Annnnd we’re on the final stretch, my friends. We open at night, on the remaining girls in the Girl Prison sitting around in their pyjamas, although they clearly still have their make-up on from last week’s rose ceremony, which means a ‘let’s film a bunch of scenes in one go to save money’ situation must have gone on. They really are scraping the bottom of the money barrel at this point. #BudgetBachie
The girls are busy talking about how making it into the top 5 of a reality dating show is basically the greatest achievement in each of their lives, when Oshie’s Hair comes in to inform them that as of tomorrow, they’ll be spending TWO WHOLE DAYS trapped in a different Girl Prison. The girls are going on holiday, to Girl Prison: The Beach Version. Apparently Bachie Wood would like to spend time with each of them to figure out which four girls will get ‘hometown dates’ and which girl will get booted for being an unlovable loser. Everybody knows that loser is going to be Nina except Nina.
They arrive at Girl Prison: The Beach Version bright and early, only to find it’s actually just a house with a vague view of some water. (#BudgetBachie) There’s also only enough money for one Magic Sex Couch at this Girl Prison, so Bachie Wood tries to get them all on at once:
The girls gear up for a bit of group action, while Bachie Wood tells the camera in a private moment that he’ll spend the next two days judging the personal value and worth of each girl so he’ll know for sure which one deserves to be kicked out. None of that ‘I can’t decide’ bullshit this week. THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MONEY LEFT FOR THAT. GET BRUTAL. START DROPPING THEM LIKE FLIES, BACHIE. LIKE FLIES!
Lana’s Alone Time (So lucky!)
It’s a golf lesson, of which he spends the entire time with his Bachie Peen magnetically drawn to her well-travelled body.
“I’m typically attracted to women that are smarter than me,” Bachie Wood says. “And that’s definitely Lana.” As proven by this hat, obviously:
Next up is some Magic Sex Couch talk/I hope this turns into magic sex and you talk to me in a foreign language with your lady parts. Talks about how much he loves her/can’t believe she’s still single etc etc etc. He asks her if she likes him too, and it’s basically the equivalent of him handing her a note with a ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ box to tick. He sits there like an eager puppy until she says “Yeah, you’re someone I’d want to date.” Then they kiss and his balls wrap themselves in a bow before nestling gently into her lap, patiently awaiting instruction.
Parmigiana’s Alone Time (It’s like winning the lottery!)
Okay. Okay. Okay. I’m just – Okay. Can we just all admit that the any kind of budget this show may have once had is now well and truly blown? I know I’ve been joking about it or whatever, but this actually seems serious now. Like, there must be interns sifting through Oshie’s Hair for spare change as we speak – things are that dire. I mean, COME THE FUCK ON – this date is literally just Bachie Wood and Parmigiana standing under an umbrella in the rain. That’s it:
They head to another Magic Sex Couch to do some inexpensive sitting. They talk about Parmigiana’s little daughter Chicken, and when she shows Bachie Wood some pictures of her, it seems like he finally realises what “I have a daughter” means. He starts sweating and says something about things ‘dawning’ on him and he’s seriously looking at the photos with an expression that sits somewhere between constipation and disbelief.
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather’s Alone Time (Best day of her life!)
Teppanyaki for two. Insert ‘cheap date’ joke here cos I’m done (#BudgetBachie). Uh oh. UH OH – Bachie Wood keeps talking about how she makes him laugh and she’s so funny and so much fun and oh God I’ve been there so many times, girl: MAYDAY MAYDAY YOU ARE BEING FRIENDZONED AS THE ADORABLE FUNNY ONE. THIS IS NOT A PERSON WHO WOULD LIKE TO POKE YOU WITH HIS PEEN. On behalf of eternally Friendzoned women everywhere, I’d like to welcome you. BYO.
They head to another Magic Sex Couch and OH GOD THEY’VE PUT BEER ON THE TABLE INSTEAD OF CHAMPAGNE IT’S ALL OVER FOR YOU HEATHER. The producers are clearly trying to ease us into the fact that she is friend-only material. The beer is their subtle sign. Oh Heather, you pushed the ‘Laid Back Totally Cool Friend’ thing too far and now and YOU CAN’T COME BACK FROM IT.
She talks about seeing herself with him forever. He stares at her blankly and can’t understand what he ever saw in her Totally Laid Back Cool Girl ways. Eyes glaze over as he fantasises about Lana’s Bi-Lingual lady parts:
Sarah’s Alone Time (Luckiest girl in the world!)
Okay so now they’ve just done away with the pretext of a date completely. There was no money for poor, bland Sarah because #BudgetBachie. She is just taken straight to a Magic Sex Couch to continue being bland. They talk and kiss and oh holy fucking Oprah if these two end up together, their relationship would actually be the personification of the colour beige.
Nina’s Alone Time (Proudest life achievement!)
Well, Nina at least doesn’t get taken straight to a Magic Sex Couch, but all she gets to do before that is stand on a patch of grass with a fishing rod in the water, while Bachie Wood tellingly stands as far away from her as possible:
The ‘date’ out of the way (#BudgetBachie), he takes her to yet another fucking Magic Sex Couch, where they eat fish and chips from the local takeaway shop. (Seriously Channel Ten are you pranking me or what? ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME OR ARE YOU ACTUALLY COMPLETELY OUT OF CASH?)
Bachie Wood tells Nina that she’s strong and opinionated and that worries him because he’s never had a girlfriend like that before. Um… FUCKING EWWWWWWWW. Turns out our Bachie only likes his ladies soft and quiet and submissive and Lana-like. At this point, I would really like for Nina to flip him the bird and say, “OPINIONATE THIS SHIT HEAD.” Alas, instead she spends the next five minutes apologising for who she his and trying to convince him that she can actually be the submissive lady he really prefers.
Excuse me while I curl up in the corner of the room and weep for the future of us all.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Bachie Wood is no longer politely pretending that this isn’t a competition for his Tassie Peen. He walks into the party, sits down in the middle of the room and informs the girls that he will be putting in zero effort this evening. If they would like more time with him, they need to come to him. He might as well have ripped his pants off and said, “Come at me ladies *wink*.”
Rosie has written a book. Watch the moment she received her first copy. And then BUY ONE. (Post continues after gallery).
Ugh, usual cocktail party shit. Some girls talk to him. Nina says a bunch of bitchy things about Intruder Lana. Sarah has the most boring crisis in the history of crises (“I don’t want to talk to him. Oh, yes I do. Oh, now he’s gone.”)
Then it’s over. The end.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Well Nina goes, fucking obviously. She cries. Does that weird tongue thing. Tries to hold in her fury at Intruder Lana jumping the queue and taking her ‘rightful’ place:
She says it’s all “just the start of a new chapter” and by that she means she’ll be writing an ‘Anti-Intruder Manifesto’ as soon as she gets home. Then she’ll be hitting the road to spread the important word about the dangers of those WHO DON’T BELONG. This, my friends, is the start of a MOVEMENT. Also, #BudgetBachie
Tomorrow night: Lots of non-brainwashed family members asking Bachie Wood what the fuck his deal is.