chicken to talk about so nothing happens. She talks to Daddy Wood and Sister Wood. Blah Blah Blah Disney Princess blah.

OMG she’s already referring to them as her ‘in-laws’. This girl thinks she’s got this thing LOCKED DOWN. How little she knows. As she walks away, Bachie Wood’s balls fall discreetly from the chain around her neck and roll onto the ground. THIS IS ANYONE’S GAME NOW.