Oh my. Well this all very serious. We open on Bachie Wood doing some very serious beach thinking on a very serious beach followed by a very serious shower. All set to very serious music. I mean, he has to give up his sweet-as polygamous heaven this week. It’s a time for grief.
No mucking about tonight – each girl must immediately begin to fight for the man who has kindly whittled her down from 21 to 3.
PARMIGIANA’S LAST CHANCE TO PROVE HER WORTHINESS:
Okay. Get fucked. Last year the final three went to South Africa. This year, Parmigiana gets to go to ‘Sydney in style’. And by ‘Sydney’ and ‘style’, Bachie Wood means driving around the place they already are in a fancy car. That’s it. #BudgetBachie. And it’s not even a NISSAN car, so how great could it be tbh?
Wow. Okay. So this date is literally just them driving around in a car. And unless that car is driving to the airport to put them on a plane that is flying to a god-damned exotic location, I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST ALL HOPE FOR YOU CHANNEL TEN. GET ME QUEEN SANDRA SULLY ON THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING MAJOR HAS GONE WRONG HERE. Or maybe it’s Queen Sully who cut the budget, as a stealth way of trying to get a show based around a Polygamist Girl Prison OFF HER DAMN NETWORK. #FeministQueenSullyOfMyDreams
Yep. Bachie Wood does not drive them to the airport. They drive to an apartment filled with Magic Sex Couches. He then tells her that they’re going to the ballet and dictates what he would like her to wear which is definitely not icky at all.
They go to the ballet and there’s nobody else but them in the audience and blah blah blah it doesn’t matter how many times you say ‘unbelievable’ and ‘special’ YOU ARE NOT IN AN EXOTIC LOCATION SO IT MEANS NOTHING TO ME. And by the way, the ballet dancers did one dance, which obviously means the producers couldn’t even afford to pay them to perform a WHOLE DAMN SHOW. #BudgetBachie
Yawn. Since there’s no cash to splash, Bachie Wood takes Parmigiana back to the Magic Sex Couch apartment where they…. sit on a Magic Sex Couch:
Parmigiana reminds him, AGAIN, that she has a daughter, which Bachie Wood still seems to struggle to understand means that she has an actual human daughter:
A perplexed Bachie Wood talks to the camera in a private moment about how he thinks Parmigiana might have a daughter, and he thinks that her having a daughter might be like, a big deal or something. Wait, what does Parmigiana have again?
LANA’S LAST CHANCE TO PROVE HER WORTHINESS:
YES FINALLY THERE IS A SEAPLANE OH MY GOD I JUST CREAMED MYSELF I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG.
Clearly with the budget so low, the producers have opted to give the girl who wears Bachie Wood’s balls on a necklace all the remaining funds. Not that the funds are allowing for a particularly lavish seaplane, but holy shit at this point I will literally take anything that isn’t him lugging her around in a red wagon.
Ugh and of course they just fly around in the plane and he talks about how obsessed he is with her and how beautiful she is and how he can’t believe how lucky he is and then she dangles the little bell she’s made out of his testicles and he stops talking so he can tend to her needs immediately. This chick is BAD-ASS.
They go a house at Palm Beach filled with Magic Sex Couches, and I feel like it calmly needs to be pointed out again that Palm Beach AINT NO FREAKING SOUTH AFRICA:
Ugh boring. They get pulled around on some water sport thing that is clearly just a cheap time-filler designed to show us that Lana has a ‘tough, fun side!’ OH MY GLOB. Then they have dinner at – and I’m not even fucking kidding – what looks like the driveway of the Girl Prison.
I seriously think it is actually the driveway of the Girl Prison, with some candles plonked in, to try and throw us off the scent:
Lana tells him straight-up how he feels, and doesn’t make any apologies for being ‘girly’ or ‘intense’ when talking about her feelings, which I like tbh. Although it’s probably easy to tell someone how you feel when you have their heart somewhere in the bottom of your handbag and their balls around your neck.
They go in the pool where there is some DEFINITE bumping of special places:
SARAH’S LAST CHANCE TO PROVE HER WORTHINESS:
Waaaaaaaaaah a whole date with Beige 1 and Beige 2. Look, she’s perfectly lovely, but her nerves mean this girl is clearly not going to win, because Bachie Wood needs his ladies to actively prove how much they love him by either pouring their hearts out or winning humiliating physical challenges. Look, all you need to know about this date is that they spent hardly any money on it and it looked a little something like this:
Seriously though, they go on a horse and carriage ride. They have tea. She wants to know the brand of the teacup. His face is this:
They talk a bit and Bachie Wood essentially shames Sarah for putting a ‘wall’ up, which is bullshit. If I was dating a guy who was dating two other girls I’d probably shut down and turn beige too. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME IF THE BACHELOR FREAKS YOU OUT AND TURNS YOU BEIGE AND HE IS BEING AN ARSEHOLE FOR MAKING YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT.
End of date.
Next up, Bachie Wood goes to design a definitely-not-cubic-zirconia ring for the lucky lady whom he decides is worth his Tasmanian Peen *cough Lana because she already owns his heart and balls and needs the whole trifecta cough*. And this whole scene is definitely essential to this episode not just a giant plug for Zamel’s:
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew. This cocktail party isn’t even a cocktail party – it’s an awful, icky spectacle in which the girls are forced to plead their worthiness to a man who can’t decide between them and two other women. Each of them is locked in a different part of the Girl Prison while Bachie Wood watches video messages they’ve recorded for him to peruse at his leisure. Polygamous Girl Prison Brainwashing is OFFICIALLY complete.
I mean, can you imagine a universe in which you’d be okay with doing that? Would you ever record a video message for a guy, begging him to pick you over the two other women that you know he’s been macking off with? In the words of the great Selena Meyer: I would rather set fire to my fucking vulva.
Now let’s get this over with so these ladies can begin to rebuild.
Please, take a moment to remember… Heather. (Post continues after video)
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!
Ugh Sarah is clearly going tonight so let’s just cut to the part where Oshie comes in and his hair gives me special feelings.
Oh my. He does not disappoint. Hair and serious face are both on POINT tonight:
Annnnnnnd Sarah gets booted, obvs.
Oshie tells her that she is an unlovable loser and must leave immediately. Bachie Wood forces her to have a chat on the front lawn which is exactly what she’d feel like doing right after getting dumped on national television:
As the car pulls away, Sarah of course blames herself for putting up a beige wall to protect herself. ANY NORMAL HUMAN WOULD GO INTO BEIGE SHUT-DOWN MODE IF THEIR BOYFRIEND WAS DATING TWO OTHER WOMEN.
Forget that knob-cloud. You’re allowed to have human emotions – even cautious ones. Now go back to the city and continue being a busy career woman. I don’t know exactly what you do except that it involves walking around very quickly with a laptop while wearing glasses. Godspeed, my beige friend.
Tomorrow night: THE FREAKING FINALE BIATCHES! I think I have one recap left in me before I retreat into the foetal position for an as-yet undetermined amount of time.
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